Written on April 12, 2009

It's been 4 and a half months since we last broke up. How I wish we could have a heart to heart talk, one without our emotions being so high, one wherein we talk like old friends. Surely, 6 years deserve another talk, don't you think? After 4 and a half months of not really communicating, I'm sure we've learned a lot about ourselves and we've come to realize a lot of things also about us.

I've come to realize that because of my strong personality, I ended up leading our relationship and perhaps, this has made you feel insecure and unworthy. I'm sorry you feel that way because I never meant to make you feel that way. I once read a story about a man asking a woman what is she looking for in a man and her last point struck a chord. It said, "In order for me to be submissive, I must respect him. In order for me to submit to him, he must be able to take care of his business. God created man to be a helpmate to man. How can I help a man if he cannot help himself?"

That's all I needed from you, Allan. All I needed was for you to step up. To do your part. If I could see that you can take care of both of us, even in the simplest of things, if I could see that you're making a continuous effort, I would have gladly given you the reins of our relationship.

I remember when we broke up, you said that you couldn't catch up with me. My question is, did you even try? Did you even make the effort? Or just the very thought of making an effort seem too difficult? One of the things I learned is that when something seems difficult, it doesn't seem so bad once you're in the situation already. Furthermore, I realized that I believed from the very beginning that you could step up. I had every faith and belief. EVERY FAITH AND BELIEF.

And I would have been there with you every step of the way. We would go through every hardship together and in doing so, it would help us ease the burden and make us strong.

I realize that perhaps you have a lot of insecurities but you know what, you have to get over them. I never really cared about the things that made you insecure because I believed in YOU and your potentials and capabilities. It's just sad that it seems you never realized them. I believe that you can be more than what you think you can be.

I remember we had a conversation early on in our relationship and you asked if I would still love you if we can only survive on peanuts. I realize that this conversation probably stems from the fact that we have slightly different backgrounds. I don't remember what I answered but now I realize that I don't care where you're from as long as you know where you're going and how you're getting there. I also realize, why settle on peanuts? Why not strive for something that we're both comfortable with? Why not aim to get something more than peanuts? And I realize now that perhaps you let me go because you were scared you couldn't give me the life I deserved.

There is a difference between a life deserved and living life as you make it and I think I prefer living a life based on what I made of it. All you have to do is make an effort.

It's just sad that you made the choice not to step up and live up to your potential. I guess your insecurities got the best of you. Even sadder is the fact that love did not inspire you to at least try. Love did not inspire you to be the best that you can be.