Written on December 23, 2008

I don't understand how you can easily cut me out of your life after 6 years. You make it seem so easy. 6 years and then I'm gone. It really baffles me. How can you turn off your feelings just like that? Or did you feel the love was gone for a long time? If so, why did you stay? What kept you from holding on? Guilt? Fear? Cowardice?

I just wish you were honest with me from the beginning. I was honest with you the whole time. Did I not deserve the truth from you? Did I not deserve your honesty and respect?

I loved you so much, perhaps too much and that's what I did wrong. I believed from the beginning that we were meant to be, you are THE ONE, and we were talking towards a future together. We didn't grow apart, Allan. I'm still here, left in the dream we both believed and shared in. It was you who left. It was you who changed.

The last time we talked, you said that I chose the condo over you. That's not true and I know deep in your heart, you know I didn't. Even before we got together, I already had the dream of owning a home. That dream strengthened because we both shared the same dream. You inspired me to work hard and achieve that dream. And now, because you feel emasculated or because it hurt your pride and ego that I can afford to buy a home, you're asking me to give it up? How selfish is that, Allan? If only you stepped up and worked with me, you could have a home too. You said we can just rent or get a one bedroom place first but Allan, all your decisions are for the short term, something temporary. My decision was based on what is beneficial to us in the long run and not what is beneficial to us for now. I loved you that much that I thought of your future. When will you ever see that? I really hope that one day, when you have responsibilities to pay for, you realize how correct my insights were.

Lately I've been toying with the idea of selling the condo just to prove something to you. To be honest, I'm no longer excited about the developments of the condo. But you know what, everybody- as in everybody- even your friends are telling me not to sell it, to go on with it. (These people are not emotionally involved in the situation we're in so they must be making a sound judgment). So that means, the decision to keep the condo is the right one after all. You're the only one against it, after all.

And besides, Allan, can you live with yourself knowing you made me give up something I worked hard to achieve just so you feel better about yourself?