Written on January 8, 2009

Since Monday, I have started each day with tears. I am more distraught than before. The pain of your betrayal so intense that I cry while in the shower, while getting dressed, while brushing my teeth, while driving, while at work. The pain so consuming that I have turned to God for help. When I wake up in the middle of the night, in the morning, when I burst into tears, I beg Him to please take away the pain, to help me let go and move on. The pain so strong that I have started to do a novena. I pray that He helps me let go and give me the strength to move on, that He removes all pain, anger and hatred in my heart, that He fights for me and that He takes care of you and her, as in bahala na Siya sa inyo. And lastly, that He calls you, that He teaches you to seek solace in Him and you learn to trust Him.

Admittedly, so many plans of revenge are running through my head. Just like my dad, I have a vindictive nature but I pray every time I have these thoughts for Him to take them away from me. I have to remind myself that God will fight for me and give you and her what is due to you.

Allan, I know that the break up is a blessing in disguise. From the very beginning, I knew that and I know the reasons for this. But, I guess, I just wanted a chance to try to work it out and save it so we can say that we tried our best. 6 years is 6 years. Isn’t it worth, at least, try saving? It’s like the first chance you got to walk away, you took it immediately.

Sometimes I wonder why am I more devastated and focused on your betrayal. I guess it’s also because you gave me 6 wonderful years, possibly the best 6 years of my life and I guess I can live the rest of my life looking at you as the man who loved me but just wasn’t ready. I can still look at you and smile when I think of you. But now that I know you betrayed me, that image, that memory of the man who loved me is gone. And it pains me so much. You were my life, you inspired me to work for our dreams and then you threw that away.

Yesterday, I was talking to a friend and she said that she still can’t believe that this happened to me. Though she rarely sees us together, there was just something about both of us that made us seem like the perfect couple. It was our aura. Our body language. Our chemistry. Even if we’re both just quiet and sitting beside each other, there was something there. And many others, even people who hardly know us saw that and that’s why even people who I hardly know were so affected by our break up. You have no idea how many people looked up to us and believed in love because of us. You may easily say that all that is just on the surface. But Allan, you know, you knew from the very beginning that we had something special, a different kind of love. It was a love that others wished they could experience in this lifetime. And maybe that’s why it’s beyond devastating and heartbreaking now that it has ended.
Through this pain, I cannot stop questioning why am I hurting so much and many have said, “Cat, it’s because you love him.” But I ask them, “What about him? Didn’t he love me? Why isn’t he in pain? Why isn’t he suffering?” Some say it’s because I have been replaced already. Is that it? 6 years of love and hardships are just gone because of one person? Ganun- ganun na lang bay un? I gave my whole self to you, to our relationship and our future and you did not even mourn the loss? A friend also said that if you were in pain, if you were suffering, we would be together right now. I asked another friend if he regretted leaving his exes and he said, “Knowing what I know, yes, I regret them because I knew they were great relationships and I just threw them away.” And now, I fear you will never regret leaving me because it was the right decision for both of us. If anything, I just want you to regret two- timing me.

Last night, I finally deleted all of you from my laptop. No traces of you left. It was so difficult. So very difficult. You can’t imagine the pain of having to let you go just in that sense.

I don’t think you have any idea how heavy this burden I’m carrying. I guess you have to feel what it’s liked to be betrayed by the most important person in your life to feel the pain and heartaches. But Allan, it’s so painful that I would never ever wish it upon you. Never. And I hope you would never have to through life feeling this kind of pain.