Written on January 4, 2009

I was out again last night and learned something new. I got to talk to Cherry and she told me that when Dino told her that I thought there might be another girl, she immediately suspected her simply by the way you both acted around each other on the eve of your birthday. You guys sat too close talked too close that it was different from the way you talked to Rio. Body language says a lot, Allan. Action speaks louder than words. And the moment I arrived, she left. And I noticed, it would always be like that. She would always be gone by the time I arrive. Why? Cuz she couldn't stand to be in the same room as me? Because she was jealous? And more importantly, is that why you didn't want me to come over to Ponti? It was your birthday! I was your girlfriend! Your officemates were celebrating your birthday! Of course, I had to be there. But instead, you kept insisting that I don't go. Why? Because you were suppose to spend it with her?

I just really hate her right now. She knew all about me and yet she still overstepped her boundaries. That says a lot about her character.

The other night, I was trying to further figure out why I got devastated when I found out about her and Elaine said when we broke up because you couldn't commit, because you weren't ready, it was easier to accept because I believed there was still hope to fix it. I could wait for you until you were ready. But the moment I found out you liked her, it removed all hope. And on top of that, you won't admit it. Don't you realize that by not admitting anything, you're still hurting me? I told you, things come out even when I'm not looking. So why can't you just admit it? Are you scared of hurting me? But you're still hurting me whether you admit it or not. All I want is the truth.

Eto na lang, Allan. Why were you gonna end "it" with her if there's nothing going on? It doesn't make sense to end something that wasn't there in the first place. Why can't you just tell me what happened? For how long and why? I deserve to know those things. It's one of the least you can do after hurting me repeatedly behind my back. Do you know how much this is haunting me? I've dreamt about it for two days already.

Just the other day, you were calling me psycho and that I'm getting crazier. Don't you realize that you made me this way? If only you admitted that you liked her, enjoyed being with her and felt a connection with her, I wouldn't have to clamor for answers. I wouldn't be as hurt when I find out new information. The only reason I'm getting hurt is because you vehemently denied it to me despite the things I discover, because for every tidbit of information I discover, you're making me look stupid.

Last night, on my way home from another night out, as I was coming back to reality after "escaping", I felt the need to cry. I put on Better In Time on rotation but the tears wouldn't come. Instead, I felt anger.

I told myself that I want to be okay already. I want to be immune to the pain every time I hear another tidbit about you and her. And then, it hit me. Why do I continue to love someone who promised me forever, made me believe in our future and dreams, then couldn't commit and repeatedly hurt me by betraying my love and trust while we were together? You, Allan, are not deserving of that love now. And I wish, I really wish that this love will die soon, fast enough, so I can move on with my life. So I can share that love to someone who is worthy of it, who will not do those things you did to me, who will do more things for me than you ever will.