Written in December 19, 2008

I don't like being alone because an intense degree of sadness just washes over me- grief adnd sorrow. I catch myself just thinking of you while doing the most mundane of things- driving, doing the grocery, taking a shower, brushing my teeth. I still don't understand what happened and yet, at the same time, I do understand.

After everything that happened and learning what I know, my head is telling me that you're not for me, that you're not the one and under no circumstances, should I want you back. But it's my heart that's the problem. It wouldn't listen to my head. You can't imagine how frustrated I am feeling that I can still forgive you and take you back- if you came back. And that definitely made me wonder how unconditional my love is for you.

I know it's stupid and I'm just being a martyr but I'm at the point where I feel I can just forgive you for anything. I want our dream back, Allan. I want our future back. I want it to be us growing up and growing together, learning from our mistakes and from each other.

But I do know that it's easy to say these words and it will take a lot on both our parts to make it work. At this point, I wanna work it out, give it another try but I also know your heart is no longer in this relationship. Your heart is no longer with me. Your love, your heart has long gone and I have nothing. Nothing.