Written on December 16, 2008

Last night, I prepared to go to Simbang Gabi. I wanted to do this novena as a thank you to God for blessing me in many ways but most importantly, for seeing me through the pain. They say that when you complete simbang gabi, you make a wish and to be honest, I do not know what to wish for. You see, part of me wants to wish something for myself and part of me wants to wish something for you. Just now, I realize, thinking about you and your welfare has become a habit. My friends realize that you are my world and my world revolved around you. Whenever I say something about you or what you might think, want or feel, they would tell me, "Cat, stop thinking of him. Think fo yourself. It's time to think of yourself. You have been so selfless. It's time to be selfish." It's just hard getting you out of my system, you know? To not always think about you or what you might want and need.

Today, I lost my voice. I guess I kept talking and talking and crying and crying that I finally lost it.

Today, 3 people told me, in a span of 3 hours, to take time off, to take a vacation and I realized, God, I want to! I realize I wanna be away from here, as far as possible. Any country in Asia, or even domestically, isn't far enough. I just wanna run away and heal. So I went online to look for flights in LA, to see how much it would cost me and a few minutes later, I realize... I have no visa. :(

PS. Today, I found out you paid your Globe bill in full and I felt really proud of you and I hope that this is your first step towards being responsible. Keep it up! :)