Written on March 29, 2009

My dearest Allan,

Seeing you at the wedding made me realize that "wala na talaga." I don't know what makes me say that but what's important is I didn't back track in my healing and instead, it pushed me forward.

God really is amazing and He works in mysterious ways and now I believe that when you're troubled, you just have to have faith and trust in Him and all will happen in His time.

On the Saturday after the wedding, I found out that you visited my blog for the first time since November 29. I guess seeing me triggered something in you and maybe you became curious or maybe you wantedto know if seeing you had an effect on me and that's why you visited my blog. I don't know your reasons but I believe that part of you still cares and that was enough for me.

On Sunday, I found out that on the day after the wedding, you began doubting your decision. You confided to your friends, and honestly, I don't know the whole story, but I believe that you said that if you chose me, you'd be unhappy for the rest of your life. It's amazing how God has strengthened me and protected my heart because it didn't hurt when I realized you were referring to being with me would make you unhappy for the rest of your life.

I also realized that the fact that you questioned or doubted your decision means that you're not exactly happy with your choice. You are not completely resolved.

I also realized that the mere fact that you presented a choice between two people, one that would make you unhappy, the mere fact that you even considered someone who would make you unhappy must only mean that you must still feel something for that someone. And the way I see it, Allan, the only way you'd even consider being with someone who would make you unhappy is if there was a catch. And that, Allan, I believe is LOVE.

You still love me, Allan. And that fact is enough for me. For the longest time, I'd repeatedly ask anyone and everyone "Why does it seem like he doesn't care? Does he not love me anymore? How can he just cut me off like that? Did 6 years together not matter to him?" And on March 22, God gave me the answer in His time. And I believe that He gave it to me when He knew I wouldn't want us back anymore, when I didn't want a relationship with you anymore. Perhaps, if He gave me the answer before I'd still be hoping.

Knowing that you still love me, or at the very least, still care, has set me free, Allan. And on March 23, exactly 4 months sincewe broke up, I finally felt happy... the kind of happiness that seems to come from the heart. And it's just a wonderful feeling. I can smile now for no reason. The spring and bounce in my step is back and most of all, the sparkle in my eyes has returned.

I can feel it, Allan. I'm healing and I owe it not only to my very amazing support group but most of all, to God. I became closer to Him because of this life changing experience. I never stopped praying the novena and I'm just in awe at how almost all my intentions have been fulfilled. I'm slowly running out of things to pray for as I progress in my recovery that I have begun to pray for you again. I pray that you learn to depend and trust in God just like I did or still do. I pray that you find true happiness.

I can feel it, Allan. I'm healing... and pretty soon, I will have completely let go of you, of us, of the love. Pretty soon, I will no longer have jumbled thoughts and I will no longer have letters to write to you.