Written on May 20, 2009

Yesterday, I went through my YM archives. It has served as my diary and most of our fights and problems were chronicled there. I guess the reason why I went through them is because I want to understand the events that led to the break up. I know now that really had a lot of problems in 2008. I'm guessing that maybe it started in January, the night you pointed out how different we were simply because your friends could share music with me while you couldn't. It makes me wonder if you carried our differences and focused on it because in the end, you stated that as a reason of our breakup. To be honest, I still don't understand how differences in tastes of music, movies and food could lead to a breakup when those are not the foundation of a relationship. If anything, we should learn from our differences.

And then, sometime in early 2008, the XBOX broke and because you had no reason to be home, you started hanging out more with your officemates. I couldn't understand how you were becoming so attached to them to the point that you would reschedule our date nights because of some party. I remember how we were suppose to go to a party at Teacher's Village but because the directions were so unclear, you didn't want to go anymore. And then, the moment you dropped me home, you found a way to get there. My issues were never about the people you hung out with. In fact, I really liked them. My issue was with you and how inconsistent you were in your actions. I couldn't understand the changes in you. I couldn't understand why you were choosing them over me.

And then, you became really busy with one of your accounts. You were away for almost a month and when you returned, you were just as busy. I started to feel that we were drifting apart. I was beginning to wonder if I was still in a relationship with you and if you're just someone I spent my weekends with. I was beginning to question if you still loved me. Had it not been for the last few weekends when you'd be so sweet to me, I could have thought that you didn't. But now, looking back, I can't help but wonder if you even meant your actions or were you just compensating for the guilt that you felt for liking her.

Perhaps, the reason why I'm so mad is because I knew that something was already wrong but I never pointed it out. I never talked to you about it. Looking back, I realized that I didn't because I just chalked it up to you being busy and maybe that's why you're being like this. I also thought that we're stronger and we could get past these problems. I also had every faith and belief in you, in our relationship. I believed that we could make it work.

But we never got to, did we? We never got to try to fix what problems we had. We just avoided the problems all together. As long as I felt you loved me and I knew that you loved me and I knew that I love you, we would be okay. What a fool I was. Waht a fool.

And I couldn't help but wonder, as I read about our past, if you already knew that we would end. If you did, why didn't you say something about it? Why didn't you try to save the relationship? Why didn't you try to save the relationship? Why did you just let it be?

******

Sometime this month, I realized:

Do you know how luck you are to be loved by two women? Some people aren't lucky enough to be even loved in the same context and capacity. You are so lucky, Allan. But do you know who is luckier? The woman who you love in return. Only one really matters to you... and I highly doubt it's me...