It’s been quite a while since I wrote here and it has been so not because I’m busy, but because, I guess, I’m running out of things to say. The novena seems to be working. Everyday, I feel that I’m slowly letting go, I’m beginning to feel a bit indifferent. I still cry, out of sadness, out of frustration, trying to understand how you can be so uncaring, so indifferent to me, how you can just easily throw away 6 years.
On January 10, Rizzie got married to her first and only boyfriend. How I envied her. As I watched her get ready, I couldn’t help but feel jealous and think “I was going to be next.” As she walked down the aisle, she looked so beautiful and she was crying. Bom, her husband, was also getting teary-eyed. Moments like that make me cry. And of course, I couldn’t help but think of the many moments I imagined walking down the aisle, looking splendid, beautiful, ethereal, crying as well, as I walked to wards my first and last love, my supposedly one true love, my supposed destiny—you. While I was really happy for the newly wed couple, I couldn’t help but feel sad for us. That dream has long gone.
On January 11, I watched a movie at Eastwood. It was my first time to watch a movie there after we broke up. It was freezing in the theater and I remembered all those times we cuddled when it was cold and you’d rub my arms to keep me warm. I loved those moments. And it hit me, Allan, that the next time someone would hug me just because it was cold, that person would no longer be you. (Of course, Elaine insists that I just need a jacket for that.) And the thought of having someone new is starting to grow on me. It’s starting to excite me. The idea of falling in love again and being overwhelmed and consumed with love and passion just like we were keeps me from being jaded. I know I will love again and I hope that I will be loved, no, I know that I will be loved the way I deserved to be… and maybe, just maybe, more than I expect. Sometimes, I cannot help but feel excited to find out how our story will end. How the “Allan” book will close and a new book in my life will begin.
I just want you to know that I’ve considered selling or downgrading from a 2 bedroom to a 1 bedroom because:
1) I can no longer live in the condo knowing it was suppose to be our home, the home our children will grow up in.
2) Many of my hopes and dreams came with it and you took them with you the night you drove away from my house.
3) Now that I’m single, I realize there are many things I wanna do and these things entail money. I realize that now I have to take care of myself but I cannot do both- keep paying the amortization and taking care of myself.
I asked Uncle Francis for advise and showed him all the computations. In the end, knowing that the condo already earned a significant amount prevailed. My family decided that when the condo is built, we’ll just have it rented out and that will pay the amortization.
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