Written on December 20, 2008

I woke up feeling miserable and lost. I really don't know what to do. Why does it seem all too easy for you? While I'm here having a hard time dealing with your loss. So many questions are running in my hed and only you can stop them, only you can answer them. I fear calling you because you might reject me. I fear calling you because how would I know that the things you're saying are the truth and not the things I wanna hear. Do you know how hard this is for me? I still love you so much. I still miss you. (I just noticed the date today. It's been a month since I knew my world is gonna fall apart. Has it really been a month? It seems like only yesterday. Funny because when we broke up, I felt that we broke up a long time ago. It felt that long.)

I'm scared to talk to you and find out that the love has long gone. I'm scared to find out that you hate me.

The past few days, I've been walking with a heavy heart. My smile, the smile you used to love, no longer reaches my eyes. I see the world with tear stained eyes. I've seen myself cry countless times in the mirror. I've cried while taking a shower, while brushing my teeth, while fixing my clothes. But the worse, Allan, the very worst is when I'm driving. It comes to a point that I no longer see the cars in front of me and the lights just blur.

Allan, when will I be okay? Will you make it okay?


******

I'm sitting here at the adoration chapel. I come here often, even if it's not a Sunday, to seek solace and comfort. I come here when I feel the need to cry. I ask God to give me a sign that today be the day I talk to you about all these questions in my head. I pray that I ask the right questions and I pray that you be honest with me. I got my sign- roses.

Truth be told, I'm confused about a lot of things. I do not know what I want. I cannot make decisions on my own. I listen to everybody about what to do, how to handle it. So many people are giving me advices about how to deal with you and the situation and yet, at the end of the day, I am still lost.