Written on January 2, 2009

December 31 and January 1 came by without any greeting from you. I'm not surprised. I knew already not to expect anything from you. It just made me sad that after 6 years, only a month has passed and you couldn't greet me a happy new year out of courtesy. I know I should text you too but what are the rules when you break up? People told me not to text you anymore and I didn't out of pride, because I also wanted to see if you cared or remembered me, because you were the one who broke it off.

A lot in me has changed since that Christmas Night I cried because you didn't text. I guess it really helped that I went out almost every night. It made me forget you and not think about us.

Last night, Bri asked me if I was moving on and I said I didn't know. He asked if I was still hoping we'd get back together and I said I didn't know. I guess I'm slowly accepting that we would never be. I'm not in a hurry to mvoe on. All I know is I'm not ready to date yet because I'll just end up comparing the guy to you and that wouldn't be fair to him.

Bri told me that I should understand that the reason we broke up is because of our differences and I know that. I accept that. I can easily live with that. What I couldn't accept is that you liked someone else while we were together. You enjoyed being with some other girl. I know she is not the cause of our break up. But you don't know how much that devastated me. It was that fact that BROKE me more than you not committing to me and now I know why.

Last night, I stumbled upon text messages you sent me back in 2002. These were messages that showed you were falling in love me and I you. We were so happy and overwhelmed with the feeling of loving and being loved. We drove each other crazy happy just with sweet words. We felt so much passion for one another. A lot of messages described how our kisses, hugs, stares and caresses felt to one another. How we found the perfect person for us. How, as you put it, "I like you for the same reasons and because of your strength and faith in me- it makes me so strong also. We were looking for the same qualities and characteristics and we found it in each other! :) " (How ironic that we broke up because we were too different.) We couldn't stop telling each other how we're meant for each other, we couldn't stop talking about our life and dreams together. And maybe that's why finding out you like someone else hurt because you led me to believe that there cannot be anyone else. It's an impossibility and I guess I trusted you. I had faith in you. I believed in your word.

Perhaps one of the most painful messages I read was sent on March 18, 2003:
"Baby, I'm home na! :) You know, to be honest, sometimes when I was younger, I found it hard to imagine living a lifetime with someone- building plans and growing together but I guess someone just had to come along to change all that and now I can't imagine being without that person for the rest of my life to share, build and grow with... thanks baby! :) Thanks baby for being that person who I can't imagine living my life without! :) Thanks for everything we shared and are gonna share. :) Thanks for being that someone destiny drops in your path and knocks you in the head... and you realize that that someone is your perfect future. :) THanks for being my today and my tomorrow. I swear to do my utmost best to give you, us a bright future! :) I love you clearly. Eternally."- 2:42:58am.

I guess it hurt because I carried these words for the past 6 years. I believed them in my heart. You made me believe in forever. I feel that falling in love made you enter some kind of dream and you thought you were ready to commit. And then, the moment reality hit, the moment our future was knocking on your door, you woke up and realized, "Wait a minute! I don't want this." You never changed, Allan. You're still that guy who realized or who knew since he was young that he can't imagine a lifetime being with someone. Falling in love with me was just entering a dream for you. The prospect of forever with someone is a dream and not a reality for you. And sadly, you woke upfrom that dream. You're still the same guy you were before we met... the guy who couldn't commit. It just hurts that while you were living in the dream, I was living in the reality of a future together.

Five years ago, on May 5, 2003, I sent you this text and it surprised me to read this message because it spoke volumes of who we really are now and then. At this point, we were texting about having a condo and wanting to finally spend our lives together:

"I know... Sana we have a stroke of good luck. But the best thing to do now is work on what we have. Work hard, save money, sacrifice a bit. We're just starting out, babe. There's still a lot of things that should happen in our lives... a lot to learn and discover. In time, it will happen. :) But you're right, sana we're rich na and we have our condo. :)"

We shared a common goal, a dream, and true enough, I did what I said and I made our dream happen. While you, you relied on luck and fate for the dream to happen and I guess you don't believe in working hard to get what you want. You just take whatever life gives you. How do you expect to enjoy what you have if you didn't work for it? You wanted the easy way , and now, 6 years later, you still want the easy way. You keep saying that we grew apart. No, Allan. :( We didn't grow apart. As I said before, I'm still here living the dream we shared. I'm still working on the that dream. We didn't grow apart, Allan. You just didn't grow up. Our dreams, our life together, the promises you made to me did not inspire you to grow up. You didn't grow up with me. You don't know how much it pains me to realize that. I guess everything you said then were empty promises, huh? How I make you happy, how you wanna make m happy with all your capabilities because I'm worth everything. How "3 months is such a short time in my plan to keep you forever." How we complete each other. How I am your salvation, the one you wanna share your life with from the highest high to the lowest low- without me, your life would not have the same brillance, clarity and direction.. in all the chaos of joy and pain.. at the end of the day, it's me you wanna be with, to set everything straight, for every thing to be right, for your life to shine. With me, you feel strong and complete. I am the one you wanna come home to and you thank God for giving you the chance to live your life with such a special woman like me.

You don't know hard I'm crying right now. I am mourning the loss. I am crying because I believed you with all my heart. I carried your words with me and look at what happened to me when you realized you weren't ready for the commitment. You left me, Allan. You left me with nothing. You turned my world upside down, our future in shambles and left me nothing but words to haunt me. All empty words. Do you have any idea, any concept at all of how much you hurt me? The feeling is so intense that it feels grander than hurt and pain.

I used to describe my love for you as so intense that it's no longer love. It feels much grander than love that it was impossible to love you even more. Now I can describe the hurt, sorrow, pain and grief you caused me the same way.

Once upon a time, you once said, "I never told you this- but Mario was stupid for letting you go." How does it feel knowing you did the same thing too? How does it feel knowing that you didn't just walk away from me but a whole future together? I guess it wouldn't really matter because this isn't what you wanted diba? After all the promises you made me believe? A future with me isn't what you need.

Once upon a time, you also said "I fear because I am human and I know I can make mistakes- and I fear that if the impossible happens, the biggest loss in my life is losing you! And I never plan that to happen!"

And I hope one day you'll regret letting me go. One day, you'll realize that the biggest loss in your life is losing me. And if there's anything that I can wish for, it would be that- to realize what a mistake it was to leave me.