Written on April 24, 2009

I was talking to someone when the person just suddenly volunteered that you're now happy and content with your life and that made me incredibly sad, not because you're happy and content before me but because I felt you were so happy and relieved to get away from the relationship... from me. And I couldn't help but wonder was I that horrible to you? It was like November again. I would breakdown in the office. All these questions started swirling in my head again. How can you be happy and content knowing you hurt someone, someone you love? How can you just let go just like that? It made me feel like shit.

I was meeting Elaine last night cuz I needed to talk to her about this when another guy friend asked us if we could meet up because he had a lot on his mind and needed to talk.

He has been with his girlfriend longer than we have and everyone expects them to marry soon. But he feels that there are so many things that he still wants to do, that he still wants to see what's out there. The sad part is, he slipped and said he likes someone. I asked if he was scared that he was just settling for his girlfriend and that there may be others better for him out there and he said yes, exactly. It was so strange, Allan. I could totally see you in him and I could already see how his girlfriend would be like when they break up. He says he has to think about it but it really seems his mind is already made up. And you know what, I support him in this.

Ironic, isn't it? That I'm supporting someone who went through the same thing you did despite knowing how painful it would be for the girl.

Last night, it felt like God intervened and gave me the answers I was looking for. And in a way, I understand you more. I guess you really are happy and content because you're free from commitments, pressure and responsibility. You got what you want and I guess I understand that you have to go through THIS before committing to anyone, rather than go through THIS when you're already committed and there's no turning back for you.

In a way, I finally understand why you're still hiding her. It's because there's no commitment. Yes, you like her and maybe even love her but you're not ready to commit. And she, she is willing to wait for you. I just hope that she knows what she's getting into and we both know she deserves to be treated better. These are just assumptions and mere interpretations, of course.

But I do hope you do what needs to be done. You find what you want and I hope you come out of it a better, mroe mature person. I wish you well, Allan.

PS. I realize as well that whether you stayed or go, I'm still the one who's gonna get hurt. I am a victim of your choices.