Written on August 8, 2009
Dearest Allan,
It has been a month and a half since I wrote here and I know today this will be my last entry. Since my last entry, I have begun dating someone. Our relationship is slowly progressing and both of us know that we're heading in that direction. I really hope this is it for me. :) Truth be told, he seems to be exhibiting the qualities I'm looking for in a partner, the qualities I prayed for in my novena since January.
Today is the birthday of Jack Dylan, Jim's son and I knew there was a possibility I would see you today and so earlier this week, I decided that whether I see you or not today, this journal will find it's way to you.
Last night, I made this decision and I told the guy I'm dating that I'm finally letting go and closing the chapter, THAT chapter of my life with you in it. To me, it's over. How funny was it that about 30 minutes later, we bump into you at Rufo's! It's like God telling me that yes, I'm finally ready to see you without feeling any pain. I just found the situation so surreal. A year ago, if someone told me that we'd bump into each other at some totally random place at 3am and I'd be with someone else, I wouldn't have believed them. It really, really was strange sitting a few feet away from you, knowing that once upon a time, I believed in forever with you. In our 6 years together, who would have thought we'd end up this way? Hahahahahaha! I'm just laughing about it now. I still can't get over it. :)
Anyway, Allan, this is my goodbye letter. I just want to say thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart for the laughters, the tears, for teaching me to fight, for making me believe that forever is possible with me, forever is now a reality with me. Thank you for letting me discover myself, for making me believe in myself. Thank you for all the experiences you've shown and shared with me. Most of all, dear Allan, thank you for the love. Thank you for teaching me to love with my whole self, without holding back, completely and wholeheartedly. Thank you for loving me just the same. Thank you for letting me experience being loved with so much passion. I know now what I deserve. Thank you.
Despite the very painful ending, I still believe it was an amazing, wonderful relationship. And Allan, you're no longer the guy who cheated on me, the guy who broke my heart. You're still the guy I first fell in love with. The good now outweighs the bad. So yes, Allan. This means that we're cool. :) I wish you all the best, Allan, and I mean it with sincerity. Have a wonderful life. See you around!:)
Love,
Cat
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Written on June 19, 2009
It's been a month since I wrote here. Since my last entry, many has happened to me emotionally. Last month, I still had hope in my heart. I still wanted to fix things. I felt we can still make it work. One day, as I was praying in the Blessed Sacrament, it suddenly hit me. Why should I care when you obviously stopped caring? And I realized that I don't want to hope anymore. I resigned.
Since then, I realized that perhaps God is teaching me a lesson in patience and trust. All of these started because I was impatient. I felt that after 4 and a half years, we weren't going anywhere and I wanted to take our relationship to the next level. And so I took matters into my own hands and got the condo.
While healing from the break up, I was faced repeatedly with situations that tested my patience. It was only recently that I discovered God was telling me to be patient, to learn to trust others, especially in situations where others are affected, especially in situations beyond my control and lastly, to not always take matters into my own hands.
In the past 6 months, I've learned a lot about myself, about who and how I am in a relationship so much so that knowing what I know now, if only I could go back in time, I would do things differently.
We know that's not possible and the best I can do is learn from my mistakes and apply my learnings in my next relationship.
I hope you too have learned a lot about yourself, who and how you are in a relationship. I hope that you have learned from us because I certainly learned a lot from you too. I thank you, Allan, for the lessons you unknowingly taught me.
It's been a month since I wrote here. Since my last entry, many has happened to me emotionally. Last month, I still had hope in my heart. I still wanted to fix things. I felt we can still make it work. One day, as I was praying in the Blessed Sacrament, it suddenly hit me. Why should I care when you obviously stopped caring? And I realized that I don't want to hope anymore. I resigned.
Since then, I realized that perhaps God is teaching me a lesson in patience and trust. All of these started because I was impatient. I felt that after 4 and a half years, we weren't going anywhere and I wanted to take our relationship to the next level. And so I took matters into my own hands and got the condo.
While healing from the break up, I was faced repeatedly with situations that tested my patience. It was only recently that I discovered God was telling me to be patient, to learn to trust others, especially in situations where others are affected, especially in situations beyond my control and lastly, to not always take matters into my own hands.
In the past 6 months, I've learned a lot about myself, about who and how I am in a relationship so much so that knowing what I know now, if only I could go back in time, I would do things differently.
We know that's not possible and the best I can do is learn from my mistakes and apply my learnings in my next relationship.
I hope you too have learned a lot about yourself, who and how you are in a relationship. I hope that you have learned from us because I certainly learned a lot from you too. I thank you, Allan, for the lessons you unknowingly taught me.
Monday, June 8, 2009
Written on May 20, 2009
Yesterday, I went through my YM archives. It has served as my diary and most of our fights and problems were chronicled there. I guess the reason why I went through them is because I want to understand the events that led to the break up. I know now that really had a lot of problems in 2008. I'm guessing that maybe it started in January, the night you pointed out how different we were simply because your friends could share music with me while you couldn't. It makes me wonder if you carried our differences and focused on it because in the end, you stated that as a reason of our breakup. To be honest, I still don't understand how differences in tastes of music, movies and food could lead to a breakup when those are not the foundation of a relationship. If anything, we should learn from our differences.
And then, sometime in early 2008, the XBOX broke and because you had no reason to be home, you started hanging out more with your officemates. I couldn't understand how you were becoming so attached to them to the point that you would reschedule our date nights because of some party. I remember how we were suppose to go to a party at Teacher's Village but because the directions were so unclear, you didn't want to go anymore. And then, the moment you dropped me home, you found a way to get there. My issues were never about the people you hung out with. In fact, I really liked them. My issue was with you and how inconsistent you were in your actions. I couldn't understand the changes in you. I couldn't understand why you were choosing them over me.
And then, you became really busy with one of your accounts. You were away for almost a month and when you returned, you were just as busy. I started to feel that we were drifting apart. I was beginning to wonder if I was still in a relationship with you and if you're just someone I spent my weekends with. I was beginning to question if you still loved me. Had it not been for the last few weekends when you'd be so sweet to me, I could have thought that you didn't. But now, looking back, I can't help but wonder if you even meant your actions or were you just compensating for the guilt that you felt for liking her.
Perhaps, the reason why I'm so mad is because I knew that something was already wrong but I never pointed it out. I never talked to you about it. Looking back, I realized that I didn't because I just chalked it up to you being busy and maybe that's why you're being like this. I also thought that we're stronger and we could get past these problems. I also had every faith and belief in you, in our relationship. I believed that we could make it work.
But we never got to, did we? We never got to try to fix what problems we had. We just avoided the problems all together. As long as I felt you loved me and I knew that you loved me and I knew that I love you, we would be okay. What a fool I was. Waht a fool.
And I couldn't help but wonder, as I read about our past, if you already knew that we would end. If you did, why didn't you say something about it? Why didn't you try to save the relationship? Why didn't you try to save the relationship? Why did you just let it be?
******
Sometime this month, I realized:
Do you know how luck you are to be loved by two women? Some people aren't lucky enough to be even loved in the same context and capacity. You are so lucky, Allan. But do you know who is luckier? The woman who you love in return. Only one really matters to you... and I highly doubt it's me...
Yesterday, I went through my YM archives. It has served as my diary and most of our fights and problems were chronicled there. I guess the reason why I went through them is because I want to understand the events that led to the break up. I know now that really had a lot of problems in 2008. I'm guessing that maybe it started in January, the night you pointed out how different we were simply because your friends could share music with me while you couldn't. It makes me wonder if you carried our differences and focused on it because in the end, you stated that as a reason of our breakup. To be honest, I still don't understand how differences in tastes of music, movies and food could lead to a breakup when those are not the foundation of a relationship. If anything, we should learn from our differences.
And then, sometime in early 2008, the XBOX broke and because you had no reason to be home, you started hanging out more with your officemates. I couldn't understand how you were becoming so attached to them to the point that you would reschedule our date nights because of some party. I remember how we were suppose to go to a party at Teacher's Village but because the directions were so unclear, you didn't want to go anymore. And then, the moment you dropped me home, you found a way to get there. My issues were never about the people you hung out with. In fact, I really liked them. My issue was with you and how inconsistent you were in your actions. I couldn't understand the changes in you. I couldn't understand why you were choosing them over me.
And then, you became really busy with one of your accounts. You were away for almost a month and when you returned, you were just as busy. I started to feel that we were drifting apart. I was beginning to wonder if I was still in a relationship with you and if you're just someone I spent my weekends with. I was beginning to question if you still loved me. Had it not been for the last few weekends when you'd be so sweet to me, I could have thought that you didn't. But now, looking back, I can't help but wonder if you even meant your actions or were you just compensating for the guilt that you felt for liking her.
Perhaps, the reason why I'm so mad is because I knew that something was already wrong but I never pointed it out. I never talked to you about it. Looking back, I realized that I didn't because I just chalked it up to you being busy and maybe that's why you're being like this. I also thought that we're stronger and we could get past these problems. I also had every faith and belief in you, in our relationship. I believed that we could make it work.
But we never got to, did we? We never got to try to fix what problems we had. We just avoided the problems all together. As long as I felt you loved me and I knew that you loved me and I knew that I love you, we would be okay. What a fool I was. Waht a fool.
And I couldn't help but wonder, as I read about our past, if you already knew that we would end. If you did, why didn't you say something about it? Why didn't you try to save the relationship? Why didn't you try to save the relationship? Why did you just let it be?
******
Sometime this month, I realized:
Do you know how luck you are to be loved by two women? Some people aren't lucky enough to be even loved in the same context and capacity. You are so lucky, Allan. But do you know who is luckier? The woman who you love in return. Only one really matters to you... and I highly doubt it's me...
Written on May 7, 2009
ASHES AND WINE
by A Fine Frenzy
Don't know what to do anymore
I've lost the only love worth fighting for
I'll drown in my tear storming sea
That would show you,
That would make you hurt like me
All the same,
I don't want mud-slinging games
It's just a shame
To let you walk away
Is there a chance,
A fragment of light
At the end of the tunnel,
A reason to fight
Is there a chance
You may change your mind
Or are we ashes in wine?
Don't know if our fate's already sealed
This day's a spinning circus on a wheel
And I'm ill with the thought of your kiss
Coffee laced, intoxicating on her lips
Shut it out
I've got no claim on you now
Not allowed
To wear your freedom down
Is there a chance,
A fragment of light
At the end of the tunnel,
A reason to fight
Is there a chance
You may change your mind
Or are we ashes in wine?
I'll tear myself away
That is what you need
There is nothing left to say, but
Is there a chance,
A fragment of light
At the end of the tunnel,
A reason to fight
Is there a chance
You may change your mind
Or are we ashes in wine?
*Another song I discovered, loved and play on my IPod repeatedly. It perfectly describes what's going on in my mind the past few days.
ASHES AND WINE
by A Fine Frenzy
Don't know what to do anymore
I've lost the only love worth fighting for
I'll drown in my tear storming sea
That would show you,
That would make you hurt like me
All the same,
I don't want mud-slinging games
It's just a shame
To let you walk away
Is there a chance,
A fragment of light
At the end of the tunnel,
A reason to fight
Is there a chance
You may change your mind
Or are we ashes in wine?
Don't know if our fate's already sealed
This day's a spinning circus on a wheel
And I'm ill with the thought of your kiss
Coffee laced, intoxicating on her lips
Shut it out
I've got no claim on you now
Not allowed
To wear your freedom down
Is there a chance,
A fragment of light
At the end of the tunnel,
A reason to fight
Is there a chance
You may change your mind
Or are we ashes in wine?
I'll tear myself away
That is what you need
There is nothing left to say, but
Is there a chance,
A fragment of light
At the end of the tunnel,
A reason to fight
Is there a chance
You may change your mind
Or are we ashes in wine?
*Another song I discovered, loved and play on my IPod repeatedly. It perfectly describes what's going on in my mind the past few days.
Written on April 24, 2009
I was talking to someone when the person just suddenly volunteered that you're now happy and content with your life and that made me incredibly sad, not because you're happy and content before me but because I felt you were so happy and relieved to get away from the relationship... from me. And I couldn't help but wonder was I that horrible to you? It was like November again. I would breakdown in the office. All these questions started swirling in my head again. How can you be happy and content knowing you hurt someone, someone you love? How can you just let go just like that? It made me feel like shit.
I was meeting Elaine last night cuz I needed to talk to her about this when another guy friend asked us if we could meet up because he had a lot on his mind and needed to talk.
He has been with his girlfriend longer than we have and everyone expects them to marry soon. But he feels that there are so many things that he still wants to do, that he still wants to see what's out there. The sad part is, he slipped and said he likes someone. I asked if he was scared that he was just settling for his girlfriend and that there may be others better for him out there and he said yes, exactly. It was so strange, Allan. I could totally see you in him and I could already see how his girlfriend would be like when they break up. He says he has to think about it but it really seems his mind is already made up. And you know what, I support him in this.
Ironic, isn't it? That I'm supporting someone who went through the same thing you did despite knowing how painful it would be for the girl.
Last night, it felt like God intervened and gave me the answers I was looking for. And in a way, I understand you more. I guess you really are happy and content because you're free from commitments, pressure and responsibility. You got what you want and I guess I understand that you have to go through THIS before committing to anyone, rather than go through THIS when you're already committed and there's no turning back for you.
In a way, I finally understand why you're still hiding her. It's because there's no commitment. Yes, you like her and maybe even love her but you're not ready to commit. And she, she is willing to wait for you. I just hope that she knows what she's getting into and we both know she deserves to be treated better. These are just assumptions and mere interpretations, of course.
But I do hope you do what needs to be done. You find what you want and I hope you come out of it a better, mroe mature person. I wish you well, Allan.
PS. I realize as well that whether you stayed or go, I'm still the one who's gonna get hurt. I am a victim of your choices.
I was talking to someone when the person just suddenly volunteered that you're now happy and content with your life and that made me incredibly sad, not because you're happy and content before me but because I felt you were so happy and relieved to get away from the relationship... from me. And I couldn't help but wonder was I that horrible to you? It was like November again. I would breakdown in the office. All these questions started swirling in my head again. How can you be happy and content knowing you hurt someone, someone you love? How can you just let go just like that? It made me feel like shit.
I was meeting Elaine last night cuz I needed to talk to her about this when another guy friend asked us if we could meet up because he had a lot on his mind and needed to talk.
He has been with his girlfriend longer than we have and everyone expects them to marry soon. But he feels that there are so many things that he still wants to do, that he still wants to see what's out there. The sad part is, he slipped and said he likes someone. I asked if he was scared that he was just settling for his girlfriend and that there may be others better for him out there and he said yes, exactly. It was so strange, Allan. I could totally see you in him and I could already see how his girlfriend would be like when they break up. He says he has to think about it but it really seems his mind is already made up. And you know what, I support him in this.
Ironic, isn't it? That I'm supporting someone who went through the same thing you did despite knowing how painful it would be for the girl.
Last night, it felt like God intervened and gave me the answers I was looking for. And in a way, I understand you more. I guess you really are happy and content because you're free from commitments, pressure and responsibility. You got what you want and I guess I understand that you have to go through THIS before committing to anyone, rather than go through THIS when you're already committed and there's no turning back for you.
In a way, I finally understand why you're still hiding her. It's because there's no commitment. Yes, you like her and maybe even love her but you're not ready to commit. And she, she is willing to wait for you. I just hope that she knows what she's getting into and we both know she deserves to be treated better. These are just assumptions and mere interpretations, of course.
But I do hope you do what needs to be done. You find what you want and I hope you come out of it a better, mroe mature person. I wish you well, Allan.
PS. I realize as well that whether you stayed or go, I'm still the one who's gonna get hurt. I am a victim of your choices.
Written on April 12, 2009
It's been 4 and a half months since we last broke up. How I wish we could have a heart to heart talk, one without our emotions being so high, one wherein we talk like old friends. Surely, 6 years deserve another talk, don't you think? After 4 and a half months of not really communicating, I'm sure we've learned a lot about ourselves and we've come to realize a lot of things also about us.
I've come to realize that because of my strong personality, I ended up leading our relationship and perhaps, this has made you feel insecure and unworthy. I'm sorry you feel that way because I never meant to make you feel that way. I once read a story about a man asking a woman what is she looking for in a man and her last point struck a chord. It said, "In order for me to be submissive, I must respect him. In order for me to submit to him, he must be able to take care of his business. God created man to be a helpmate to man. How can I help a man if he cannot help himself?"
That's all I needed from you, Allan. All I needed was for you to step up. To do your part. If I could see that you can take care of both of us, even in the simplest of things, if I could see that you're making a continuous effort, I would have gladly given you the reins of our relationship.
I remember when we broke up, you said that you couldn't catch up with me. My question is, did you even try? Did you even make the effort? Or just the very thought of making an effort seem too difficult? One of the things I learned is that when something seems difficult, it doesn't seem so bad once you're in the situation already. Furthermore, I realized that I believed from the very beginning that you could step up. I had every faith and belief. EVERY FAITH AND BELIEF.
And I would have been there with you every step of the way. We would go through every hardship together and in doing so, it would help us ease the burden and make us strong.
I realize that perhaps you have a lot of insecurities but you know what, you have to get over them. I never really cared about the things that made you insecure because I believed in YOU and your potentials and capabilities. It's just sad that it seems you never realized them. I believe that you can be more than what you think you can be.
I remember we had a conversation early on in our relationship and you asked if I would still love you if we can only survive on peanuts. I realize that this conversation probably stems from the fact that we have slightly different backgrounds. I don't remember what I answered but now I realize that I don't care where you're from as long as you know where you're going and how you're getting there. I also realize, why settle on peanuts? Why not strive for something that we're both comfortable with? Why not aim to get something more than peanuts? And I realize now that perhaps you let me go because you were scared you couldn't give me the life I deserved.
There is a difference between a life deserved and living life as you make it and I think I prefer living a life based on what I made of it. All you have to do is make an effort.
It's just sad that you made the choice not to step up and live up to your potential. I guess your insecurities got the best of you. Even sadder is the fact that love did not inspire you to at least try. Love did not inspire you to be the best that you can be.
It's been 4 and a half months since we last broke up. How I wish we could have a heart to heart talk, one without our emotions being so high, one wherein we talk like old friends. Surely, 6 years deserve another talk, don't you think? After 4 and a half months of not really communicating, I'm sure we've learned a lot about ourselves and we've come to realize a lot of things also about us.
I've come to realize that because of my strong personality, I ended up leading our relationship and perhaps, this has made you feel insecure and unworthy. I'm sorry you feel that way because I never meant to make you feel that way. I once read a story about a man asking a woman what is she looking for in a man and her last point struck a chord. It said, "In order for me to be submissive, I must respect him. In order for me to submit to him, he must be able to take care of his business. God created man to be a helpmate to man. How can I help a man if he cannot help himself?"
That's all I needed from you, Allan. All I needed was for you to step up. To do your part. If I could see that you can take care of both of us, even in the simplest of things, if I could see that you're making a continuous effort, I would have gladly given you the reins of our relationship.
I remember when we broke up, you said that you couldn't catch up with me. My question is, did you even try? Did you even make the effort? Or just the very thought of making an effort seem too difficult? One of the things I learned is that when something seems difficult, it doesn't seem so bad once you're in the situation already. Furthermore, I realized that I believed from the very beginning that you could step up. I had every faith and belief. EVERY FAITH AND BELIEF.
And I would have been there with you every step of the way. We would go through every hardship together and in doing so, it would help us ease the burden and make us strong.
I realize that perhaps you have a lot of insecurities but you know what, you have to get over them. I never really cared about the things that made you insecure because I believed in YOU and your potentials and capabilities. It's just sad that it seems you never realized them. I believe that you can be more than what you think you can be.
I remember we had a conversation early on in our relationship and you asked if I would still love you if we can only survive on peanuts. I realize that this conversation probably stems from the fact that we have slightly different backgrounds. I don't remember what I answered but now I realize that I don't care where you're from as long as you know where you're going and how you're getting there. I also realize, why settle on peanuts? Why not strive for something that we're both comfortable with? Why not aim to get something more than peanuts? And I realize now that perhaps you let me go because you were scared you couldn't give me the life I deserved.
There is a difference between a life deserved and living life as you make it and I think I prefer living a life based on what I made of it. All you have to do is make an effort.
It's just sad that you made the choice not to step up and live up to your potential. I guess your insecurities got the best of you. Even sadder is the fact that love did not inspire you to at least try. Love did not inspire you to be the best that you can be.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Written on March 29, 2009
My dearest Allan,
Seeing you at the wedding made me realize that "wala na talaga." I don't know what makes me say that but what's important is I didn't back track in my healing and instead, it pushed me forward.
God really is amazing and He works in mysterious ways and now I believe that when you're troubled, you just have to have faith and trust in Him and all will happen in His time.
On the Saturday after the wedding, I found out that you visited my blog for the first time since November 29. I guess seeing me triggered something in you and maybe you became curious or maybe you wantedto know if seeing you had an effect on me and that's why you visited my blog. I don't know your reasons but I believe that part of you still cares and that was enough for me.
On Sunday, I found out that on the day after the wedding, you began doubting your decision. You confided to your friends, and honestly, I don't know the whole story, but I believe that you said that if you chose me, you'd be unhappy for the rest of your life. It's amazing how God has strengthened me and protected my heart because it didn't hurt when I realized you were referring to being with me would make you unhappy for the rest of your life.
I also realized that the fact that you questioned or doubted your decision means that you're not exactly happy with your choice. You are not completely resolved.
I also realized that the mere fact that you presented a choice between two people, one that would make you unhappy, the mere fact that you even considered someone who would make you unhappy must only mean that you must still feel something for that someone. And the way I see it, Allan, the only way you'd even consider being with someone who would make you unhappy is if there was a catch. And that, Allan, I believe is LOVE.
You still love me, Allan. And that fact is enough for me. For the longest time, I'd repeatedly ask anyone and everyone "Why does it seem like he doesn't care? Does he not love me anymore? How can he just cut me off like that? Did 6 years together not matter to him?" And on March 22, God gave me the answer in His time. And I believe that He gave it to me when He knew I wouldn't want us back anymore, when I didn't want a relationship with you anymore. Perhaps, if He gave me the answer before I'd still be hoping.
Knowing that you still love me, or at the very least, still care, has set me free, Allan. And on March 23, exactly 4 months sincewe broke up, I finally felt happy... the kind of happiness that seems to come from the heart. And it's just a wonderful feeling. I can smile now for no reason. The spring and bounce in my step is back and most of all, the sparkle in my eyes has returned.
I can feel it, Allan. I'm healing and I owe it not only to my very amazing support group but most of all, to God. I became closer to Him because of this life changing experience. I never stopped praying the novena and I'm just in awe at how almost all my intentions have been fulfilled. I'm slowly running out of things to pray for as I progress in my recovery that I have begun to pray for you again. I pray that you learn to depend and trust in God just like I did or still do. I pray that you find true happiness.
I can feel it, Allan. I'm healing... and pretty soon, I will have completely let go of you, of us, of the love. Pretty soon, I will no longer have jumbled thoughts and I will no longer have letters to write to you.
My dearest Allan,
Seeing you at the wedding made me realize that "wala na talaga." I don't know what makes me say that but what's important is I didn't back track in my healing and instead, it pushed me forward.
God really is amazing and He works in mysterious ways and now I believe that when you're troubled, you just have to have faith and trust in Him and all will happen in His time.
On the Saturday after the wedding, I found out that you visited my blog for the first time since November 29. I guess seeing me triggered something in you and maybe you became curious or maybe you wantedto know if seeing you had an effect on me and that's why you visited my blog. I don't know your reasons but I believe that part of you still cares and that was enough for me.
On Sunday, I found out that on the day after the wedding, you began doubting your decision. You confided to your friends, and honestly, I don't know the whole story, but I believe that you said that if you chose me, you'd be unhappy for the rest of your life. It's amazing how God has strengthened me and protected my heart because it didn't hurt when I realized you were referring to being with me would make you unhappy for the rest of your life.
I also realized that the fact that you questioned or doubted your decision means that you're not exactly happy with your choice. You are not completely resolved.
I also realized that the mere fact that you presented a choice between two people, one that would make you unhappy, the mere fact that you even considered someone who would make you unhappy must only mean that you must still feel something for that someone. And the way I see it, Allan, the only way you'd even consider being with someone who would make you unhappy is if there was a catch. And that, Allan, I believe is LOVE.
You still love me, Allan. And that fact is enough for me. For the longest time, I'd repeatedly ask anyone and everyone "Why does it seem like he doesn't care? Does he not love me anymore? How can he just cut me off like that? Did 6 years together not matter to him?" And on March 22, God gave me the answer in His time. And I believe that He gave it to me when He knew I wouldn't want us back anymore, when I didn't want a relationship with you anymore. Perhaps, if He gave me the answer before I'd still be hoping.
Knowing that you still love me, or at the very least, still care, has set me free, Allan. And on March 23, exactly 4 months sincewe broke up, I finally felt happy... the kind of happiness that seems to come from the heart. And it's just a wonderful feeling. I can smile now for no reason. The spring and bounce in my step is back and most of all, the sparkle in my eyes has returned.
I can feel it, Allan. I'm healing and I owe it not only to my very amazing support group but most of all, to God. I became closer to Him because of this life changing experience. I never stopped praying the novena and I'm just in awe at how almost all my intentions have been fulfilled. I'm slowly running out of things to pray for as I progress in my recovery that I have begun to pray for you again. I pray that you learn to depend and trust in God just like I did or still do. I pray that you find true happiness.
I can feel it, Allan. I'm healing... and pretty soon, I will have completely let go of you, of us, of the love. Pretty soon, I will no longer have jumbled thoughts and I will no longer have letters to write to you.
Written on March 20, 2009
After almost 3 months of not seeing each other and 2 months of not communicating, we saw each other again at Jayson and Irene's wedding. It was really strange. It was like, out of all the people thre, you were the one I knew the most and yet, at the same time, you were a stranger to me. I have been dreading seeing you. I was actually nervous because seeing you might make me back track in my healing process. But I knew, that more than anything, I have to see you just so I know who you are to me. And so, from the day I decided to attend the wedding, I've been praying that God make me strong and give me grace and to protect me from any pain I might feel when I see you.
When I woke up yesterday, I felt different. There was a certain feeling. Like something was enveloping my heart and I felt strong, like God is with me.
And so as you can tell from the party, I was okay. I was even more comfortable than you were so it seems. You know, I wanted to talk to you but you were avoiding my gaze. I wanted to talk and see how you were. After all, I loved you for 6 years. How can I not care? I didn't want to talk about our issues because there's no point in going back to them. I'm just really sad it had come to this. Us, not talking, barely acknowledging each other. I guess it isn't time yet.
After almost 3 months of not seeing each other and 2 months of not communicating, we saw each other again at Jayson and Irene's wedding. It was really strange. It was like, out of all the people thre, you were the one I knew the most and yet, at the same time, you were a stranger to me. I have been dreading seeing you. I was actually nervous because seeing you might make me back track in my healing process. But I knew, that more than anything, I have to see you just so I know who you are to me. And so, from the day I decided to attend the wedding, I've been praying that God make me strong and give me grace and to protect me from any pain I might feel when I see you.
When I woke up yesterday, I felt different. There was a certain feeling. Like something was enveloping my heart and I felt strong, like God is with me.
And so as you can tell from the party, I was okay. I was even more comfortable than you were so it seems. You know, I wanted to talk to you but you were avoiding my gaze. I wanted to talk and see how you were. After all, I loved you for 6 years. How can I not care? I didn't want to talk about our issues because there's no point in going back to them. I'm just really sad it had come to this. Us, not talking, barely acknowledging each other. I guess it isn't time yet.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Written on March 16, 2009
I’m sitting at the bay window in my room watching the beautiful city lights below. My eyes couldn’t stop drifting to that spot outside… that spot where we hugged and kissed for the last time. That spot where I had to let you go and walk away. That was the hardest thing I had to do. Actually, no, letting go, trying to move on, getting over you was the most difficult thing I had to do.
I’m sitting at the bay window because I needed to write. I need to try something new to help me let go and get over you. Tonight, I will write all your flaws. Perhaps this will help me accept the reality of who you really are. I don’t want to do this, Allan. I never thought the day would come that I’d list all your flaws so it would benefit me. For 6 years, I let all the good outweighed the bad. I loved you so much that I became blinded. Now I can’t let it be. The bad must outweigh the good for my sake, for my sanity, for my heart.
And I guess it pains me to do this because the moment, I put pen to paper and the words, the flaws, start pouring out, it means the Allan I have loved for 6 years would be gone. And now, I have to say goodbye.
I’m sitting at the bay window in my room watching the beautiful city lights below. My eyes couldn’t stop drifting to that spot outside… that spot where we hugged and kissed for the last time. That spot where I had to let you go and walk away. That was the hardest thing I had to do. Actually, no, letting go, trying to move on, getting over you was the most difficult thing I had to do.
I’m sitting at the bay window because I needed to write. I need to try something new to help me let go and get over you. Tonight, I will write all your flaws. Perhaps this will help me accept the reality of who you really are. I don’t want to do this, Allan. I never thought the day would come that I’d list all your flaws so it would benefit me. For 6 years, I let all the good outweighed the bad. I loved you so much that I became blinded. Now I can’t let it be. The bad must outweigh the good for my sake, for my sanity, for my heart.
And I guess it pains me to do this because the moment, I put pen to paper and the words, the flaws, start pouring out, it means the Allan I have loved for 6 years would be gone. And now, I have to say goodbye.
Written on March 8, 2009
It has been 63 days since our last communication. I read somewhere that in order to let go and move on, there has to be no contact for 60 days. I thought it would be difficult but I managed it effortlessly.
Three days ago, I began crying again. I find it strange yet frustrating that I’m backtracking in my healing process. I cry no longer of the pain but out of frustration because I still feel something for you and I want this feeling gone because I have no use for it, because it’s just causing me pain. I want to stop loving you because I find it unfair that I’m the only one feeling this way while you go on with your life as if our 6 years never happened. I am frustrated because I am the only one suffering from the love lost. I wish the day will come that I feel nothing for you anymore…
It has been 63 days since our last communication. I read somewhere that in order to let go and move on, there has to be no contact for 60 days. I thought it would be difficult but I managed it effortlessly.
Three days ago, I began crying again. I find it strange yet frustrating that I’m backtracking in my healing process. I cry no longer of the pain but out of frustration because I still feel something for you and I want this feeling gone because I have no use for it, because it’s just causing me pain. I want to stop loving you because I find it unfair that I’m the only one feeling this way while you go on with your life as if our 6 years never happened. I am frustrated because I am the only one suffering from the love lost. I wish the day will come that I feel nothing for you anymore…
Written on February 22, 2009
Sometime last week, I accidentally, involuntarily learned something about you. At first, my heart slammed in my chest and when the pain subsided, I became upset with myself because I realized that I still care. Why do I care? I shouldn’t care anymore. The only thing I should care about is be indifferent to you.
Sometime last week, I accidentally, involuntarily learned something about you. At first, my heart slammed in my chest and when the pain subsided, I became upset with myself because I realized that I still care. Why do I care? I shouldn’t care anymore. The only thing I should care about is be indifferent to you.
Written on January 28, 2009
Just the other night, as I was about to sleep, a thought entered my mind. From what I know rumors are circulating about you and her. And you know Pinoys. They love a good chismis so I can imagine how often people talk and how fast and far the rumors are circulating. I do know that some people know the truth, that you cheated on me and I’m guessing you are aware of this. Why else are you hiding your relationship with her? Because if you come out, it will just confirm the rumors about you? And that your reputation and credibility will be ruined? All these hiding, all this living a double life? All these rumors, which are actually facts, going around destroying your reputation. Knowing also that a lot of people, especially my friends and family, see you differently now and no longer hold you in high regard, I wonder if you ever stop and think if it’s worth it.
Just the other night, as I was about to sleep, a thought entered my mind. From what I know rumors are circulating about you and her. And you know Pinoys. They love a good chismis so I can imagine how often people talk and how fast and far the rumors are circulating. I do know that some people know the truth, that you cheated on me and I’m guessing you are aware of this. Why else are you hiding your relationship with her? Because if you come out, it will just confirm the rumors about you? And that your reputation and credibility will be ruined? All these hiding, all this living a double life? All these rumors, which are actually facts, going around destroying your reputation. Knowing also that a lot of people, especially my friends and family, see you differently now and no longer hold you in high regard, I wonder if you ever stop and think if it’s worth it.
Written on January 26, 2009
I am seated here again at the Blessed Sacrament, crying my heart out again. This time, I cry over something different. As I was leaving home, I realized I still love you. I don’t know what makes me say that. I just feel it. I am crying because once upon a time, we were each other’s love of our lives and now, it is unrequited. I am crying because the pain of you being gone is still there. And lastly, I am crying because I want this feeling to end. I want to stop loving you.
I am seated here again at the Blessed Sacrament, crying my heart out again. This time, I cry over something different. As I was leaving home, I realized I still love you. I don’t know what makes me say that. I just feel it. I am crying because once upon a time, we were each other’s love of our lives and now, it is unrequited. I am crying because the pain of you being gone is still there. And lastly, I am crying because I want this feeling to end. I want to stop loving you.
Written on January 22, 2009
It’s been a week since I wrote here. The novena really helped me heal. I haven’t cried since last Thursday. I guess the week I finally found my evidences was my lowest point and there was nowhere else for me to go but up. Yesterday, I was teary eyed. I remembered those moments I was crying so hard over you. I was crying when I remembered the moment my heart was breaking the night of November 23. The moment I left your arms and walked through my gate. I cried knowing how difficult that was for me. How I knew things have forever changed- my life, my dreams, my future. Just writing about it is making me teary eyed.
It still pains me remembering how devastated I was when you never called on Christmas eve because it was a sign that things have changed. For 5 years, you would call me at midnight and cheerfully greet me a Merry Christmas. I guess the fact that you didn’t shows how fast you moved on.
I am eternally grateful that God helped me heal faster than I expected. He does, indeed, show mercy to those who are broken hearted. I remember that on the week or the days after I found evidences of your betrayal, when I started the novena to the Sacred Heart, I would cry while praying. I would beg Him to take the pain away. I would beg Him to help me let go.
The novena ended on January 15 but I’ve been continuing it because it really helped me immensely. Allan, later tonight, when 1am strikes, it would be exactly 2 months since we broke up. How fast time flies. It only feels like yesterday that you broke my heart. And in those two months, I still think of you daily- all the time. I wonder if you do too?
It’s been a week since I wrote here. The novena really helped me heal. I haven’t cried since last Thursday. I guess the week I finally found my evidences was my lowest point and there was nowhere else for me to go but up. Yesterday, I was teary eyed. I remembered those moments I was crying so hard over you. I was crying when I remembered the moment my heart was breaking the night of November 23. The moment I left your arms and walked through my gate. I cried knowing how difficult that was for me. How I knew things have forever changed- my life, my dreams, my future. Just writing about it is making me teary eyed.
It still pains me remembering how devastated I was when you never called on Christmas eve because it was a sign that things have changed. For 5 years, you would call me at midnight and cheerfully greet me a Merry Christmas. I guess the fact that you didn’t shows how fast you moved on.
I am eternally grateful that God helped me heal faster than I expected. He does, indeed, show mercy to those who are broken hearted. I remember that on the week or the days after I found evidences of your betrayal, when I started the novena to the Sacred Heart, I would cry while praying. I would beg Him to take the pain away. I would beg Him to help me let go.
The novena ended on January 15 but I’ve been continuing it because it really helped me immensely. Allan, later tonight, when 1am strikes, it would be exactly 2 months since we broke up. How fast time flies. It only feels like yesterday that you broke my heart. And in those two months, I still think of you daily- all the time. I wonder if you do too?
Written on January 15, 2009
It’s been quite a while since I wrote here and it has been so not because I’m busy, but because, I guess, I’m running out of things to say. The novena seems to be working. Everyday, I feel that I’m slowly letting go, I’m beginning to feel a bit indifferent. I still cry, out of sadness, out of frustration, trying to understand how you can be so uncaring, so indifferent to me, how you can just easily throw away 6 years.
On January 10, Rizzie got married to her first and only boyfriend. How I envied her. As I watched her get ready, I couldn’t help but feel jealous and think “I was going to be next.” As she walked down the aisle, she looked so beautiful and she was crying. Bom, her husband, was also getting teary-eyed. Moments like that make me cry. And of course, I couldn’t help but think of the many moments I imagined walking down the aisle, looking splendid, beautiful, ethereal, crying as well, as I walked to wards my first and last love, my supposedly one true love, my supposed destiny—you. While I was really happy for the newly wed couple, I couldn’t help but feel sad for us. That dream has long gone.
On January 11, I watched a movie at Eastwood. It was my first time to watch a movie there after we broke up. It was freezing in the theater and I remembered all those times we cuddled when it was cold and you’d rub my arms to keep me warm. I loved those moments. And it hit me, Allan, that the next time someone would hug me just because it was cold, that person would no longer be you. (Of course, Elaine insists that I just need a jacket for that.) And the thought of having someone new is starting to grow on me. It’s starting to excite me. The idea of falling in love again and being overwhelmed and consumed with love and passion just like we were keeps me from being jaded. I know I will love again and I hope that I will be loved, no, I know that I will be loved the way I deserved to be… and maybe, just maybe, more than I expect. Sometimes, I cannot help but feel excited to find out how our story will end. How the “Allan” book will close and a new book in my life will begin.
******
I just want you to know that I’ve considered selling or downgrading from a 2 bedroom to a 1 bedroom because:
1) I can no longer live in the condo knowing it was suppose to be our home, the home our children will grow up in.
2) Many of my hopes and dreams came with it and you took them with you the night you drove away from my house.
3) Now that I’m single, I realize there are many things I wanna do and these things entail money. I realize that now I have to take care of myself but I cannot do both- keep paying the amortization and taking care of myself.
I asked Uncle Francis for advise and showed him all the computations. In the end, knowing that the condo already earned a significant amount prevailed. My family decided that when the condo is built, we’ll just have it rented out and that will pay the amortization.
It’s been quite a while since I wrote here and it has been so not because I’m busy, but because, I guess, I’m running out of things to say. The novena seems to be working. Everyday, I feel that I’m slowly letting go, I’m beginning to feel a bit indifferent. I still cry, out of sadness, out of frustration, trying to understand how you can be so uncaring, so indifferent to me, how you can just easily throw away 6 years.
On January 10, Rizzie got married to her first and only boyfriend. How I envied her. As I watched her get ready, I couldn’t help but feel jealous and think “I was going to be next.” As she walked down the aisle, she looked so beautiful and she was crying. Bom, her husband, was also getting teary-eyed. Moments like that make me cry. And of course, I couldn’t help but think of the many moments I imagined walking down the aisle, looking splendid, beautiful, ethereal, crying as well, as I walked to wards my first and last love, my supposedly one true love, my supposed destiny—you. While I was really happy for the newly wed couple, I couldn’t help but feel sad for us. That dream has long gone.
On January 11, I watched a movie at Eastwood. It was my first time to watch a movie there after we broke up. It was freezing in the theater and I remembered all those times we cuddled when it was cold and you’d rub my arms to keep me warm. I loved those moments. And it hit me, Allan, that the next time someone would hug me just because it was cold, that person would no longer be you. (Of course, Elaine insists that I just need a jacket for that.) And the thought of having someone new is starting to grow on me. It’s starting to excite me. The idea of falling in love again and being overwhelmed and consumed with love and passion just like we were keeps me from being jaded. I know I will love again and I hope that I will be loved, no, I know that I will be loved the way I deserved to be… and maybe, just maybe, more than I expect. Sometimes, I cannot help but feel excited to find out how our story will end. How the “Allan” book will close and a new book in my life will begin.
I just want you to know that I’ve considered selling or downgrading from a 2 bedroom to a 1 bedroom because:
1) I can no longer live in the condo knowing it was suppose to be our home, the home our children will grow up in.
2) Many of my hopes and dreams came with it and you took them with you the night you drove away from my house.
3) Now that I’m single, I realize there are many things I wanna do and these things entail money. I realize that now I have to take care of myself but I cannot do both- keep paying the amortization and taking care of myself.
I asked Uncle Francis for advise and showed him all the computations. In the end, knowing that the condo already earned a significant amount prevailed. My family decided that when the condo is built, we’ll just have it rented out and that will pay the amortization.
Written on January 9, 2009
Today, I realized that I may have lost my biggest source of love—you – but it was replace by many others in the form of family, friends and acquaintances. I’m grateful that I was there for them in their times of need because now, they are all here for me.
Today, Mom Marivic told me how angry she is with you because of the pain and devastation you caused me. I have lost a lot of weight, I’ve become sick, I am no longer myself. The spark in my eyes and smile have long gone. Mom is angry because you just walked out without having to say a word, without even trying. You lost a lot when you left, when you cheated on me. First of all, you lost a love worth having. You lost me, the woman who would most probably love you the most. You lost a family who was very willing to accept you openly—and that is very rare. You lost the belief and faith in you of your family, friends and co-workers. Most importantly, you lost your good reputation and name. Believe it or not, Allan, many have seen the evidence and couldn’t believe you’re lying to their faces.
I know you’re just telling everyone that we broke up because of personality differences. While that is partly true, it’s also easier for you to accept than admitting there is someone in the sidelines who gave you the strength to walk away from a 6 year relationship without even saying there was a problem, without even trying to fix it. I believe you’re also in denial. You do not want to accept that you hurt me, the woman who loved and cared for you, who was preparing for a lifetime with you, by cheating on her. No matter how much you hide, Allan, the truth will always come out… especially if what you’re doing is wrong.
Today, I realized that I may have lost my biggest source of love—you – but it was replace by many others in the form of family, friends and acquaintances. I’m grateful that I was there for them in their times of need because now, they are all here for me.
Today, Mom Marivic told me how angry she is with you because of the pain and devastation you caused me. I have lost a lot of weight, I’ve become sick, I am no longer myself. The spark in my eyes and smile have long gone. Mom is angry because you just walked out without having to say a word, without even trying. You lost a lot when you left, when you cheated on me. First of all, you lost a love worth having. You lost me, the woman who would most probably love you the most. You lost a family who was very willing to accept you openly—and that is very rare. You lost the belief and faith in you of your family, friends and co-workers. Most importantly, you lost your good reputation and name. Believe it or not, Allan, many have seen the evidence and couldn’t believe you’re lying to their faces.
I know you’re just telling everyone that we broke up because of personality differences. While that is partly true, it’s also easier for you to accept than admitting there is someone in the sidelines who gave you the strength to walk away from a 6 year relationship without even saying there was a problem, without even trying to fix it. I believe you’re also in denial. You do not want to accept that you hurt me, the woman who loved and cared for you, who was preparing for a lifetime with you, by cheating on her. No matter how much you hide, Allan, the truth will always come out… especially if what you’re doing is wrong.
Written on January 8, 2009
Since Monday, I have started each day with tears. I am more distraught than before. The pain of your betrayal so intense that I cry while in the shower, while getting dressed, while brushing my teeth, while driving, while at work. The pain so consuming that I have turned to God for help. When I wake up in the middle of the night, in the morning, when I burst into tears, I beg Him to please take away the pain, to help me let go and move on. The pain so strong that I have started to do a novena. I pray that He helps me let go and give me the strength to move on, that He removes all pain, anger and hatred in my heart, that He fights for me and that He takes care of you and her, as in bahala na Siya sa inyo. And lastly, that He calls you, that He teaches you to seek solace in Him and you learn to trust Him.
Admittedly, so many plans of revenge are running through my head. Just like my dad, I have a vindictive nature but I pray every time I have these thoughts for Him to take them away from me. I have to remind myself that God will fight for me and give you and her what is due to you.
Allan, I know that the break up is a blessing in disguise. From the very beginning, I knew that and I know the reasons for this. But, I guess, I just wanted a chance to try to work it out and save it so we can say that we tried our best. 6 years is 6 years. Isn’t it worth, at least, try saving? It’s like the first chance you got to walk away, you took it immediately.
Sometimes I wonder why am I more devastated and focused on your betrayal. I guess it’s also because you gave me 6 wonderful years, possibly the best 6 years of my life and I guess I can live the rest of my life looking at you as the man who loved me but just wasn’t ready. I can still look at you and smile when I think of you. But now that I know you betrayed me, that image, that memory of the man who loved me is gone. And it pains me so much. You were my life, you inspired me to work for our dreams and then you threw that away.
Yesterday, I was talking to a friend and she said that she still can’t believe that this happened to me. Though she rarely sees us together, there was just something about both of us that made us seem like the perfect couple. It was our aura. Our body language. Our chemistry. Even if we’re both just quiet and sitting beside each other, there was something there. And many others, even people who hardly know us saw that and that’s why even people who I hardly know were so affected by our break up. You have no idea how many people looked up to us and believed in love because of us. You may easily say that all that is just on the surface. But Allan, you know, you knew from the very beginning that we had something special, a different kind of love. It was a love that others wished they could experience in this lifetime. And maybe that’s why it’s beyond devastating and heartbreaking now that it has ended.
Through this pain, I cannot stop questioning why am I hurting so much and many have said, “Cat, it’s because you love him.” But I ask them, “What about him? Didn’t he love me? Why isn’t he in pain? Why isn’t he suffering?” Some say it’s because I have been replaced already. Is that it? 6 years of love and hardships are just gone because of one person? Ganun- ganun na lang bay un? I gave my whole self to you, to our relationship and our future and you did not even mourn the loss? A friend also said that if you were in pain, if you were suffering, we would be together right now. I asked another friend if he regretted leaving his exes and he said, “Knowing what I know, yes, I regret them because I knew they were great relationships and I just threw them away.” And now, I fear you will never regret leaving me because it was the right decision for both of us. If anything, I just want you to regret two- timing me.
Last night, I finally deleted all of you from my laptop. No traces of you left. It was so difficult. So very difficult. You can’t imagine the pain of having to let you go just in that sense.
I don’t think you have any idea how heavy this burden I’m carrying. I guess you have to feel what it’s liked to be betrayed by the most important person in your life to feel the pain and heartaches. But Allan, it’s so painful that I would never ever wish it upon you. Never. And I hope you would never have to through life feeling this kind of pain.
Since Monday, I have started each day with tears. I am more distraught than before. The pain of your betrayal so intense that I cry while in the shower, while getting dressed, while brushing my teeth, while driving, while at work. The pain so consuming that I have turned to God for help. When I wake up in the middle of the night, in the morning, when I burst into tears, I beg Him to please take away the pain, to help me let go and move on. The pain so strong that I have started to do a novena. I pray that He helps me let go and give me the strength to move on, that He removes all pain, anger and hatred in my heart, that He fights for me and that He takes care of you and her, as in bahala na Siya sa inyo. And lastly, that He calls you, that He teaches you to seek solace in Him and you learn to trust Him.
Admittedly, so many plans of revenge are running through my head. Just like my dad, I have a vindictive nature but I pray every time I have these thoughts for Him to take them away from me. I have to remind myself that God will fight for me and give you and her what is due to you.
Allan, I know that the break up is a blessing in disguise. From the very beginning, I knew that and I know the reasons for this. But, I guess, I just wanted a chance to try to work it out and save it so we can say that we tried our best. 6 years is 6 years. Isn’t it worth, at least, try saving? It’s like the first chance you got to walk away, you took it immediately.
Sometimes I wonder why am I more devastated and focused on your betrayal. I guess it’s also because you gave me 6 wonderful years, possibly the best 6 years of my life and I guess I can live the rest of my life looking at you as the man who loved me but just wasn’t ready. I can still look at you and smile when I think of you. But now that I know you betrayed me, that image, that memory of the man who loved me is gone. And it pains me so much. You were my life, you inspired me to work for our dreams and then you threw that away.
Yesterday, I was talking to a friend and she said that she still can’t believe that this happened to me. Though she rarely sees us together, there was just something about both of us that made us seem like the perfect couple. It was our aura. Our body language. Our chemistry. Even if we’re both just quiet and sitting beside each other, there was something there. And many others, even people who hardly know us saw that and that’s why even people who I hardly know were so affected by our break up. You have no idea how many people looked up to us and believed in love because of us. You may easily say that all that is just on the surface. But Allan, you know, you knew from the very beginning that we had something special, a different kind of love. It was a love that others wished they could experience in this lifetime. And maybe that’s why it’s beyond devastating and heartbreaking now that it has ended.
Through this pain, I cannot stop questioning why am I hurting so much and many have said, “Cat, it’s because you love him.” But I ask them, “What about him? Didn’t he love me? Why isn’t he in pain? Why isn’t he suffering?” Some say it’s because I have been replaced already. Is that it? 6 years of love and hardships are just gone because of one person? Ganun- ganun na lang bay un? I gave my whole self to you, to our relationship and our future and you did not even mourn the loss? A friend also said that if you were in pain, if you were suffering, we would be together right now. I asked another friend if he regretted leaving his exes and he said, “Knowing what I know, yes, I regret them because I knew they were great relationships and I just threw them away.” And now, I fear you will never regret leaving me because it was the right decision for both of us. If anything, I just want you to regret two- timing me.
Last night, I finally deleted all of you from my laptop. No traces of you left. It was so difficult. So very difficult. You can’t imagine the pain of having to let you go just in that sense.
I don’t think you have any idea how heavy this burden I’m carrying. I guess you have to feel what it’s liked to be betrayed by the most important person in your life to feel the pain and heartaches. But Allan, it’s so painful that I would never ever wish it upon you. Never. And I hope you would never have to through life feeling this kind of pain.
Written on January 7, 2009
Three nights ago, I confronted you about the blog and you gave me all these excuses: She didn’t write them, someone is framing her, etc. I hope you don’t think I believed you. One of the things you love about me- so you said- is that I’m smart.
But I told you, Allan, I asked God for help. I asked Him for the truth and for the strength and grace to accept it. True enough, the very next day, I found my proof.
It was a message from her to you and Allan, you can no longer deny it. It says she loves you so much and that you’re her world, her everything and that some things may be crazy but she guesses it’s the nature of your relationship. She’s sorry she doubted you. And she’s asking you to hold her hand and never let go. Wow, Allan, we are so alike. Once upon a time, I made a slideshow of our pictures and the song I placed was “Running” by No Doubt which goes,
Run. Running all the time.
Running to the future.
With you right by my side.
Me, I’m the one you chose.
Out of all the people, you wanted me the most.
And I’m so sorry that I’ve fallen,
Help me up, let’s keep on running.
Don’t make me want to give up.
Running, running, as fast as we can.
Do you think we’ll make it?
We’re running.
Keep holding my hand.
So we don’t get separated.
That song described how I felt about us and the future. It was my message to you on your birthday on July 11, 2003.
I feel no need to confront you anymore because it’s pointless. You will deny it even if it clearly shows the message was sent to you. I just want you to know that it hurts… Hurt is even an understatement… And I wonder what did I do to deserve this? I have my flaws and imperfections but I loved you wholeheartedly. I was grooming myself to become your wife. I was preparing myself to spend a lifetime with you. I had nothing but your best interests at heart.
You always say that we broke up because of personality differences. Do you know how shallow that is? You didn’t even give us a chance to work it out. You didn’t communicate. All you did was run away. You also said you didn’t break up because of her. Allan, because of her, you realized how different we are. You finally had a basis of comparison and realized it was easier to be with her because you like the same things, the same music. And most importantly, there is no pressure or responsibilities with her. I also know that she assured you it was okay to be immature and live in the now for now. Allan, you’re 28. She’s 24. What does she know about responsibility? When will you start growing up? You’ve been immature and living in the now since you were born. And lastly, of course she will say that to you. She wants you for herself. She would say anything to get you, instead of helping you out.
A lot of people ask me, “What if he comes back? Will you accept him?” The answer is still “I don’t know.” What I do know is that if you come back, assuming you come back, is we have to work doubly hard for our relationship to work. And one of the things I have to do is learn to accept that you cheated and forget about it. But I don’t know, Allan. I don’t think you’ll come back because it will take too much effort for you. Fine, you grew a pair of balls but how big enough for you to fight for us?
I just hope she’s worth it, Allan, and I hope she can take care of you as much as I did. But, Allan, as much as she’s worth it, we both know that she can never be as worthy as me. One day, Allan, you will realize, I really am your biggest loss. I’m sure you already know it in your heart. And when you do finally realize that, I hope it’s not too late.
Last night, I began purging you out of my life. I erased your text messages. I started placing all your photos in a folder so I can burn them into a CD and erase them from my laptop. It was really painful seeing our photos because we looked so happy and in love. The promise of eternity were in our eyes. It hurt me to see that you no longer smile the same way in our last few photos. I packed away the beautiful red box contained photos, your cards. What was the hardest for me to place in the box was your blue shirt. The one I would sleep in for the past 5 years. The one I slept in the night we broke up. So very painful. I had a heavy heart the entire time but it was the start of me letting you go. Painful, devastating, heartbreaking… but I’m slowly letting you go and saying goodbye.
All signs and traces of you will soon be gone and it’s as if you never existed. All is left is just a memory.
PS. Tonight I’m gonna place the memory bracelet in the box. I could never wear it again without remembering you. The pictures may have changed but the memory is there. I wore the memory bracelets for years. Everyday. To show the world I belonged to you.
Three nights ago, I confronted you about the blog and you gave me all these excuses: She didn’t write them, someone is framing her, etc. I hope you don’t think I believed you. One of the things you love about me- so you said- is that I’m smart.
But I told you, Allan, I asked God for help. I asked Him for the truth and for the strength and grace to accept it. True enough, the very next day, I found my proof.
It was a message from her to you and Allan, you can no longer deny it. It says she loves you so much and that you’re her world, her everything and that some things may be crazy but she guesses it’s the nature of your relationship. She’s sorry she doubted you. And she’s asking you to hold her hand and never let go. Wow, Allan, we are so alike. Once upon a time, I made a slideshow of our pictures and the song I placed was “Running” by No Doubt which goes,
Run. Running all the time.
Running to the future.
With you right by my side.
Me, I’m the one you chose.
Out of all the people, you wanted me the most.
And I’m so sorry that I’ve fallen,
Help me up, let’s keep on running.
Don’t make me want to give up.
Running, running, as fast as we can.
Do you think we’ll make it?
We’re running.
Keep holding my hand.
So we don’t get separated.
That song described how I felt about us and the future. It was my message to you on your birthday on July 11, 2003.
I feel no need to confront you anymore because it’s pointless. You will deny it even if it clearly shows the message was sent to you. I just want you to know that it hurts… Hurt is even an understatement… And I wonder what did I do to deserve this? I have my flaws and imperfections but I loved you wholeheartedly. I was grooming myself to become your wife. I was preparing myself to spend a lifetime with you. I had nothing but your best interests at heart.
You always say that we broke up because of personality differences. Do you know how shallow that is? You didn’t even give us a chance to work it out. You didn’t communicate. All you did was run away. You also said you didn’t break up because of her. Allan, because of her, you realized how different we are. You finally had a basis of comparison and realized it was easier to be with her because you like the same things, the same music. And most importantly, there is no pressure or responsibilities with her. I also know that she assured you it was okay to be immature and live in the now for now. Allan, you’re 28. She’s 24. What does she know about responsibility? When will you start growing up? You’ve been immature and living in the now since you were born. And lastly, of course she will say that to you. She wants you for herself. She would say anything to get you, instead of helping you out.
A lot of people ask me, “What if he comes back? Will you accept him?” The answer is still “I don’t know.” What I do know is that if you come back, assuming you come back, is we have to work doubly hard for our relationship to work. And one of the things I have to do is learn to accept that you cheated and forget about it. But I don’t know, Allan. I don’t think you’ll come back because it will take too much effort for you. Fine, you grew a pair of balls but how big enough for you to fight for us?
I just hope she’s worth it, Allan, and I hope she can take care of you as much as I did. But, Allan, as much as she’s worth it, we both know that she can never be as worthy as me. One day, Allan, you will realize, I really am your biggest loss. I’m sure you already know it in your heart. And when you do finally realize that, I hope it’s not too late.
Last night, I began purging you out of my life. I erased your text messages. I started placing all your photos in a folder so I can burn them into a CD and erase them from my laptop. It was really painful seeing our photos because we looked so happy and in love. The promise of eternity were in our eyes. It hurt me to see that you no longer smile the same way in our last few photos. I packed away the beautiful red box contained photos, your cards. What was the hardest for me to place in the box was your blue shirt. The one I would sleep in for the past 5 years. The one I slept in the night we broke up. So very painful. I had a heavy heart the entire time but it was the start of me letting you go. Painful, devastating, heartbreaking… but I’m slowly letting you go and saying goodbye.
All signs and traces of you will soon be gone and it’s as if you never existed. All is left is just a memory.
PS. Tonight I’m gonna place the memory bracelet in the box. I could never wear it again without remembering you. The pictures may have changed but the memory is there. I wore the memory bracelets for years. Everyday. To show the world I belonged to you.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Written on January 4, 2009
I was out again last night and learned something new. I got to talk to Cherry and she told me that when Dino told her that I thought there might be another girl, she immediately suspected her simply by the way you both acted around each other on the eve of your birthday. You guys sat too close talked too close that it was different from the way you talked to Rio. Body language says a lot, Allan. Action speaks louder than words. And the moment I arrived, she left. And I noticed, it would always be like that. She would always be gone by the time I arrive. Why? Cuz she couldn't stand to be in the same room as me? Because she was jealous? And more importantly, is that why you didn't want me to come over to Ponti? It was your birthday! I was your girlfriend! Your officemates were celebrating your birthday! Of course, I had to be there. But instead, you kept insisting that I don't go. Why? Because you were suppose to spend it with her?
I just really hate her right now. She knew all about me and yet she still overstepped her boundaries. That says a lot about her character.
The other night, I was trying to further figure out why I got devastated when I found out about her and Elaine said when we broke up because you couldn't commit, because you weren't ready, it was easier to accept because I believed there was still hope to fix it. I could wait for you until you were ready. But the moment I found out you liked her, it removed all hope. And on top of that, you won't admit it. Don't you realize that by not admitting anything, you're still hurting me? I told you, things come out even when I'm not looking. So why can't you just admit it? Are you scared of hurting me? But you're still hurting me whether you admit it or not. All I want is the truth.
Eto na lang, Allan. Why were you gonna end "it" with her if there's nothing going on? It doesn't make sense to end something that wasn't there in the first place. Why can't you just tell me what happened? For how long and why? I deserve to know those things. It's one of the least you can do after hurting me repeatedly behind my back. Do you know how much this is haunting me? I've dreamt about it for two days already.
Just the other day, you were calling me psycho and that I'm getting crazier. Don't you realize that you made me this way? If only you admitted that you liked her, enjoyed being with her and felt a connection with her, I wouldn't have to clamor for answers. I wouldn't be as hurt when I find out new information. The only reason I'm getting hurt is because you vehemently denied it to me despite the things I discover, because for every tidbit of information I discover, you're making me look stupid.
Last night, on my way home from another night out, as I was coming back to reality after "escaping", I felt the need to cry. I put on Better In Time on rotation but the tears wouldn't come. Instead, I felt anger.
I told myself that I want to be okay already. I want to be immune to the pain every time I hear another tidbit about you and her. And then, it hit me. Why do I continue to love someone who promised me forever, made me believe in our future and dreams, then couldn't commit and repeatedly hurt me by betraying my love and trust while we were together? You, Allan, are not deserving of that love now. And I wish, I really wish that this love will die soon, fast enough, so I can move on with my life. So I can share that love to someone who is worthy of it, who will not do those things you did to me, who will do more things for me than you ever will.
I was out again last night and learned something new. I got to talk to Cherry and she told me that when Dino told her that I thought there might be another girl, she immediately suspected her simply by the way you both acted around each other on the eve of your birthday. You guys sat too close talked too close that it was different from the way you talked to Rio. Body language says a lot, Allan. Action speaks louder than words. And the moment I arrived, she left. And I noticed, it would always be like that. She would always be gone by the time I arrive. Why? Cuz she couldn't stand to be in the same room as me? Because she was jealous? And more importantly, is that why you didn't want me to come over to Ponti? It was your birthday! I was your girlfriend! Your officemates were celebrating your birthday! Of course, I had to be there. But instead, you kept insisting that I don't go. Why? Because you were suppose to spend it with her?
I just really hate her right now. She knew all about me and yet she still overstepped her boundaries. That says a lot about her character.
The other night, I was trying to further figure out why I got devastated when I found out about her and Elaine said when we broke up because you couldn't commit, because you weren't ready, it was easier to accept because I believed there was still hope to fix it. I could wait for you until you were ready. But the moment I found out you liked her, it removed all hope. And on top of that, you won't admit it. Don't you realize that by not admitting anything, you're still hurting me? I told you, things come out even when I'm not looking. So why can't you just admit it? Are you scared of hurting me? But you're still hurting me whether you admit it or not. All I want is the truth.
Eto na lang, Allan. Why were you gonna end "it" with her if there's nothing going on? It doesn't make sense to end something that wasn't there in the first place. Why can't you just tell me what happened? For how long and why? I deserve to know those things. It's one of the least you can do after hurting me repeatedly behind my back. Do you know how much this is haunting me? I've dreamt about it for two days already.
Just the other day, you were calling me psycho and that I'm getting crazier. Don't you realize that you made me this way? If only you admitted that you liked her, enjoyed being with her and felt a connection with her, I wouldn't have to clamor for answers. I wouldn't be as hurt when I find out new information. The only reason I'm getting hurt is because you vehemently denied it to me despite the things I discover, because for every tidbit of information I discover, you're making me look stupid.
Last night, on my way home from another night out, as I was coming back to reality after "escaping", I felt the need to cry. I put on Better In Time on rotation but the tears wouldn't come. Instead, I felt anger.
I told myself that I want to be okay already. I want to be immune to the pain every time I hear another tidbit about you and her. And then, it hit me. Why do I continue to love someone who promised me forever, made me believe in our future and dreams, then couldn't commit and repeatedly hurt me by betraying my love and trust while we were together? You, Allan, are not deserving of that love now. And I wish, I really wish that this love will die soon, fast enough, so I can move on with my life. So I can share that love to someone who is worthy of it, who will not do those things you did to me, who will do more things for me than you ever will.
Written on January 2, 2009
December 31 and January 1 came by without any greeting from you. I'm not surprised. I knew already not to expect anything from you. It just made me sad that after 6 years, only a month has passed and you couldn't greet me a happy new year out of courtesy. I know I should text you too but what are the rules when you break up? People told me not to text you anymore and I didn't out of pride, because I also wanted to see if you cared or remembered me, because you were the one who broke it off.
A lot in me has changed since that Christmas Night I cried because you didn't text. I guess it really helped that I went out almost every night. It made me forget you and not think about us.
Last night, Bri asked me if I was moving on and I said I didn't know. He asked if I was still hoping we'd get back together and I said I didn't know. I guess I'm slowly accepting that we would never be. I'm not in a hurry to mvoe on. All I know is I'm not ready to date yet because I'll just end up comparing the guy to you and that wouldn't be fair to him.
Bri told me that I should understand that the reason we broke up is because of our differences and I know that. I accept that. I can easily live with that. What I couldn't accept is that you liked someone else while we were together. You enjoyed being with some other girl. I know she is not the cause of our break up. But you don't know how much that devastated me. It was that fact that BROKE me more than you not committing to me and now I know why.
Last night, I stumbled upon text messages you sent me back in 2002. These were messages that showed you were falling in love me and I you. We were so happy and overwhelmed with the feeling of loving and being loved. We drove each other crazy happy just with sweet words. We felt so much passion for one another. A lot of messages described how our kisses, hugs, stares and caresses felt to one another. How we found the perfect person for us. How, as you put it, "I like you for the same reasons and because of your strength and faith in me- it makes me so strong also. We were looking for the same qualities and characteristics and we found it in each other! :) " (How ironic that we broke up because we were too different.) We couldn't stop telling each other how we're meant for each other, we couldn't stop talking about our life and dreams together. And maybe that's why finding out you like someone else hurt because you led me to believe that there cannot be anyone else. It's an impossibility and I guess I trusted you. I had faith in you. I believed in your word.
Perhaps one of the most painful messages I read was sent on March 18, 2003:
"Baby, I'm home na! :) You know, to be honest, sometimes when I was younger, I found it hard to imagine living a lifetime with someone- building plans and growing together but I guess someone just had to come along to change all that and now I can't imagine being without that person for the rest of my life to share, build and grow with... thanks baby! :) Thanks baby for being that person who I can't imagine living my life without! :) Thanks for everything we shared and are gonna share. :) Thanks for being that someone destiny drops in your path and knocks you in the head... and you realize that that someone is your perfect future. :) THanks for being my today and my tomorrow. I swear to do my utmost best to give you, us a bright future! :) I love you clearly. Eternally."- 2:42:58am.
I guess it hurt because I carried these words for the past 6 years. I believed them in my heart. You made me believe in forever. I feel that falling in love made you enter some kind of dream and you thought you were ready to commit. And then, the moment reality hit, the moment our future was knocking on your door, you woke up and realized, "Wait a minute! I don't want this." You never changed, Allan. You're still that guy who realized or who knew since he was young that he can't imagine a lifetime being with someone. Falling in love with me was just entering a dream for you. The prospect of forever with someone is a dream and not a reality for you. And sadly, you woke upfrom that dream. You're still the same guy you were before we met... the guy who couldn't commit. It just hurts that while you were living in the dream, I was living in the reality of a future together.
Five years ago, on May 5, 2003, I sent you this text and it surprised me to read this message because it spoke volumes of who we really are now and then. At this point, we were texting about having a condo and wanting to finally spend our lives together:
"I know... Sana we have a stroke of good luck. But the best thing to do now is work on what we have. Work hard, save money, sacrifice a bit. We're just starting out, babe. There's still a lot of things that should happen in our lives... a lot to learn and discover. In time, it will happen. :) But you're right, sana we're rich na and we have our condo. :)"
We shared a common goal, a dream, and true enough, I did what I said and I made our dream happen. While you, you relied on luck and fate for the dream to happen and I guess you don't believe in working hard to get what you want. You just take whatever life gives you. How do you expect to enjoy what you have if you didn't work for it? You wanted the easy way , and now, 6 years later, you still want the easy way. You keep saying that we grew apart. No, Allan. :( We didn't grow apart. As I said before, I'm still here living the dream we shared. I'm still working on the that dream. We didn't grow apart, Allan. You just didn't grow up. Our dreams, our life together, the promises you made to me did not inspire you to grow up. You didn't grow up with me. You don't know how much it pains me to realize that. I guess everything you said then were empty promises, huh? How I make you happy, how you wanna make m happy with all your capabilities because I'm worth everything. How "3 months is such a short time in my plan to keep you forever." How we complete each other. How I am your salvation, the one you wanna share your life with from the highest high to the lowest low- without me, your life would not have the same brillance, clarity and direction.. in all the chaos of joy and pain.. at the end of the day, it's me you wanna be with, to set everything straight, for every thing to be right, for your life to shine. With me, you feel strong and complete. I am the one you wanna come home to and you thank God for giving you the chance to live your life with such a special woman like me.
You don't know hard I'm crying right now. I am mourning the loss. I am crying because I believed you with all my heart. I carried your words with me and look at what happened to me when you realized you weren't ready for the commitment. You left me, Allan. You left me with nothing. You turned my world upside down, our future in shambles and left me nothing but words to haunt me. All empty words. Do you have any idea, any concept at all of how much you hurt me? The feeling is so intense that it feels grander than hurt and pain.
I used to describe my love for you as so intense that it's no longer love. It feels much grander than love that it was impossible to love you even more. Now I can describe the hurt, sorrow, pain and grief you caused me the same way.
Once upon a time, you once said, "I never told you this- but Mario was stupid for letting you go." How does it feel knowing you did the same thing too? How does it feel knowing that you didn't just walk away from me but a whole future together? I guess it wouldn't really matter because this isn't what you wanted diba? After all the promises you made me believe? A future with me isn't what you need.
Once upon a time, you also said "I fear because I am human and I know I can make mistakes- and I fear that if the impossible happens, the biggest loss in my life is losing you! And I never plan that to happen!"
And I hope one day you'll regret letting me go. One day, you'll realize that the biggest loss in your life is losing me. And if there's anything that I can wish for, it would be that- to realize what a mistake it was to leave me.
December 31 and January 1 came by without any greeting from you. I'm not surprised. I knew already not to expect anything from you. It just made me sad that after 6 years, only a month has passed and you couldn't greet me a happy new year out of courtesy. I know I should text you too but what are the rules when you break up? People told me not to text you anymore and I didn't out of pride, because I also wanted to see if you cared or remembered me, because you were the one who broke it off.
A lot in me has changed since that Christmas Night I cried because you didn't text. I guess it really helped that I went out almost every night. It made me forget you and not think about us.
Last night, Bri asked me if I was moving on and I said I didn't know. He asked if I was still hoping we'd get back together and I said I didn't know. I guess I'm slowly accepting that we would never be. I'm not in a hurry to mvoe on. All I know is I'm not ready to date yet because I'll just end up comparing the guy to you and that wouldn't be fair to him.
Bri told me that I should understand that the reason we broke up is because of our differences and I know that. I accept that. I can easily live with that. What I couldn't accept is that you liked someone else while we were together. You enjoyed being with some other girl. I know she is not the cause of our break up. But you don't know how much that devastated me. It was that fact that BROKE me more than you not committing to me and now I know why.
Last night, I stumbled upon text messages you sent me back in 2002. These were messages that showed you were falling in love me and I you. We were so happy and overwhelmed with the feeling of loving and being loved. We drove each other crazy happy just with sweet words. We felt so much passion for one another. A lot of messages described how our kisses, hugs, stares and caresses felt to one another. How we found the perfect person for us. How, as you put it, "I like you for the same reasons and because of your strength and faith in me- it makes me so strong also. We were looking for the same qualities and characteristics and we found it in each other! :) " (How ironic that we broke up because we were too different.) We couldn't stop telling each other how we're meant for each other, we couldn't stop talking about our life and dreams together. And maybe that's why finding out you like someone else hurt because you led me to believe that there cannot be anyone else. It's an impossibility and I guess I trusted you. I had faith in you. I believed in your word.
Perhaps one of the most painful messages I read was sent on March 18, 2003:
"Baby, I'm home na! :) You know, to be honest, sometimes when I was younger, I found it hard to imagine living a lifetime with someone- building plans and growing together but I guess someone just had to come along to change all that and now I can't imagine being without that person for the rest of my life to share, build and grow with... thanks baby! :) Thanks baby for being that person who I can't imagine living my life without! :) Thanks for everything we shared and are gonna share. :) Thanks for being that someone destiny drops in your path and knocks you in the head... and you realize that that someone is your perfect future. :) THanks for being my today and my tomorrow. I swear to do my utmost best to give you, us a bright future! :) I love you clearly. Eternally."- 2:42:58am.
I guess it hurt because I carried these words for the past 6 years. I believed them in my heart. You made me believe in forever. I feel that falling in love made you enter some kind of dream and you thought you were ready to commit. And then, the moment reality hit, the moment our future was knocking on your door, you woke up and realized, "Wait a minute! I don't want this." You never changed, Allan. You're still that guy who realized or who knew since he was young that he can't imagine a lifetime being with someone. Falling in love with me was just entering a dream for you. The prospect of forever with someone is a dream and not a reality for you. And sadly, you woke upfrom that dream. You're still the same guy you were before we met... the guy who couldn't commit. It just hurts that while you were living in the dream, I was living in the reality of a future together.
Five years ago, on May 5, 2003, I sent you this text and it surprised me to read this message because it spoke volumes of who we really are now and then. At this point, we were texting about having a condo and wanting to finally spend our lives together:
"I know... Sana we have a stroke of good luck. But the best thing to do now is work on what we have. Work hard, save money, sacrifice a bit. We're just starting out, babe. There's still a lot of things that should happen in our lives... a lot to learn and discover. In time, it will happen. :) But you're right, sana we're rich na and we have our condo. :)"
We shared a common goal, a dream, and true enough, I did what I said and I made our dream happen. While you, you relied on luck and fate for the dream to happen and I guess you don't believe in working hard to get what you want. You just take whatever life gives you. How do you expect to enjoy what you have if you didn't work for it? You wanted the easy way , and now, 6 years later, you still want the easy way. You keep saying that we grew apart. No, Allan. :( We didn't grow apart. As I said before, I'm still here living the dream we shared. I'm still working on the that dream. We didn't grow apart, Allan. You just didn't grow up. Our dreams, our life together, the promises you made to me did not inspire you to grow up. You didn't grow up with me. You don't know how much it pains me to realize that. I guess everything you said then were empty promises, huh? How I make you happy, how you wanna make m happy with all your capabilities because I'm worth everything. How "3 months is such a short time in my plan to keep you forever." How we complete each other. How I am your salvation, the one you wanna share your life with from the highest high to the lowest low- without me, your life would not have the same brillance, clarity and direction.. in all the chaos of joy and pain.. at the end of the day, it's me you wanna be with, to set everything straight, for every thing to be right, for your life to shine. With me, you feel strong and complete. I am the one you wanna come home to and you thank God for giving you the chance to live your life with such a special woman like me.
You don't know hard I'm crying right now. I am mourning the loss. I am crying because I believed you with all my heart. I carried your words with me and look at what happened to me when you realized you weren't ready for the commitment. You left me, Allan. You left me with nothing. You turned my world upside down, our future in shambles and left me nothing but words to haunt me. All empty words. Do you have any idea, any concept at all of how much you hurt me? The feeling is so intense that it feels grander than hurt and pain.
I used to describe my love for you as so intense that it's no longer love. It feels much grander than love that it was impossible to love you even more. Now I can describe the hurt, sorrow, pain and grief you caused me the same way.
Once upon a time, you once said, "I never told you this- but Mario was stupid for letting you go." How does it feel knowing you did the same thing too? How does it feel knowing that you didn't just walk away from me but a whole future together? I guess it wouldn't really matter because this isn't what you wanted diba? After all the promises you made me believe? A future with me isn't what you need.
Once upon a time, you also said "I fear because I am human and I know I can make mistakes- and I fear that if the impossible happens, the biggest loss in my life is losing you! And I never plan that to happen!"
And I hope one day you'll regret letting me go. One day, you'll realize that the biggest loss in your life is losing me. And if there's anything that I can wish for, it would be that- to realize what a mistake it was to leave me.
Written on December 31, 2008
Last night was a huge success. I'm still on a high from the events. Without any exaggeration, Allan, and with all honesty, I was the star of the night. Guys grabbed me for photos with them at the photobooth. Guys kept coming up to me just to talk. Guys asked me to have photos taken. And I became even more popular when I brought out my bottle of Smirnoff Vodka and gave shots to everyone. I really worked the room.
For the first time, I really enjoyed being single. My self confidence really boosted last night and I drove all the way home with a smile.
For the first time, I felt and said to myself, "Tangina! I don't need you, Allan!"
Happy New Year, Allan! For 2009, I wish you more success in your career. I wish you more awards and a big promotion. No matter what happens, I'll always be your biggest fan. I wish you a more open relationship with your family. One of the things I learned during the break up is that family will always be there for you to support you. I also wish a closer relationship with God. Most of all, I wish that you find or figure out what you want out of life.
Last night was a huge success. I'm still on a high from the events. Without any exaggeration, Allan, and with all honesty, I was the star of the night. Guys grabbed me for photos with them at the photobooth. Guys kept coming up to me just to talk. Guys asked me to have photos taken. And I became even more popular when I brought out my bottle of Smirnoff Vodka and gave shots to everyone. I really worked the room.
For the first time, I really enjoyed being single. My self confidence really boosted last night and I drove all the way home with a smile.
For the first time, I felt and said to myself, "Tangina! I don't need you, Allan!"
Happy New Year, Allan! For 2009, I wish you more success in your career. I wish you more awards and a big promotion. No matter what happens, I'll always be your biggest fan. I wish you a more open relationship with your family. One of the things I learned during the break up is that family will always be there for you to support you. I also wish a closer relationship with God. Most of all, I wish that you find or figure out what you want out of life.
Written on December 30, 2008
Tonight, I'm going to my 10th year high school reunion and I'm wearing the hottest little black dress that I own. I bought it it Bangkok and was saving it for a special occasion. I was waiting for the perfect event I can wear it to so you can be proud to call me your girlfriend. Where you could stare at me across the room and take pride in the fact that while other men may stare, wonder and want to get to know me, I belong to you.
It's a shame you'll never get to see me wear this dress again but if you do, it's almost a tragedy that you cannot take a pride in the fact that I am yours.
Tonight, I'm going to my 10th year high school reunion and I'm wearing the hottest little black dress that I own. I bought it it Bangkok and was saving it for a special occasion. I was waiting for the perfect event I can wear it to so you can be proud to call me your girlfriend. Where you could stare at me across the room and take pride in the fact that while other men may stare, wonder and want to get to know me, I belong to you.
It's a shame you'll never get to see me wear this dress again but if you do, it's almost a tragedy that you cannot take a pride in the fact that I am yours.
Written on December 30, 2008
Like I told you before, I don't need to investigate or spy because things will just come out on their own. Yesterday, I found out something. At first, I was shocked because what I felt or what was just a hunch became true. I felt disappointed because it was true. I was disappointed because I wanted to have a little more faith in you. I wanted to give you benefit of doubt. Eventually, I cried out of frustration and anger and kept questioning how you can do this to me. How can you continue hurting me by making me stupid when we were together and making me stupid now? Ginagawa mo akong tanga noon, ginagawa mo akong tanga pa rin hanggang ngayon. Tell me, Allan, what did I do to deserve such treatment from you? I know I'm not perfect and I made my share of mistakes but did I deserve to be lied to, cheated on and be betrayed? Was I that horrible to you? Ganun ba kalala ang pagkukulang ko sa yo?
Like I told you before, I don't need to investigate or spy because things will just come out on their own. Yesterday, I found out something. At first, I was shocked because what I felt or what was just a hunch became true. I felt disappointed because it was true. I was disappointed because I wanted to have a little more faith in you. I wanted to give you benefit of doubt. Eventually, I cried out of frustration and anger and kept questioning how you can do this to me. How can you continue hurting me by making me stupid when we were together and making me stupid now? Ginagawa mo akong tanga noon, ginagawa mo akong tanga pa rin hanggang ngayon. Tell me, Allan, what did I do to deserve such treatment from you? I know I'm not perfect and I made my share of mistakes but did I deserve to be lied to, cheated on and be betrayed? Was I that horrible to you? Ganun ba kalala ang pagkukulang ko sa yo?
Written on December 29, 2008
Ever since we had that talk on the phone, I've come to realize something. Remember when I said if you find someone who is just like you, of course you can't help but be attracted to that person and for that, I don't blame you. I now realize that I do blame you. Liking someone, just like love, is a choice we have to make. Liking someone is something you have to develop over time. The moment you are aware that you are attracted to someone, you make a decision whether to pursue it or not. Allan, you obviously made a choice and that really, really hurts. You consciously invited her to drink after work because you wanted to get to know her better and that already is infidelity.
Let me ask you this. If I invited another guy to have coffee or dinner with me while we were together, would you feel betrayed? If I didn't tell you about it, would you have thought of it as nothing? Don't lie to yourself, Allan. You know you would feel hurt and betrayed.
As I said, to like someone is a decision. While we were together, I could have developed feelings for other men. I could even have flirted with them. But I made that decision out of love and respect for you. Why couldn't you do the same for me? What did I do to deserve less from you? What did I do to lose your love and respect?
Ever since we had that talk on the phone, I've come to realize something. Remember when I said if you find someone who is just like you, of course you can't help but be attracted to that person and for that, I don't blame you. I now realize that I do blame you. Liking someone, just like love, is a choice we have to make. Liking someone is something you have to develop over time. The moment you are aware that you are attracted to someone, you make a decision whether to pursue it or not. Allan, you obviously made a choice and that really, really hurts. You consciously invited her to drink after work because you wanted to get to know her better and that already is infidelity.
Let me ask you this. If I invited another guy to have coffee or dinner with me while we were together, would you feel betrayed? If I didn't tell you about it, would you have thought of it as nothing? Don't lie to yourself, Allan. You know you would feel hurt and betrayed.
As I said, to like someone is a decision. While we were together, I could have developed feelings for other men. I could even have flirted with them. But I made that decision out of love and respect for you. Why couldn't you do the same for me? What did I do to deserve less from you? What did I do to lose your love and respect?
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Written on December 28, 2008
It's the 28th today. December 28, 2008. 6 years ago, you put a lot of effort in making this night very, extra special. Do you remember that? The romantic surprise, the candlelit dinner, the rose petals strewn on the floor, the lights glistening because of the silver stars hanging on the ceiling. A very romantic gesture that I will remember and treasure forever.
You don't know how happy you made me feel that it was worth giving myself wholly and completely to you. It was the most I have given myself to and you were very lucky. Nobody else will ever have that.
Thank you for giving me that night. It was the night all was right in the world. I am loved and worthy of loving. I hope you will treasure that night as much as I do because it was another momentous event in the life we had together. It was so special that it was the best, Allan... and maybe even perfect. :)
It's the 28th today. December 28, 2008. 6 years ago, you put a lot of effort in making this night very, extra special. Do you remember that? The romantic surprise, the candlelit dinner, the rose petals strewn on the floor, the lights glistening because of the silver stars hanging on the ceiling. A very romantic gesture that I will remember and treasure forever.
You don't know how happy you made me feel that it was worth giving myself wholly and completely to you. It was the most I have given myself to and you were very lucky. Nobody else will ever have that.
Thank you for giving me that night. It was the night all was right in the world. I am loved and worthy of loving. I hope you will treasure that night as much as I do because it was another momentous event in the life we had together. It was so special that it was the best, Allan... and maybe even perfect. :)
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Written on December 26, 2008- 4am-ish
After praying in the adoration chapel, praying for you and for me, my phone began to ring. It was you. I didn't pick it up because I didn't want my family to hear what we were talking about (You know how it makes me uncomfortable for others to hear my side of the conversation). But most importantly, I was scared that I might burst into tears. I was afraid of what you might say. Of course I had an inkling that you were just gonna greet me but that made a whole lot of difference. It made my Christmas. Don't get me wrong. The call and the text you sent me after did not spark hope that we'll be back together or that there's a chance of that happening. It just made me glad, happy even, and relieved that you still cared.
I told you before that because of the break up and because of you liking her, I no longer know how to paint you. I no longer know how to see you. But this, this just shows that the Allan I once loved is still beneath all the different notions I have of you. I told you before that I do not want to go on living the rest of my life thinking that my first love could not only just commit to me and our future but also could at the very least, commit emotional infidelity. Tonight, you gave me faith in you. A friend told me that I shouldn't forget that you are now a different person. I know that. I'm just relieved that there's still a part of the old Allan left in you.
We had a beautiful relationship, Allan. Our 6 years were the happiest in my life. I do not want the memories of that to be destroyed simply because you changed.
P.S. Thanks for the Christmas gift. You know what's funny? The title of the books you gave me. I'm "Crazy Hot" and she's "A Kept Woman".
After praying in the adoration chapel, praying for you and for me, my phone began to ring. It was you. I didn't pick it up because I didn't want my family to hear what we were talking about (You know how it makes me uncomfortable for others to hear my side of the conversation). But most importantly, I was scared that I might burst into tears. I was afraid of what you might say. Of course I had an inkling that you were just gonna greet me but that made a whole lot of difference. It made my Christmas. Don't get me wrong. The call and the text you sent me after did not spark hope that we'll be back together or that there's a chance of that happening. It just made me glad, happy even, and relieved that you still cared.
I told you before that because of the break up and because of you liking her, I no longer know how to paint you. I no longer know how to see you. But this, this just shows that the Allan I once loved is still beneath all the different notions I have of you. I told you before that I do not want to go on living the rest of my life thinking that my first love could not only just commit to me and our future but also could at the very least, commit emotional infidelity. Tonight, you gave me faith in you. A friend told me that I shouldn't forget that you are now a different person. I know that. I'm just relieved that there's still a part of the old Allan left in you.
We had a beautiful relationship, Allan. Our 6 years were the happiest in my life. I do not want the memories of that to be destroyed simply because you changed.
P.S. Thanks for the Christmas gift. You know what's funny? The title of the books you gave me. I'm "Crazy Hot" and she's "A Kept Woman".
December 25, 2008- 3:30ish AM
It's 3:30am and I'm still waiting for your text. I cried in my dad's arms when 12mn struck and you never called or texted. I locked myself in the room and cried my heart out. I don't understand. Do you no longer care? How is it that I was someone important to you for 6 years and now I'm nobody? How can you be so heartless? So insensitive? How can you possibly hurt me further?
I'm thinking that maybe you're not greeting me because you think it's giving me hope, that it's not helping me move on. You're wrong. By texting me or greeting me, you're just letting me know, you're acknowledging that I meant something to you, you're acknowledging that we shared something special. We were together for more of the year. Doesn't that even account for something?
It's 3:30am and I'm still waiting for your text. I cried in my dad's arms when 12mn struck and you never called or texted. I locked myself in the room and cried my heart out. I don't understand. Do you no longer care? How is it that I was someone important to you for 6 years and now I'm nobody? How can you be so heartless? So insensitive? How can you possibly hurt me further?
I'm thinking that maybe you're not greeting me because you think it's giving me hope, that it's not helping me move on. You're wrong. By texting me or greeting me, you're just letting me know, you're acknowledging that I meant something to you, you're acknowledging that we shared something special. We were together for more of the year. Doesn't that even account for something?
Written on December 24, 2008
It's Christmas Eve. My first Christmas in 6 years without you. I never thought this day would arrive. I always thought I'd be spending Christmases with you for as long as we both shall live. Christmas is suppose to be spent with family and loved ones and even though I'm surrounded by them, I still feel alone and lonely. I wonder if you'll call me at midnight. I wonder if you'll care. I wonder if you'll even send me a text. I wonder if you're alone or if you're with her.
My heart still feels like it's breaking... every single day. It's shattered into a million pieces and those pieces are still breaking further. I cannot believe that the one person who loved me so much can also hurt me the most. And I wonder what did I do to deserve such pain and suffering.
My fear is that you look back into the relationship and feel relieved you got out- that all you see is all that was bad about it.
I hope you will forever remember of the beautiful times we shared, the memories we built. I hope you will see me as the woman who loved you with all her heart and remember me as the woman who you loved with all your heart, mind and soul. Merry Christmas, my dearest baby...
It's Christmas Eve. My first Christmas in 6 years without you. I never thought this day would arrive. I always thought I'd be spending Christmases with you for as long as we both shall live. Christmas is suppose to be spent with family and loved ones and even though I'm surrounded by them, I still feel alone and lonely. I wonder if you'll call me at midnight. I wonder if you'll care. I wonder if you'll even send me a text. I wonder if you're alone or if you're with her.
My heart still feels like it's breaking... every single day. It's shattered into a million pieces and those pieces are still breaking further. I cannot believe that the one person who loved me so much can also hurt me the most. And I wonder what did I do to deserve such pain and suffering.
My fear is that you look back into the relationship and feel relieved you got out- that all you see is all that was bad about it.
I hope you will forever remember of the beautiful times we shared, the memories we built. I hope you will see me as the woman who loved you with all her heart and remember me as the woman who you loved with all your heart, mind and soul. Merry Christmas, my dearest baby...
Written on December 23, 2008
I don't understand how you can easily cut me out of your life after 6 years. You make it seem so easy. 6 years and then I'm gone. It really baffles me. How can you turn off your feelings just like that? Or did you feel the love was gone for a long time? If so, why did you stay? What kept you from holding on? Guilt? Fear? Cowardice?
I just wish you were honest with me from the beginning. I was honest with you the whole time. Did I not deserve the truth from you? Did I not deserve your honesty and respect?
I loved you so much, perhaps too much and that's what I did wrong. I believed from the beginning that we were meant to be, you are THE ONE, and we were talking towards a future together. We didn't grow apart, Allan. I'm still here, left in the dream we both believed and shared in. It was you who left. It was you who changed.
The last time we talked, you said that I chose the condo over you. That's not true and I know deep in your heart, you know I didn't. Even before we got together, I already had the dream of owning a home. That dream strengthened because we both shared the same dream. You inspired me to work hard and achieve that dream. And now, because you feel emasculated or because it hurt your pride and ego that I can afford to buy a home, you're asking me to give it up? How selfish is that, Allan? If only you stepped up and worked with me, you could have a home too. You said we can just rent or get a one bedroom place first but Allan, all your decisions are for the short term, something temporary. My decision was based on what is beneficial to us in the long run and not what is beneficial to us for now. I loved you that much that I thought of your future. When will you ever see that? I really hope that one day, when you have responsibilities to pay for, you realize how correct my insights were.
Lately I've been toying with the idea of selling the condo just to prove something to you. To be honest, I'm no longer excited about the developments of the condo. But you know what, everybody- as in everybody- even your friends are telling me not to sell it, to go on with it. (These people are not emotionally involved in the situation we're in so they must be making a sound judgment). So that means, the decision to keep the condo is the right one after all. You're the only one against it, after all.
And besides, Allan, can you live with yourself knowing you made me give up something I worked hard to achieve just so you feel better about yourself?
I don't understand how you can easily cut me out of your life after 6 years. You make it seem so easy. 6 years and then I'm gone. It really baffles me. How can you turn off your feelings just like that? Or did you feel the love was gone for a long time? If so, why did you stay? What kept you from holding on? Guilt? Fear? Cowardice?
I just wish you were honest with me from the beginning. I was honest with you the whole time. Did I not deserve the truth from you? Did I not deserve your honesty and respect?
I loved you so much, perhaps too much and that's what I did wrong. I believed from the beginning that we were meant to be, you are THE ONE, and we were talking towards a future together. We didn't grow apart, Allan. I'm still here, left in the dream we both believed and shared in. It was you who left. It was you who changed.
The last time we talked, you said that I chose the condo over you. That's not true and I know deep in your heart, you know I didn't. Even before we got together, I already had the dream of owning a home. That dream strengthened because we both shared the same dream. You inspired me to work hard and achieve that dream. And now, because you feel emasculated or because it hurt your pride and ego that I can afford to buy a home, you're asking me to give it up? How selfish is that, Allan? If only you stepped up and worked with me, you could have a home too. You said we can just rent or get a one bedroom place first but Allan, all your decisions are for the short term, something temporary. My decision was based on what is beneficial to us in the long run and not what is beneficial to us for now. I loved you that much that I thought of your future. When will you ever see that? I really hope that one day, when you have responsibilities to pay for, you realize how correct my insights were.
Lately I've been toying with the idea of selling the condo just to prove something to you. To be honest, I'm no longer excited about the developments of the condo. But you know what, everybody- as in everybody- even your friends are telling me not to sell it, to go on with it. (These people are not emotionally involved in the situation we're in so they must be making a sound judgment). So that means, the decision to keep the condo is the right one after all. You're the only one against it, after all.
And besides, Allan, can you live with yourself knowing you made me give up something I worked hard to achieve just so you feel better about yourself?
Written on December 21, 2008
Yesterday was a very exhausting day. I was spent emotionally. I finally got to talk to you and I was able to say what I wanted to say and ask the questions boggling my mind.
It's still very painful and I find it unfair that I'm the only one suffering, the only one hurting when I'm the one who loved with all my heart, my soul. I asked you if you still love me and you said that you do but it's changing into a different form- that you no longer love me as a girlfriend. How fast did your love change? Did your love slowly die? Did you fall out of love? And if you did fall out of love, why did you allow it to happen? Love is a decision, Allan. You choose to love someone and I guess, you chose to stop loving me. Despite all that I've done for you, despite caring for you, despite my flaws, was I not worth loving?
Yesterday was a very exhausting day. I was spent emotionally. I finally got to talk to you and I was able to say what I wanted to say and ask the questions boggling my mind.
It's still very painful and I find it unfair that I'm the only one suffering, the only one hurting when I'm the one who loved with all my heart, my soul. I asked you if you still love me and you said that you do but it's changing into a different form- that you no longer love me as a girlfriend. How fast did your love change? Did your love slowly die? Did you fall out of love? And if you did fall out of love, why did you allow it to happen? Love is a decision, Allan. You choose to love someone and I guess, you chose to stop loving me. Despite all that I've done for you, despite caring for you, despite my flaws, was I not worth loving?
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Written on December 20, 2008
I woke up feeling miserable and lost. I really don't know what to do. Why does it seem all too easy for you? While I'm here having a hard time dealing with your loss. So many questions are running in my hed and only you can stop them, only you can answer them. I fear calling you because you might reject me. I fear calling you because how would I know that the things you're saying are the truth and not the things I wanna hear. Do you know how hard this is for me? I still love you so much. I still miss you. (I just noticed the date today. It's been a month since I knew my world is gonna fall apart. Has it really been a month? It seems like only yesterday. Funny because when we broke up, I felt that we broke up a long time ago. It felt that long.)
I'm scared to talk to you and find out that the love has long gone. I'm scared to find out that you hate me.
The past few days, I've been walking with a heavy heart. My smile, the smile you used to love, no longer reaches my eyes. I see the world with tear stained eyes. I've seen myself cry countless times in the mirror. I've cried while taking a shower, while brushing my teeth, while fixing my clothes. But the worse, Allan, the very worst is when I'm driving. It comes to a point that I no longer see the cars in front of me and the lights just blur.
Allan, when will I be okay? Will you make it okay?
******
I'm sitting here at the adoration chapel. I come here often, even if it's not a Sunday, to seek solace and comfort. I come here when I feel the need to cry. I ask God to give me a sign that today be the day I talk to you about all these questions in my head. I pray that I ask the right questions and I pray that you be honest with me. I got my sign- roses.
Truth be told, I'm confused about a lot of things. I do not know what I want. I cannot make decisions on my own. I listen to everybody about what to do, how to handle it. So many people are giving me advices about how to deal with you and the situation and yet, at the end of the day, I am still lost.
I woke up feeling miserable and lost. I really don't know what to do. Why does it seem all too easy for you? While I'm here having a hard time dealing with your loss. So many questions are running in my hed and only you can stop them, only you can answer them. I fear calling you because you might reject me. I fear calling you because how would I know that the things you're saying are the truth and not the things I wanna hear. Do you know how hard this is for me? I still love you so much. I still miss you. (I just noticed the date today. It's been a month since I knew my world is gonna fall apart. Has it really been a month? It seems like only yesterday. Funny because when we broke up, I felt that we broke up a long time ago. It felt that long.)
I'm scared to talk to you and find out that the love has long gone. I'm scared to find out that you hate me.
The past few days, I've been walking with a heavy heart. My smile, the smile you used to love, no longer reaches my eyes. I see the world with tear stained eyes. I've seen myself cry countless times in the mirror. I've cried while taking a shower, while brushing my teeth, while fixing my clothes. But the worse, Allan, the very worst is when I'm driving. It comes to a point that I no longer see the cars in front of me and the lights just blur.
Allan, when will I be okay? Will you make it okay?
******
I'm sitting here at the adoration chapel. I come here often, even if it's not a Sunday, to seek solace and comfort. I come here when I feel the need to cry. I ask God to give me a sign that today be the day I talk to you about all these questions in my head. I pray that I ask the right questions and I pray that you be honest with me. I got my sign- roses.
Truth be told, I'm confused about a lot of things. I do not know what I want. I cannot make decisions on my own. I listen to everybody about what to do, how to handle it. So many people are giving me advices about how to deal with you and the situation and yet, at the end of the day, I am still lost.
Written in December 19, 2008
I don't like being alone because an intense degree of sadness just washes over me- grief adnd sorrow. I catch myself just thinking of you while doing the most mundane of things- driving, doing the grocery, taking a shower, brushing my teeth. I still don't understand what happened and yet, at the same time, I do understand.
After everything that happened and learning what I know, my head is telling me that you're not for me, that you're not the one and under no circumstances, should I want you back. But it's my heart that's the problem. It wouldn't listen to my head. You can't imagine how frustrated I am feeling that I can still forgive you and take you back- if you came back. And that definitely made me wonder how unconditional my love is for you.
I know it's stupid and I'm just being a martyr but I'm at the point where I feel I can just forgive you for anything. I want our dream back, Allan. I want our future back. I want it to be us growing up and growing together, learning from our mistakes and from each other.
But I do know that it's easy to say these words and it will take a lot on both our parts to make it work. At this point, I wanna work it out, give it another try but I also know your heart is no longer in this relationship. Your heart is no longer with me. Your love, your heart has long gone and I have nothing. Nothing.
I don't like being alone because an intense degree of sadness just washes over me- grief adnd sorrow. I catch myself just thinking of you while doing the most mundane of things- driving, doing the grocery, taking a shower, brushing my teeth. I still don't understand what happened and yet, at the same time, I do understand.
After everything that happened and learning what I know, my head is telling me that you're not for me, that you're not the one and under no circumstances, should I want you back. But it's my heart that's the problem. It wouldn't listen to my head. You can't imagine how frustrated I am feeling that I can still forgive you and take you back- if you came back. And that definitely made me wonder how unconditional my love is for you.
I know it's stupid and I'm just being a martyr but I'm at the point where I feel I can just forgive you for anything. I want our dream back, Allan. I want our future back. I want it to be us growing up and growing together, learning from our mistakes and from each other.
But I do know that it's easy to say these words and it will take a lot on both our parts to make it work. At this point, I wanna work it out, give it another try but I also know your heart is no longer in this relationship. Your heart is no longer with me. Your love, your heart has long gone and I have nothing. Nothing.
Written on December 17, 2008
Ever since we broke up, I have slowly been removing you from my life. I stopped wearing the bracelet of our photos as that was a symbol of wearing my heart on my sleeve. I changed my Facebook status to single as my way of accepting the reality that we're over. I removed our photos because they reminded me of happy days. I packed the Christmas photo that resided beside my bed for 6 years because it reminded me of the best night of my life. I finally removed or deleted all your text messages because I know I should not be holding unto them.
Just yesterday, I pulled out THE BOX. The beautiful box you made and gave as a gift 6 Christmases ago and found your old letters. I read them and became sad and nostalgic. We really were happy back then. We were each other's world.
Today, I realized that from beginning to end, you were my world, my life. And sadly, somewhere along the way, I was no longer yours. I always thought you loved me more than I love you. Now I know that I loved you more because I am still here hoping that we could work things out, despite knowing everything. I love you more because I gave everything I had into this relationship. I don't know if you believe that and I don't know what it would take for me to prove it.
I know you think, still think, that I chose the condo over you. I never did. I just couldn't let go of a dream we shared. It's because of you I'm still holding on to a dream. Only my practical side or reasons are secondary. Truth be told, I don't know if I can live there or with my future husband, knowing that it's suppose to be our home.
While my love remained strong, it pains me to know that your love slowly died because it wasn't strong enough to make you stay and work things out. Perhaps her prescence gave you courage to leave.
Tonight, I remembered something you said in September 2007. We had a huge fight and you said something like your love being strong that we can deal with anything. I asked you, "What if I cheated on you? Can you still forgive me?" And you said, "I don't know." That's how much you loved and cared. And in those times when I was too weak, that I attempted to run away, you said your love was strong for both of us. Where's that love now, Allan? Because I really need it.
I know that if she didn't enter your life, you would have fought for us. You would have stayed. And it pains me that it took only one person to weaken your love and our future.
STUFF FROM THE BOX
Letter when you left Boracay on March 2003:
"I just want to tell you that I had the greatest time. You were right. Boracay is so beautiful and it becomes heaven when you spend it with the person you deeply love. Thank you for giving me Heaven, babe! Thanks for making this the best experience in my life. And I thank God for giving me you- The best that ever happened to my life!!!"
For my birthday, year unknown:
"In this relationship, we've had our ups and downs.
Yet as long as it doesn't flatline, my heart will always beat for you."
I guess now that our relationship is dead, your heart no longer beats for me, huh?
Ever since we broke up, I have slowly been removing you from my life. I stopped wearing the bracelet of our photos as that was a symbol of wearing my heart on my sleeve. I changed my Facebook status to single as my way of accepting the reality that we're over. I removed our photos because they reminded me of happy days. I packed the Christmas photo that resided beside my bed for 6 years because it reminded me of the best night of my life. I finally removed or deleted all your text messages because I know I should not be holding unto them.
Just yesterday, I pulled out THE BOX. The beautiful box you made and gave as a gift 6 Christmases ago and found your old letters. I read them and became sad and nostalgic. We really were happy back then. We were each other's world.
Today, I realized that from beginning to end, you were my world, my life. And sadly, somewhere along the way, I was no longer yours. I always thought you loved me more than I love you. Now I know that I loved you more because I am still here hoping that we could work things out, despite knowing everything. I love you more because I gave everything I had into this relationship. I don't know if you believe that and I don't know what it would take for me to prove it.
I know you think, still think, that I chose the condo over you. I never did. I just couldn't let go of a dream we shared. It's because of you I'm still holding on to a dream. Only my practical side or reasons are secondary. Truth be told, I don't know if I can live there or with my future husband, knowing that it's suppose to be our home.
While my love remained strong, it pains me to know that your love slowly died because it wasn't strong enough to make you stay and work things out. Perhaps her prescence gave you courage to leave.
Tonight, I remembered something you said in September 2007. We had a huge fight and you said something like your love being strong that we can deal with anything. I asked you, "What if I cheated on you? Can you still forgive me?" And you said, "I don't know." That's how much you loved and cared. And in those times when I was too weak, that I attempted to run away, you said your love was strong for both of us. Where's that love now, Allan? Because I really need it.
I know that if she didn't enter your life, you would have fought for us. You would have stayed. And it pains me that it took only one person to weaken your love and our future.
STUFF FROM THE BOX
Letter when you left Boracay on March 2003:
"I just want to tell you that I had the greatest time. You were right. Boracay is so beautiful and it becomes heaven when you spend it with the person you deeply love. Thank you for giving me Heaven, babe! Thanks for making this the best experience in my life. And I thank God for giving me you- The best that ever happened to my life!!!"
For my birthday, year unknown:
"In this relationship, we've had our ups and downs.
Yet as long as it doesn't flatline, my heart will always beat for you."
I guess now that our relationship is dead, your heart no longer beats for me, huh?
Friday, January 16, 2009
Better In Time
Better In Time
by: Leona Lewis
It's been the longest winter without you
I didn't know where to turn to
See somehow I can't forget you
After all that we've been through
Going coming thought I heard a knock
Who's there no one
Thinking that I deserve it
Now I realize that I really didn't know
If you didn't notice you mean everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'mma be ok
[Chorus:]
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
Even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time
I couldn't turn on the TV
Without something there to remind me
Was it all that easy
To just put aside your feelings
If I'm dreaming don't wanna laugh
Hurt my feelings but that's the path
I'll believe in
And I know time will heal it
If you didn't notice boy you mean everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'mma be ok
[Chorus:]
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
Even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time
Since there's no more you and me
It's time I let you go
So I can be free
And live my life how it should be
No matter how hard it is I'll be fine without you
Yes I will
[Chorus: x2]
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
Even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to (yes I do)
It'll all get better in time
Note: This song has helped me through my entire grieving process. I played this song whenever I travelled, whenever I felt the need to cry, whenever I write. As of January 14, this song was played on my Ipod 130 times.
See also lyrics of "These Eyes" by India Arie as the lyrics reflect the thoughts going through my head at the time the entry was written.
by: Leona Lewis
It's been the longest winter without you
I didn't know where to turn to
See somehow I can't forget you
After all that we've been through
Going coming thought I heard a knock
Who's there no one
Thinking that I deserve it
Now I realize that I really didn't know
If you didn't notice you mean everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'mma be ok
[Chorus:]
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
Even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time
I couldn't turn on the TV
Without something there to remind me
Was it all that easy
To just put aside your feelings
If I'm dreaming don't wanna laugh
Hurt my feelings but that's the path
I'll believe in
And I know time will heal it
If you didn't notice boy you mean everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'mma be ok
[Chorus:]
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
Even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time
Since there's no more you and me
It's time I let you go
So I can be free
And live my life how it should be
No matter how hard it is I'll be fine without you
Yes I will
[Chorus: x2]
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
Even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to (yes I do)
It'll all get better in time
Note: This song has helped me through my entire grieving process. I played this song whenever I travelled, whenever I felt the need to cry, whenever I write. As of January 14, this song was played on my Ipod 130 times.
See also lyrics of "These Eyes" by India Arie as the lyrics reflect the thoughts going through my head at the time the entry was written.
Written on December 17, 2008
When we first got together, you would always be the first thought to enter my mind when I wake up and the last thing to leave my mind when we'd go to sleep. You'd invade my thought throughout the day.
Throughout the years, sometimes you were my first thought, sometimes it would be whatever problem I had at work, sometimes it would be wanting to go back to sleep. And just the same, you are, sometimes, my last thought, or whatever problem I had that day, before I went to sleep. But you'd still invade my thoughts throughout the day.
When we broke up, you filled my thoughts all the time, so much so that I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't work. I would use work to distract me from thoughts of you but you still distracted me from work.
The day I found out that there might be another woman, I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep and all the more couldn't work. I would cry worse and more than we first broke up. I had to kept digging and digging to get my answers because I couldn't believe you would be unfaithful to me, because I didn't want to see you in that light.
And you know what's difficult for me? You and her would be my first and last thought of the day. You and her would invade my thoughts throughout the day.
When we first got together, you would always be the first thought to enter my mind when I wake up and the last thing to leave my mind when we'd go to sleep. You'd invade my thought throughout the day.
Throughout the years, sometimes you were my first thought, sometimes it would be whatever problem I had at work, sometimes it would be wanting to go back to sleep. And just the same, you are, sometimes, my last thought, or whatever problem I had that day, before I went to sleep. But you'd still invade my thoughts throughout the day.
When we broke up, you filled my thoughts all the time, so much so that I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't work. I would use work to distract me from thoughts of you but you still distracted me from work.
The day I found out that there might be another woman, I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep and all the more couldn't work. I would cry worse and more than we first broke up. I had to kept digging and digging to get my answers because I couldn't believe you would be unfaithful to me, because I didn't want to see you in that light.
And you know what's difficult for me? You and her would be my first and last thought of the day. You and her would invade my thoughts throughout the day.
Written on December 16, 2008
Last night, I prepared to go to Simbang Gabi. I wanted to do this novena as a thank you to God for blessing me in many ways but most importantly, for seeing me through the pain. They say that when you complete simbang gabi, you make a wish and to be honest, I do not know what to wish for. You see, part of me wants to wish something for myself and part of me wants to wish something for you. Just now, I realize, thinking about you and your welfare has become a habit. My friends realize that you are my world and my world revolved around you. Whenever I say something about you or what you might think, want or feel, they would tell me, "Cat, stop thinking of him. Think fo yourself. It's time to think of yourself. You have been so selfless. It's time to be selfish." It's just hard getting you out of my system, you know? To not always think about you or what you might want and need.
Today, I lost my voice. I guess I kept talking and talking and crying and crying that I finally lost it.
Today, 3 people told me, in a span of 3 hours, to take time off, to take a vacation and I realized, God, I want to! I realize I wanna be away from here, as far as possible. Any country in Asia, or even domestically, isn't far enough. I just wanna run away and heal. So I went online to look for flights in LA, to see how much it would cost me and a few minutes later, I realize... I have no visa. :(
PS. Today, I found out you paid your Globe bill in full and I felt really proud of you and I hope that this is your first step towards being responsible. Keep it up! :)
Last night, I prepared to go to Simbang Gabi. I wanted to do this novena as a thank you to God for blessing me in many ways but most importantly, for seeing me through the pain. They say that when you complete simbang gabi, you make a wish and to be honest, I do not know what to wish for. You see, part of me wants to wish something for myself and part of me wants to wish something for you. Just now, I realize, thinking about you and your welfare has become a habit. My friends realize that you are my world and my world revolved around you. Whenever I say something about you or what you might think, want or feel, they would tell me, "Cat, stop thinking of him. Think fo yourself. It's time to think of yourself. You have been so selfless. It's time to be selfish." It's just hard getting you out of my system, you know? To not always think about you or what you might want and need.
Today, I lost my voice. I guess I kept talking and talking and crying and crying that I finally lost it.
Today, 3 people told me, in a span of 3 hours, to take time off, to take a vacation and I realized, God, I want to! I realize I wanna be away from here, as far as possible. Any country in Asia, or even domestically, isn't far enough. I just wanna run away and heal. So I went online to look for flights in LA, to see how much it would cost me and a few minutes later, I realize... I have no visa. :(
PS. Today, I found out you paid your Globe bill in full and I felt really proud of you and I hope that this is your first step towards being responsible. Keep it up! :)
Monday, January 12, 2009
Written on December 16, 2008
I'm sitting at Starbucks in Petron waiting for Dino because we're suppose to sign the papers for the condo, relinquishing your rights to me. On my way here, I was breaking down because the very thought of you signing the papers is a sign that it's OVER. A sign you no longer have ties to me. When you texted me yesterday that you signed the papers, I cried. I wanted to tell you, "You're finally a free man and no longer have ties to me." It's so painful to admit that. I felt that you were gonna go out and celebrate with her. I felt you were so relieved.
I know I appear to be strong and moving on but you have no idea how devastated I am. I would just suddenly burst into tears, I cannot do things we used to do together. I can no longer look at the stars, the moon. Fireworks no longer bring me nostalgia but intense sadness.
You are my first love and my first hearache and it pains me knowing that I am your first love too yet are not going through the same thing as I am. You're very lucky to have someone who will distract you from the pain and I am all alone to deal with mine.
I'm sitting at Starbucks in Petron waiting for Dino because we're suppose to sign the papers for the condo, relinquishing your rights to me. On my way here, I was breaking down because the very thought of you signing the papers is a sign that it's OVER. A sign you no longer have ties to me. When you texted me yesterday that you signed the papers, I cried. I wanted to tell you, "You're finally a free man and no longer have ties to me." It's so painful to admit that. I felt that you were gonna go out and celebrate with her. I felt you were so relieved.
I know I appear to be strong and moving on but you have no idea how devastated I am. I would just suddenly burst into tears, I cannot do things we used to do together. I can no longer look at the stars, the moon. Fireworks no longer bring me nostalgia but intense sadness.
You are my first love and my first hearache and it pains me knowing that I am your first love too yet are not going through the same thing as I am. You're very lucky to have someone who will distract you from the pain and I am all alone to deal with mine.
Where It All Began
Written on December 16, 2008
Dear Allan,
I don't know if you recognize this journal but this is your first present, birthday gift, to me. You gave me this along with the mixed CD on my 22nd birthday at the Shell Station in McKinley. The card reads "I think it's great that you write in a journal. It makes you put down all those jumbled thoughts in your head and in so doing, helps you reflect and grow as a person."
Well, in the 6 years we had together, I never had jumbled thoughts. My mind was at peace. It's only now that we have separated that I have jumbled thoughts. I often find myself composing letters to you in my head and finally, I have decided today to finally use this journal to write about the pain and the heartaches.
When we first got together, I made a scrapbook and asked you to keep it so you are reminded, when you're old, that there was once a girl who loved you so much.
Now that we have ended, I ask the same thing if I decide to give this to you. Keep this journal for yourself so that you know of the pain and suffering that the girl- now a woman- went through when she lost her first love. You were there in the beginning, Allan... I also want you to see how it ended... Until I began to heal..
Dear Allan,
I don't know if you recognize this journal but this is your first present, birthday gift, to me. You gave me this along with the mixed CD on my 22nd birthday at the Shell Station in McKinley. The card reads "I think it's great that you write in a journal. It makes you put down all those jumbled thoughts in your head and in so doing, helps you reflect and grow as a person."
Well, in the 6 years we had together, I never had jumbled thoughts. My mind was at peace. It's only now that we have separated that I have jumbled thoughts. I often find myself composing letters to you in my head and finally, I have decided today to finally use this journal to write about the pain and the heartaches.
When we first got together, I made a scrapbook and asked you to keep it so you are reminded, when you're old, that there was once a girl who loved you so much.
Now that we have ended, I ask the same thing if I decide to give this to you. Keep this journal for yourself so that you know of the pain and suffering that the girl- now a woman- went through when she lost her first love. You were there in the beginning, Allan... I also want you to see how it ended... Until I began to heal..
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