Written on January 7, 2009

Three nights ago, I confronted you about the blog and you gave me all these excuses: She didn’t write them, someone is framing her, etc. I hope you don’t think I believed you. One of the things you love about me- so you said- is that I’m smart.
But I told you, Allan, I asked God for help. I asked Him for the truth and for the strength and grace to accept it. True enough, the very next day, I found my proof.

It was a message from her to you and Allan, you can no longer deny it. It says she loves you so much and that you’re her world, her everything and that some things may be crazy but she guesses it’s the nature of your relationship. She’s sorry she doubted you. And she’s asking you to hold her hand and never let go. Wow, Allan, we are so alike. Once upon a time, I made a slideshow of our pictures and the song I placed was “Running” by No Doubt which goes,

Run. Running all the time.
Running to the future.
With you right by my side.
Me, I’m the one you chose.
Out of all the people, you wanted me the most.
And I’m so sorry that I’ve fallen,
Help me up, let’s keep on running.
Don’t make me want to give up.

Running, running, as fast as we can.
Do you think we’ll make it?
We’re running.
Keep holding my hand.
So we don’t get separated.

That song described how I felt about us and the future. It was my message to you on your birthday on July 11, 2003.

I feel no need to confront you anymore because it’s pointless. You will deny it even if it clearly shows the message was sent to you. I just want you to know that it hurts… Hurt is even an understatement… And I wonder what did I do to deserve this? I have my flaws and imperfections but I loved you wholeheartedly. I was grooming myself to become your wife. I was preparing myself to spend a lifetime with you. I had nothing but your best interests at heart.

You always say that we broke up because of personality differences. Do you know how shallow that is? You didn’t even give us a chance to work it out. You didn’t communicate. All you did was run away. You also said you didn’t break up because of her. Allan, because of her, you realized how different we are. You finally had a basis of comparison and realized it was easier to be with her because you like the same things, the same music. And most importantly, there is no pressure or responsibilities with her. I also know that she assured you it was okay to be immature and live in the now for now. Allan, you’re 28. She’s 24. What does she know about responsibility? When will you start growing up? You’ve been immature and living in the now since you were born. And lastly, of course she will say that to you. She wants you for herself. She would say anything to get you, instead of helping you out.

A lot of people ask me, “What if he comes back? Will you accept him?” The answer is still “I don’t know.” What I do know is that if you come back, assuming you come back, is we have to work doubly hard for our relationship to work. And one of the things I have to do is learn to accept that you cheated and forget about it. But I don’t know, Allan. I don’t think you’ll come back because it will take too much effort for you. Fine, you grew a pair of balls but how big enough for you to fight for us?

I just hope she’s worth it, Allan, and I hope she can take care of you as much as I did. But, Allan, as much as she’s worth it, we both know that she can never be as worthy as me. One day, Allan, you will realize, I really am your biggest loss. I’m sure you already know it in your heart. And when you do finally realize that, I hope it’s not too late.

Last night, I began purging you out of my life. I erased your text messages. I started placing all your photos in a folder so I can burn them into a CD and erase them from my laptop. It was really painful seeing our photos because we looked so happy and in love. The promise of eternity were in our eyes. It hurt me to see that you no longer smile the same way in our last few photos. I packed away the beautiful red box contained photos, your cards. What was the hardest for me to place in the box was your blue shirt. The one I would sleep in for the past 5 years. The one I slept in the night we broke up. So very painful. I had a heavy heart the entire time but it was the start of me letting you go. Painful, devastating, heartbreaking… but I’m slowly letting you go and saying goodbye.

All signs and traces of you will soon be gone and it’s as if you never existed. All is left is just a memory.

PS. Tonight I’m gonna place the memory bracelet in the box. I could never wear it again without remembering you. The pictures may have changed but the memory is there. I wore the memory bracelets for years. Everyday. To show the world I belonged to you.