Written on March 16, 2009
I’m sitting at the bay window in my room watching the beautiful city lights below. My eyes couldn’t stop drifting to that spot outside… that spot where we hugged and kissed for the last time. That spot where I had to let you go and walk away. That was the hardest thing I had to do. Actually, no, letting go, trying to move on, getting over you was the most difficult thing I had to do.
I’m sitting at the bay window because I needed to write. I need to try something new to help me let go and get over you. Tonight, I will write all your flaws. Perhaps this will help me accept the reality of who you really are. I don’t want to do this, Allan. I never thought the day would come that I’d list all your flaws so it would benefit me. For 6 years, I let all the good outweighed the bad. I loved you so much that I became blinded. Now I can’t let it be. The bad must outweigh the good for my sake, for my sanity, for my heart.
And I guess it pains me to do this because the moment, I put pen to paper and the words, the flaws, start pouring out, it means the Allan I have loved for 6 years would be gone. And now, I have to say goodbye.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Written on March 8, 2009
It has been 63 days since our last communication. I read somewhere that in order to let go and move on, there has to be no contact for 60 days. I thought it would be difficult but I managed it effortlessly.
Three days ago, I began crying again. I find it strange yet frustrating that I’m backtracking in my healing process. I cry no longer of the pain but out of frustration because I still feel something for you and I want this feeling gone because I have no use for it, because it’s just causing me pain. I want to stop loving you because I find it unfair that I’m the only one feeling this way while you go on with your life as if our 6 years never happened. I am frustrated because I am the only one suffering from the love lost. I wish the day will come that I feel nothing for you anymore…
It has been 63 days since our last communication. I read somewhere that in order to let go and move on, there has to be no contact for 60 days. I thought it would be difficult but I managed it effortlessly.
Three days ago, I began crying again. I find it strange yet frustrating that I’m backtracking in my healing process. I cry no longer of the pain but out of frustration because I still feel something for you and I want this feeling gone because I have no use for it, because it’s just causing me pain. I want to stop loving you because I find it unfair that I’m the only one feeling this way while you go on with your life as if our 6 years never happened. I am frustrated because I am the only one suffering from the love lost. I wish the day will come that I feel nothing for you anymore…
Written on February 22, 2009
Sometime last week, I accidentally, involuntarily learned something about you. At first, my heart slammed in my chest and when the pain subsided, I became upset with myself because I realized that I still care. Why do I care? I shouldn’t care anymore. The only thing I should care about is be indifferent to you.
Sometime last week, I accidentally, involuntarily learned something about you. At first, my heart slammed in my chest and when the pain subsided, I became upset with myself because I realized that I still care. Why do I care? I shouldn’t care anymore. The only thing I should care about is be indifferent to you.
Written on January 28, 2009
Just the other night, as I was about to sleep, a thought entered my mind. From what I know rumors are circulating about you and her. And you know Pinoys. They love a good chismis so I can imagine how often people talk and how fast and far the rumors are circulating. I do know that some people know the truth, that you cheated on me and I’m guessing you are aware of this. Why else are you hiding your relationship with her? Because if you come out, it will just confirm the rumors about you? And that your reputation and credibility will be ruined? All these hiding, all this living a double life? All these rumors, which are actually facts, going around destroying your reputation. Knowing also that a lot of people, especially my friends and family, see you differently now and no longer hold you in high regard, I wonder if you ever stop and think if it’s worth it.
Just the other night, as I was about to sleep, a thought entered my mind. From what I know rumors are circulating about you and her. And you know Pinoys. They love a good chismis so I can imagine how often people talk and how fast and far the rumors are circulating. I do know that some people know the truth, that you cheated on me and I’m guessing you are aware of this. Why else are you hiding your relationship with her? Because if you come out, it will just confirm the rumors about you? And that your reputation and credibility will be ruined? All these hiding, all this living a double life? All these rumors, which are actually facts, going around destroying your reputation. Knowing also that a lot of people, especially my friends and family, see you differently now and no longer hold you in high regard, I wonder if you ever stop and think if it’s worth it.
Written on January 26, 2009
I am seated here again at the Blessed Sacrament, crying my heart out again. This time, I cry over something different. As I was leaving home, I realized I still love you. I don’t know what makes me say that. I just feel it. I am crying because once upon a time, we were each other’s love of our lives and now, it is unrequited. I am crying because the pain of you being gone is still there. And lastly, I am crying because I want this feeling to end. I want to stop loving you.
I am seated here again at the Blessed Sacrament, crying my heart out again. This time, I cry over something different. As I was leaving home, I realized I still love you. I don’t know what makes me say that. I just feel it. I am crying because once upon a time, we were each other’s love of our lives and now, it is unrequited. I am crying because the pain of you being gone is still there. And lastly, I am crying because I want this feeling to end. I want to stop loving you.
Written on January 22, 2009
It’s been a week since I wrote here. The novena really helped me heal. I haven’t cried since last Thursday. I guess the week I finally found my evidences was my lowest point and there was nowhere else for me to go but up. Yesterday, I was teary eyed. I remembered those moments I was crying so hard over you. I was crying when I remembered the moment my heart was breaking the night of November 23. The moment I left your arms and walked through my gate. I cried knowing how difficult that was for me. How I knew things have forever changed- my life, my dreams, my future. Just writing about it is making me teary eyed.
It still pains me remembering how devastated I was when you never called on Christmas eve because it was a sign that things have changed. For 5 years, you would call me at midnight and cheerfully greet me a Merry Christmas. I guess the fact that you didn’t shows how fast you moved on.
I am eternally grateful that God helped me heal faster than I expected. He does, indeed, show mercy to those who are broken hearted. I remember that on the week or the days after I found evidences of your betrayal, when I started the novena to the Sacred Heart, I would cry while praying. I would beg Him to take the pain away. I would beg Him to help me let go.
The novena ended on January 15 but I’ve been continuing it because it really helped me immensely. Allan, later tonight, when 1am strikes, it would be exactly 2 months since we broke up. How fast time flies. It only feels like yesterday that you broke my heart. And in those two months, I still think of you daily- all the time. I wonder if you do too?
It’s been a week since I wrote here. The novena really helped me heal. I haven’t cried since last Thursday. I guess the week I finally found my evidences was my lowest point and there was nowhere else for me to go but up. Yesterday, I was teary eyed. I remembered those moments I was crying so hard over you. I was crying when I remembered the moment my heart was breaking the night of November 23. The moment I left your arms and walked through my gate. I cried knowing how difficult that was for me. How I knew things have forever changed- my life, my dreams, my future. Just writing about it is making me teary eyed.
It still pains me remembering how devastated I was when you never called on Christmas eve because it was a sign that things have changed. For 5 years, you would call me at midnight and cheerfully greet me a Merry Christmas. I guess the fact that you didn’t shows how fast you moved on.
I am eternally grateful that God helped me heal faster than I expected. He does, indeed, show mercy to those who are broken hearted. I remember that on the week or the days after I found evidences of your betrayal, when I started the novena to the Sacred Heart, I would cry while praying. I would beg Him to take the pain away. I would beg Him to help me let go.
The novena ended on January 15 but I’ve been continuing it because it really helped me immensely. Allan, later tonight, when 1am strikes, it would be exactly 2 months since we broke up. How fast time flies. It only feels like yesterday that you broke my heart. And in those two months, I still think of you daily- all the time. I wonder if you do too?
Written on January 15, 2009
It’s been quite a while since I wrote here and it has been so not because I’m busy, but because, I guess, I’m running out of things to say. The novena seems to be working. Everyday, I feel that I’m slowly letting go, I’m beginning to feel a bit indifferent. I still cry, out of sadness, out of frustration, trying to understand how you can be so uncaring, so indifferent to me, how you can just easily throw away 6 years.
On January 10, Rizzie got married to her first and only boyfriend. How I envied her. As I watched her get ready, I couldn’t help but feel jealous and think “I was going to be next.” As she walked down the aisle, she looked so beautiful and she was crying. Bom, her husband, was also getting teary-eyed. Moments like that make me cry. And of course, I couldn’t help but think of the many moments I imagined walking down the aisle, looking splendid, beautiful, ethereal, crying as well, as I walked to wards my first and last love, my supposedly one true love, my supposed destiny—you. While I was really happy for the newly wed couple, I couldn’t help but feel sad for us. That dream has long gone.
On January 11, I watched a movie at Eastwood. It was my first time to watch a movie there after we broke up. It was freezing in the theater and I remembered all those times we cuddled when it was cold and you’d rub my arms to keep me warm. I loved those moments. And it hit me, Allan, that the next time someone would hug me just because it was cold, that person would no longer be you. (Of course, Elaine insists that I just need a jacket for that.) And the thought of having someone new is starting to grow on me. It’s starting to excite me. The idea of falling in love again and being overwhelmed and consumed with love and passion just like we were keeps me from being jaded. I know I will love again and I hope that I will be loved, no, I know that I will be loved the way I deserved to be… and maybe, just maybe, more than I expect. Sometimes, I cannot help but feel excited to find out how our story will end. How the “Allan” book will close and a new book in my life will begin.
******
I just want you to know that I’ve considered selling or downgrading from a 2 bedroom to a 1 bedroom because:
1) I can no longer live in the condo knowing it was suppose to be our home, the home our children will grow up in.
2) Many of my hopes and dreams came with it and you took them with you the night you drove away from my house.
3) Now that I’m single, I realize there are many things I wanna do and these things entail money. I realize that now I have to take care of myself but I cannot do both- keep paying the amortization and taking care of myself.
I asked Uncle Francis for advise and showed him all the computations. In the end, knowing that the condo already earned a significant amount prevailed. My family decided that when the condo is built, we’ll just have it rented out and that will pay the amortization.
It’s been quite a while since I wrote here and it has been so not because I’m busy, but because, I guess, I’m running out of things to say. The novena seems to be working. Everyday, I feel that I’m slowly letting go, I’m beginning to feel a bit indifferent. I still cry, out of sadness, out of frustration, trying to understand how you can be so uncaring, so indifferent to me, how you can just easily throw away 6 years.
On January 10, Rizzie got married to her first and only boyfriend. How I envied her. As I watched her get ready, I couldn’t help but feel jealous and think “I was going to be next.” As she walked down the aisle, she looked so beautiful and she was crying. Bom, her husband, was also getting teary-eyed. Moments like that make me cry. And of course, I couldn’t help but think of the many moments I imagined walking down the aisle, looking splendid, beautiful, ethereal, crying as well, as I walked to wards my first and last love, my supposedly one true love, my supposed destiny—you. While I was really happy for the newly wed couple, I couldn’t help but feel sad for us. That dream has long gone.
On January 11, I watched a movie at Eastwood. It was my first time to watch a movie there after we broke up. It was freezing in the theater and I remembered all those times we cuddled when it was cold and you’d rub my arms to keep me warm. I loved those moments. And it hit me, Allan, that the next time someone would hug me just because it was cold, that person would no longer be you. (Of course, Elaine insists that I just need a jacket for that.) And the thought of having someone new is starting to grow on me. It’s starting to excite me. The idea of falling in love again and being overwhelmed and consumed with love and passion just like we were keeps me from being jaded. I know I will love again and I hope that I will be loved, no, I know that I will be loved the way I deserved to be… and maybe, just maybe, more than I expect. Sometimes, I cannot help but feel excited to find out how our story will end. How the “Allan” book will close and a new book in my life will begin.
I just want you to know that I’ve considered selling or downgrading from a 2 bedroom to a 1 bedroom because:
1) I can no longer live in the condo knowing it was suppose to be our home, the home our children will grow up in.
2) Many of my hopes and dreams came with it and you took them with you the night you drove away from my house.
3) Now that I’m single, I realize there are many things I wanna do and these things entail money. I realize that now I have to take care of myself but I cannot do both- keep paying the amortization and taking care of myself.
I asked Uncle Francis for advise and showed him all the computations. In the end, knowing that the condo already earned a significant amount prevailed. My family decided that when the condo is built, we’ll just have it rented out and that will pay the amortization.
Written on January 9, 2009
Today, I realized that I may have lost my biggest source of love—you – but it was replace by many others in the form of family, friends and acquaintances. I’m grateful that I was there for them in their times of need because now, they are all here for me.
Today, Mom Marivic told me how angry she is with you because of the pain and devastation you caused me. I have lost a lot of weight, I’ve become sick, I am no longer myself. The spark in my eyes and smile have long gone. Mom is angry because you just walked out without having to say a word, without even trying. You lost a lot when you left, when you cheated on me. First of all, you lost a love worth having. You lost me, the woman who would most probably love you the most. You lost a family who was very willing to accept you openly—and that is very rare. You lost the belief and faith in you of your family, friends and co-workers. Most importantly, you lost your good reputation and name. Believe it or not, Allan, many have seen the evidence and couldn’t believe you’re lying to their faces.
I know you’re just telling everyone that we broke up because of personality differences. While that is partly true, it’s also easier for you to accept than admitting there is someone in the sidelines who gave you the strength to walk away from a 6 year relationship without even saying there was a problem, without even trying to fix it. I believe you’re also in denial. You do not want to accept that you hurt me, the woman who loved and cared for you, who was preparing for a lifetime with you, by cheating on her. No matter how much you hide, Allan, the truth will always come out… especially if what you’re doing is wrong.
Today, I realized that I may have lost my biggest source of love—you – but it was replace by many others in the form of family, friends and acquaintances. I’m grateful that I was there for them in their times of need because now, they are all here for me.
Today, Mom Marivic told me how angry she is with you because of the pain and devastation you caused me. I have lost a lot of weight, I’ve become sick, I am no longer myself. The spark in my eyes and smile have long gone. Mom is angry because you just walked out without having to say a word, without even trying. You lost a lot when you left, when you cheated on me. First of all, you lost a love worth having. You lost me, the woman who would most probably love you the most. You lost a family who was very willing to accept you openly—and that is very rare. You lost the belief and faith in you of your family, friends and co-workers. Most importantly, you lost your good reputation and name. Believe it or not, Allan, many have seen the evidence and couldn’t believe you’re lying to their faces.
I know you’re just telling everyone that we broke up because of personality differences. While that is partly true, it’s also easier for you to accept than admitting there is someone in the sidelines who gave you the strength to walk away from a 6 year relationship without even saying there was a problem, without even trying to fix it. I believe you’re also in denial. You do not want to accept that you hurt me, the woman who loved and cared for you, who was preparing for a lifetime with you, by cheating on her. No matter how much you hide, Allan, the truth will always come out… especially if what you’re doing is wrong.
Written on January 8, 2009
Since Monday, I have started each day with tears. I am more distraught than before. The pain of your betrayal so intense that I cry while in the shower, while getting dressed, while brushing my teeth, while driving, while at work. The pain so consuming that I have turned to God for help. When I wake up in the middle of the night, in the morning, when I burst into tears, I beg Him to please take away the pain, to help me let go and move on. The pain so strong that I have started to do a novena. I pray that He helps me let go and give me the strength to move on, that He removes all pain, anger and hatred in my heart, that He fights for me and that He takes care of you and her, as in bahala na Siya sa inyo. And lastly, that He calls you, that He teaches you to seek solace in Him and you learn to trust Him.
Admittedly, so many plans of revenge are running through my head. Just like my dad, I have a vindictive nature but I pray every time I have these thoughts for Him to take them away from me. I have to remind myself that God will fight for me and give you and her what is due to you.
Allan, I know that the break up is a blessing in disguise. From the very beginning, I knew that and I know the reasons for this. But, I guess, I just wanted a chance to try to work it out and save it so we can say that we tried our best. 6 years is 6 years. Isn’t it worth, at least, try saving? It’s like the first chance you got to walk away, you took it immediately.
Sometimes I wonder why am I more devastated and focused on your betrayal. I guess it’s also because you gave me 6 wonderful years, possibly the best 6 years of my life and I guess I can live the rest of my life looking at you as the man who loved me but just wasn’t ready. I can still look at you and smile when I think of you. But now that I know you betrayed me, that image, that memory of the man who loved me is gone. And it pains me so much. You were my life, you inspired me to work for our dreams and then you threw that away.
Yesterday, I was talking to a friend and she said that she still can’t believe that this happened to me. Though she rarely sees us together, there was just something about both of us that made us seem like the perfect couple. It was our aura. Our body language. Our chemistry. Even if we’re both just quiet and sitting beside each other, there was something there. And many others, even people who hardly know us saw that and that’s why even people who I hardly know were so affected by our break up. You have no idea how many people looked up to us and believed in love because of us. You may easily say that all that is just on the surface. But Allan, you know, you knew from the very beginning that we had something special, a different kind of love. It was a love that others wished they could experience in this lifetime. And maybe that’s why it’s beyond devastating and heartbreaking now that it has ended.
Through this pain, I cannot stop questioning why am I hurting so much and many have said, “Cat, it’s because you love him.” But I ask them, “What about him? Didn’t he love me? Why isn’t he in pain? Why isn’t he suffering?” Some say it’s because I have been replaced already. Is that it? 6 years of love and hardships are just gone because of one person? Ganun- ganun na lang bay un? I gave my whole self to you, to our relationship and our future and you did not even mourn the loss? A friend also said that if you were in pain, if you were suffering, we would be together right now. I asked another friend if he regretted leaving his exes and he said, “Knowing what I know, yes, I regret them because I knew they were great relationships and I just threw them away.” And now, I fear you will never regret leaving me because it was the right decision for both of us. If anything, I just want you to regret two- timing me.
Last night, I finally deleted all of you from my laptop. No traces of you left. It was so difficult. So very difficult. You can’t imagine the pain of having to let you go just in that sense.
I don’t think you have any idea how heavy this burden I’m carrying. I guess you have to feel what it’s liked to be betrayed by the most important person in your life to feel the pain and heartaches. But Allan, it’s so painful that I would never ever wish it upon you. Never. And I hope you would never have to through life feeling this kind of pain.
Since Monday, I have started each day with tears. I am more distraught than before. The pain of your betrayal so intense that I cry while in the shower, while getting dressed, while brushing my teeth, while driving, while at work. The pain so consuming that I have turned to God for help. When I wake up in the middle of the night, in the morning, when I burst into tears, I beg Him to please take away the pain, to help me let go and move on. The pain so strong that I have started to do a novena. I pray that He helps me let go and give me the strength to move on, that He removes all pain, anger and hatred in my heart, that He fights for me and that He takes care of you and her, as in bahala na Siya sa inyo. And lastly, that He calls you, that He teaches you to seek solace in Him and you learn to trust Him.
Admittedly, so many plans of revenge are running through my head. Just like my dad, I have a vindictive nature but I pray every time I have these thoughts for Him to take them away from me. I have to remind myself that God will fight for me and give you and her what is due to you.
Allan, I know that the break up is a blessing in disguise. From the very beginning, I knew that and I know the reasons for this. But, I guess, I just wanted a chance to try to work it out and save it so we can say that we tried our best. 6 years is 6 years. Isn’t it worth, at least, try saving? It’s like the first chance you got to walk away, you took it immediately.
Sometimes I wonder why am I more devastated and focused on your betrayal. I guess it’s also because you gave me 6 wonderful years, possibly the best 6 years of my life and I guess I can live the rest of my life looking at you as the man who loved me but just wasn’t ready. I can still look at you and smile when I think of you. But now that I know you betrayed me, that image, that memory of the man who loved me is gone. And it pains me so much. You were my life, you inspired me to work for our dreams and then you threw that away.
Yesterday, I was talking to a friend and she said that she still can’t believe that this happened to me. Though she rarely sees us together, there was just something about both of us that made us seem like the perfect couple. It was our aura. Our body language. Our chemistry. Even if we’re both just quiet and sitting beside each other, there was something there. And many others, even people who hardly know us saw that and that’s why even people who I hardly know were so affected by our break up. You have no idea how many people looked up to us and believed in love because of us. You may easily say that all that is just on the surface. But Allan, you know, you knew from the very beginning that we had something special, a different kind of love. It was a love that others wished they could experience in this lifetime. And maybe that’s why it’s beyond devastating and heartbreaking now that it has ended.
Through this pain, I cannot stop questioning why am I hurting so much and many have said, “Cat, it’s because you love him.” But I ask them, “What about him? Didn’t he love me? Why isn’t he in pain? Why isn’t he suffering?” Some say it’s because I have been replaced already. Is that it? 6 years of love and hardships are just gone because of one person? Ganun- ganun na lang bay un? I gave my whole self to you, to our relationship and our future and you did not even mourn the loss? A friend also said that if you were in pain, if you were suffering, we would be together right now. I asked another friend if he regretted leaving his exes and he said, “Knowing what I know, yes, I regret them because I knew they were great relationships and I just threw them away.” And now, I fear you will never regret leaving me because it was the right decision for both of us. If anything, I just want you to regret two- timing me.
Last night, I finally deleted all of you from my laptop. No traces of you left. It was so difficult. So very difficult. You can’t imagine the pain of having to let you go just in that sense.
I don’t think you have any idea how heavy this burden I’m carrying. I guess you have to feel what it’s liked to be betrayed by the most important person in your life to feel the pain and heartaches. But Allan, it’s so painful that I would never ever wish it upon you. Never. And I hope you would never have to through life feeling this kind of pain.
Written on January 7, 2009
Three nights ago, I confronted you about the blog and you gave me all these excuses: She didn’t write them, someone is framing her, etc. I hope you don’t think I believed you. One of the things you love about me- so you said- is that I’m smart.
But I told you, Allan, I asked God for help. I asked Him for the truth and for the strength and grace to accept it. True enough, the very next day, I found my proof.
It was a message from her to you and Allan, you can no longer deny it. It says she loves you so much and that you’re her world, her everything and that some things may be crazy but she guesses it’s the nature of your relationship. She’s sorry she doubted you. And she’s asking you to hold her hand and never let go. Wow, Allan, we are so alike. Once upon a time, I made a slideshow of our pictures and the song I placed was “Running” by No Doubt which goes,
Run. Running all the time.
Running to the future.
With you right by my side.
Me, I’m the one you chose.
Out of all the people, you wanted me the most.
And I’m so sorry that I’ve fallen,
Help me up, let’s keep on running.
Don’t make me want to give up.
Running, running, as fast as we can.
Do you think we’ll make it?
We’re running.
Keep holding my hand.
So we don’t get separated.
That song described how I felt about us and the future. It was my message to you on your birthday on July 11, 2003.
I feel no need to confront you anymore because it’s pointless. You will deny it even if it clearly shows the message was sent to you. I just want you to know that it hurts… Hurt is even an understatement… And I wonder what did I do to deserve this? I have my flaws and imperfections but I loved you wholeheartedly. I was grooming myself to become your wife. I was preparing myself to spend a lifetime with you. I had nothing but your best interests at heart.
You always say that we broke up because of personality differences. Do you know how shallow that is? You didn’t even give us a chance to work it out. You didn’t communicate. All you did was run away. You also said you didn’t break up because of her. Allan, because of her, you realized how different we are. You finally had a basis of comparison and realized it was easier to be with her because you like the same things, the same music. And most importantly, there is no pressure or responsibilities with her. I also know that she assured you it was okay to be immature and live in the now for now. Allan, you’re 28. She’s 24. What does she know about responsibility? When will you start growing up? You’ve been immature and living in the now since you were born. And lastly, of course she will say that to you. She wants you for herself. She would say anything to get you, instead of helping you out.
A lot of people ask me, “What if he comes back? Will you accept him?” The answer is still “I don’t know.” What I do know is that if you come back, assuming you come back, is we have to work doubly hard for our relationship to work. And one of the things I have to do is learn to accept that you cheated and forget about it. But I don’t know, Allan. I don’t think you’ll come back because it will take too much effort for you. Fine, you grew a pair of balls but how big enough for you to fight for us?
I just hope she’s worth it, Allan, and I hope she can take care of you as much as I did. But, Allan, as much as she’s worth it, we both know that she can never be as worthy as me. One day, Allan, you will realize, I really am your biggest loss. I’m sure you already know it in your heart. And when you do finally realize that, I hope it’s not too late.
Last night, I began purging you out of my life. I erased your text messages. I started placing all your photos in a folder so I can burn them into a CD and erase them from my laptop. It was really painful seeing our photos because we looked so happy and in love. The promise of eternity were in our eyes. It hurt me to see that you no longer smile the same way in our last few photos. I packed away the beautiful red box contained photos, your cards. What was the hardest for me to place in the box was your blue shirt. The one I would sleep in for the past 5 years. The one I slept in the night we broke up. So very painful. I had a heavy heart the entire time but it was the start of me letting you go. Painful, devastating, heartbreaking… but I’m slowly letting you go and saying goodbye.
All signs and traces of you will soon be gone and it’s as if you never existed. All is left is just a memory.
PS. Tonight I’m gonna place the memory bracelet in the box. I could never wear it again without remembering you. The pictures may have changed but the memory is there. I wore the memory bracelets for years. Everyday. To show the world I belonged to you.
Three nights ago, I confronted you about the blog and you gave me all these excuses: She didn’t write them, someone is framing her, etc. I hope you don’t think I believed you. One of the things you love about me- so you said- is that I’m smart.
But I told you, Allan, I asked God for help. I asked Him for the truth and for the strength and grace to accept it. True enough, the very next day, I found my proof.
It was a message from her to you and Allan, you can no longer deny it. It says she loves you so much and that you’re her world, her everything and that some things may be crazy but she guesses it’s the nature of your relationship. She’s sorry she doubted you. And she’s asking you to hold her hand and never let go. Wow, Allan, we are so alike. Once upon a time, I made a slideshow of our pictures and the song I placed was “Running” by No Doubt which goes,
Run. Running all the time.
Running to the future.
With you right by my side.
Me, I’m the one you chose.
Out of all the people, you wanted me the most.
And I’m so sorry that I’ve fallen,
Help me up, let’s keep on running.
Don’t make me want to give up.
Running, running, as fast as we can.
Do you think we’ll make it?
We’re running.
Keep holding my hand.
So we don’t get separated.
That song described how I felt about us and the future. It was my message to you on your birthday on July 11, 2003.
I feel no need to confront you anymore because it’s pointless. You will deny it even if it clearly shows the message was sent to you. I just want you to know that it hurts… Hurt is even an understatement… And I wonder what did I do to deserve this? I have my flaws and imperfections but I loved you wholeheartedly. I was grooming myself to become your wife. I was preparing myself to spend a lifetime with you. I had nothing but your best interests at heart.
You always say that we broke up because of personality differences. Do you know how shallow that is? You didn’t even give us a chance to work it out. You didn’t communicate. All you did was run away. You also said you didn’t break up because of her. Allan, because of her, you realized how different we are. You finally had a basis of comparison and realized it was easier to be with her because you like the same things, the same music. And most importantly, there is no pressure or responsibilities with her. I also know that she assured you it was okay to be immature and live in the now for now. Allan, you’re 28. She’s 24. What does she know about responsibility? When will you start growing up? You’ve been immature and living in the now since you were born. And lastly, of course she will say that to you. She wants you for herself. She would say anything to get you, instead of helping you out.
A lot of people ask me, “What if he comes back? Will you accept him?” The answer is still “I don’t know.” What I do know is that if you come back, assuming you come back, is we have to work doubly hard for our relationship to work. And one of the things I have to do is learn to accept that you cheated and forget about it. But I don’t know, Allan. I don’t think you’ll come back because it will take too much effort for you. Fine, you grew a pair of balls but how big enough for you to fight for us?
I just hope she’s worth it, Allan, and I hope she can take care of you as much as I did. But, Allan, as much as she’s worth it, we both know that she can never be as worthy as me. One day, Allan, you will realize, I really am your biggest loss. I’m sure you already know it in your heart. And when you do finally realize that, I hope it’s not too late.
Last night, I began purging you out of my life. I erased your text messages. I started placing all your photos in a folder so I can burn them into a CD and erase them from my laptop. It was really painful seeing our photos because we looked so happy and in love. The promise of eternity were in our eyes. It hurt me to see that you no longer smile the same way in our last few photos. I packed away the beautiful red box contained photos, your cards. What was the hardest for me to place in the box was your blue shirt. The one I would sleep in for the past 5 years. The one I slept in the night we broke up. So very painful. I had a heavy heart the entire time but it was the start of me letting you go. Painful, devastating, heartbreaking… but I’m slowly letting you go and saying goodbye.
All signs and traces of you will soon be gone and it’s as if you never existed. All is left is just a memory.
PS. Tonight I’m gonna place the memory bracelet in the box. I could never wear it again without remembering you. The pictures may have changed but the memory is there. I wore the memory bracelets for years. Everyday. To show the world I belonged to you.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Written on January 4, 2009
I was out again last night and learned something new. I got to talk to Cherry and she told me that when Dino told her that I thought there might be another girl, she immediately suspected her simply by the way you both acted around each other on the eve of your birthday. You guys sat too close talked too close that it was different from the way you talked to Rio. Body language says a lot, Allan. Action speaks louder than words. And the moment I arrived, she left. And I noticed, it would always be like that. She would always be gone by the time I arrive. Why? Cuz she couldn't stand to be in the same room as me? Because she was jealous? And more importantly, is that why you didn't want me to come over to Ponti? It was your birthday! I was your girlfriend! Your officemates were celebrating your birthday! Of course, I had to be there. But instead, you kept insisting that I don't go. Why? Because you were suppose to spend it with her?
I just really hate her right now. She knew all about me and yet she still overstepped her boundaries. That says a lot about her character.
The other night, I was trying to further figure out why I got devastated when I found out about her and Elaine said when we broke up because you couldn't commit, because you weren't ready, it was easier to accept because I believed there was still hope to fix it. I could wait for you until you were ready. But the moment I found out you liked her, it removed all hope. And on top of that, you won't admit it. Don't you realize that by not admitting anything, you're still hurting me? I told you, things come out even when I'm not looking. So why can't you just admit it? Are you scared of hurting me? But you're still hurting me whether you admit it or not. All I want is the truth.
Eto na lang, Allan. Why were you gonna end "it" with her if there's nothing going on? It doesn't make sense to end something that wasn't there in the first place. Why can't you just tell me what happened? For how long and why? I deserve to know those things. It's one of the least you can do after hurting me repeatedly behind my back. Do you know how much this is haunting me? I've dreamt about it for two days already.
Just the other day, you were calling me psycho and that I'm getting crazier. Don't you realize that you made me this way? If only you admitted that you liked her, enjoyed being with her and felt a connection with her, I wouldn't have to clamor for answers. I wouldn't be as hurt when I find out new information. The only reason I'm getting hurt is because you vehemently denied it to me despite the things I discover, because for every tidbit of information I discover, you're making me look stupid.
Last night, on my way home from another night out, as I was coming back to reality after "escaping", I felt the need to cry. I put on Better In Time on rotation but the tears wouldn't come. Instead, I felt anger.
I told myself that I want to be okay already. I want to be immune to the pain every time I hear another tidbit about you and her. And then, it hit me. Why do I continue to love someone who promised me forever, made me believe in our future and dreams, then couldn't commit and repeatedly hurt me by betraying my love and trust while we were together? You, Allan, are not deserving of that love now. And I wish, I really wish that this love will die soon, fast enough, so I can move on with my life. So I can share that love to someone who is worthy of it, who will not do those things you did to me, who will do more things for me than you ever will.
I was out again last night and learned something new. I got to talk to Cherry and she told me that when Dino told her that I thought there might be another girl, she immediately suspected her simply by the way you both acted around each other on the eve of your birthday. You guys sat too close talked too close that it was different from the way you talked to Rio. Body language says a lot, Allan. Action speaks louder than words. And the moment I arrived, she left. And I noticed, it would always be like that. She would always be gone by the time I arrive. Why? Cuz she couldn't stand to be in the same room as me? Because she was jealous? And more importantly, is that why you didn't want me to come over to Ponti? It was your birthday! I was your girlfriend! Your officemates were celebrating your birthday! Of course, I had to be there. But instead, you kept insisting that I don't go. Why? Because you were suppose to spend it with her?
I just really hate her right now. She knew all about me and yet she still overstepped her boundaries. That says a lot about her character.
The other night, I was trying to further figure out why I got devastated when I found out about her and Elaine said when we broke up because you couldn't commit, because you weren't ready, it was easier to accept because I believed there was still hope to fix it. I could wait for you until you were ready. But the moment I found out you liked her, it removed all hope. And on top of that, you won't admit it. Don't you realize that by not admitting anything, you're still hurting me? I told you, things come out even when I'm not looking. So why can't you just admit it? Are you scared of hurting me? But you're still hurting me whether you admit it or not. All I want is the truth.
Eto na lang, Allan. Why were you gonna end "it" with her if there's nothing going on? It doesn't make sense to end something that wasn't there in the first place. Why can't you just tell me what happened? For how long and why? I deserve to know those things. It's one of the least you can do after hurting me repeatedly behind my back. Do you know how much this is haunting me? I've dreamt about it for two days already.
Just the other day, you were calling me psycho and that I'm getting crazier. Don't you realize that you made me this way? If only you admitted that you liked her, enjoyed being with her and felt a connection with her, I wouldn't have to clamor for answers. I wouldn't be as hurt when I find out new information. The only reason I'm getting hurt is because you vehemently denied it to me despite the things I discover, because for every tidbit of information I discover, you're making me look stupid.
Last night, on my way home from another night out, as I was coming back to reality after "escaping", I felt the need to cry. I put on Better In Time on rotation but the tears wouldn't come. Instead, I felt anger.
I told myself that I want to be okay already. I want to be immune to the pain every time I hear another tidbit about you and her. And then, it hit me. Why do I continue to love someone who promised me forever, made me believe in our future and dreams, then couldn't commit and repeatedly hurt me by betraying my love and trust while we were together? You, Allan, are not deserving of that love now. And I wish, I really wish that this love will die soon, fast enough, so I can move on with my life. So I can share that love to someone who is worthy of it, who will not do those things you did to me, who will do more things for me than you ever will.
Written on January 2, 2009
December 31 and January 1 came by without any greeting from you. I'm not surprised. I knew already not to expect anything from you. It just made me sad that after 6 years, only a month has passed and you couldn't greet me a happy new year out of courtesy. I know I should text you too but what are the rules when you break up? People told me not to text you anymore and I didn't out of pride, because I also wanted to see if you cared or remembered me, because you were the one who broke it off.
A lot in me has changed since that Christmas Night I cried because you didn't text. I guess it really helped that I went out almost every night. It made me forget you and not think about us.
Last night, Bri asked me if I was moving on and I said I didn't know. He asked if I was still hoping we'd get back together and I said I didn't know. I guess I'm slowly accepting that we would never be. I'm not in a hurry to mvoe on. All I know is I'm not ready to date yet because I'll just end up comparing the guy to you and that wouldn't be fair to him.
Bri told me that I should understand that the reason we broke up is because of our differences and I know that. I accept that. I can easily live with that. What I couldn't accept is that you liked someone else while we were together. You enjoyed being with some other girl. I know she is not the cause of our break up. But you don't know how much that devastated me. It was that fact that BROKE me more than you not committing to me and now I know why.
Last night, I stumbled upon text messages you sent me back in 2002. These were messages that showed you were falling in love me and I you. We were so happy and overwhelmed with the feeling of loving and being loved. We drove each other crazy happy just with sweet words. We felt so much passion for one another. A lot of messages described how our kisses, hugs, stares and caresses felt to one another. How we found the perfect person for us. How, as you put it, "I like you for the same reasons and because of your strength and faith in me- it makes me so strong also. We were looking for the same qualities and characteristics and we found it in each other! :) " (How ironic that we broke up because we were too different.) We couldn't stop telling each other how we're meant for each other, we couldn't stop talking about our life and dreams together. And maybe that's why finding out you like someone else hurt because you led me to believe that there cannot be anyone else. It's an impossibility and I guess I trusted you. I had faith in you. I believed in your word.
Perhaps one of the most painful messages I read was sent on March 18, 2003:
"Baby, I'm home na! :) You know, to be honest, sometimes when I was younger, I found it hard to imagine living a lifetime with someone- building plans and growing together but I guess someone just had to come along to change all that and now I can't imagine being without that person for the rest of my life to share, build and grow with... thanks baby! :) Thanks baby for being that person who I can't imagine living my life without! :) Thanks for everything we shared and are gonna share. :) Thanks for being that someone destiny drops in your path and knocks you in the head... and you realize that that someone is your perfect future. :) THanks for being my today and my tomorrow. I swear to do my utmost best to give you, us a bright future! :) I love you clearly. Eternally."- 2:42:58am.
I guess it hurt because I carried these words for the past 6 years. I believed them in my heart. You made me believe in forever. I feel that falling in love made you enter some kind of dream and you thought you were ready to commit. And then, the moment reality hit, the moment our future was knocking on your door, you woke up and realized, "Wait a minute! I don't want this." You never changed, Allan. You're still that guy who realized or who knew since he was young that he can't imagine a lifetime being with someone. Falling in love with me was just entering a dream for you. The prospect of forever with someone is a dream and not a reality for you. And sadly, you woke upfrom that dream. You're still the same guy you were before we met... the guy who couldn't commit. It just hurts that while you were living in the dream, I was living in the reality of a future together.
Five years ago, on May 5, 2003, I sent you this text and it surprised me to read this message because it spoke volumes of who we really are now and then. At this point, we were texting about having a condo and wanting to finally spend our lives together:
"I know... Sana we have a stroke of good luck. But the best thing to do now is work on what we have. Work hard, save money, sacrifice a bit. We're just starting out, babe. There's still a lot of things that should happen in our lives... a lot to learn and discover. In time, it will happen. :) But you're right, sana we're rich na and we have our condo. :)"
We shared a common goal, a dream, and true enough, I did what I said and I made our dream happen. While you, you relied on luck and fate for the dream to happen and I guess you don't believe in working hard to get what you want. You just take whatever life gives you. How do you expect to enjoy what you have if you didn't work for it? You wanted the easy way , and now, 6 years later, you still want the easy way. You keep saying that we grew apart. No, Allan. :( We didn't grow apart. As I said before, I'm still here living the dream we shared. I'm still working on the that dream. We didn't grow apart, Allan. You just didn't grow up. Our dreams, our life together, the promises you made to me did not inspire you to grow up. You didn't grow up with me. You don't know how much it pains me to realize that. I guess everything you said then were empty promises, huh? How I make you happy, how you wanna make m happy with all your capabilities because I'm worth everything. How "3 months is such a short time in my plan to keep you forever." How we complete each other. How I am your salvation, the one you wanna share your life with from the highest high to the lowest low- without me, your life would not have the same brillance, clarity and direction.. in all the chaos of joy and pain.. at the end of the day, it's me you wanna be with, to set everything straight, for every thing to be right, for your life to shine. With me, you feel strong and complete. I am the one you wanna come home to and you thank God for giving you the chance to live your life with such a special woman like me.
You don't know hard I'm crying right now. I am mourning the loss. I am crying because I believed you with all my heart. I carried your words with me and look at what happened to me when you realized you weren't ready for the commitment. You left me, Allan. You left me with nothing. You turned my world upside down, our future in shambles and left me nothing but words to haunt me. All empty words. Do you have any idea, any concept at all of how much you hurt me? The feeling is so intense that it feels grander than hurt and pain.
I used to describe my love for you as so intense that it's no longer love. It feels much grander than love that it was impossible to love you even more. Now I can describe the hurt, sorrow, pain and grief you caused me the same way.
Once upon a time, you once said, "I never told you this- but Mario was stupid for letting you go." How does it feel knowing you did the same thing too? How does it feel knowing that you didn't just walk away from me but a whole future together? I guess it wouldn't really matter because this isn't what you wanted diba? After all the promises you made me believe? A future with me isn't what you need.
Once upon a time, you also said "I fear because I am human and I know I can make mistakes- and I fear that if the impossible happens, the biggest loss in my life is losing you! And I never plan that to happen!"
And I hope one day you'll regret letting me go. One day, you'll realize that the biggest loss in your life is losing me. And if there's anything that I can wish for, it would be that- to realize what a mistake it was to leave me.
December 31 and January 1 came by without any greeting from you. I'm not surprised. I knew already not to expect anything from you. It just made me sad that after 6 years, only a month has passed and you couldn't greet me a happy new year out of courtesy. I know I should text you too but what are the rules when you break up? People told me not to text you anymore and I didn't out of pride, because I also wanted to see if you cared or remembered me, because you were the one who broke it off.
A lot in me has changed since that Christmas Night I cried because you didn't text. I guess it really helped that I went out almost every night. It made me forget you and not think about us.
Last night, Bri asked me if I was moving on and I said I didn't know. He asked if I was still hoping we'd get back together and I said I didn't know. I guess I'm slowly accepting that we would never be. I'm not in a hurry to mvoe on. All I know is I'm not ready to date yet because I'll just end up comparing the guy to you and that wouldn't be fair to him.
Bri told me that I should understand that the reason we broke up is because of our differences and I know that. I accept that. I can easily live with that. What I couldn't accept is that you liked someone else while we were together. You enjoyed being with some other girl. I know she is not the cause of our break up. But you don't know how much that devastated me. It was that fact that BROKE me more than you not committing to me and now I know why.
Last night, I stumbled upon text messages you sent me back in 2002. These were messages that showed you were falling in love me and I you. We were so happy and overwhelmed with the feeling of loving and being loved. We drove each other crazy happy just with sweet words. We felt so much passion for one another. A lot of messages described how our kisses, hugs, stares and caresses felt to one another. How we found the perfect person for us. How, as you put it, "I like you for the same reasons and because of your strength and faith in me- it makes me so strong also. We were looking for the same qualities and characteristics and we found it in each other! :) " (How ironic that we broke up because we were too different.) We couldn't stop telling each other how we're meant for each other, we couldn't stop talking about our life and dreams together. And maybe that's why finding out you like someone else hurt because you led me to believe that there cannot be anyone else. It's an impossibility and I guess I trusted you. I had faith in you. I believed in your word.
Perhaps one of the most painful messages I read was sent on March 18, 2003:
"Baby, I'm home na! :) You know, to be honest, sometimes when I was younger, I found it hard to imagine living a lifetime with someone- building plans and growing together but I guess someone just had to come along to change all that and now I can't imagine being without that person for the rest of my life to share, build and grow with... thanks baby! :) Thanks baby for being that person who I can't imagine living my life without! :) Thanks for everything we shared and are gonna share. :) Thanks for being that someone destiny drops in your path and knocks you in the head... and you realize that that someone is your perfect future. :) THanks for being my today and my tomorrow. I swear to do my utmost best to give you, us a bright future! :) I love you clearly. Eternally."- 2:42:58am.
I guess it hurt because I carried these words for the past 6 years. I believed them in my heart. You made me believe in forever. I feel that falling in love made you enter some kind of dream and you thought you were ready to commit. And then, the moment reality hit, the moment our future was knocking on your door, you woke up and realized, "Wait a minute! I don't want this." You never changed, Allan. You're still that guy who realized or who knew since he was young that he can't imagine a lifetime being with someone. Falling in love with me was just entering a dream for you. The prospect of forever with someone is a dream and not a reality for you. And sadly, you woke upfrom that dream. You're still the same guy you were before we met... the guy who couldn't commit. It just hurts that while you were living in the dream, I was living in the reality of a future together.
Five years ago, on May 5, 2003, I sent you this text and it surprised me to read this message because it spoke volumes of who we really are now and then. At this point, we were texting about having a condo and wanting to finally spend our lives together:
"I know... Sana we have a stroke of good luck. But the best thing to do now is work on what we have. Work hard, save money, sacrifice a bit. We're just starting out, babe. There's still a lot of things that should happen in our lives... a lot to learn and discover. In time, it will happen. :) But you're right, sana we're rich na and we have our condo. :)"
We shared a common goal, a dream, and true enough, I did what I said and I made our dream happen. While you, you relied on luck and fate for the dream to happen and I guess you don't believe in working hard to get what you want. You just take whatever life gives you. How do you expect to enjoy what you have if you didn't work for it? You wanted the easy way , and now, 6 years later, you still want the easy way. You keep saying that we grew apart. No, Allan. :( We didn't grow apart. As I said before, I'm still here living the dream we shared. I'm still working on the that dream. We didn't grow apart, Allan. You just didn't grow up. Our dreams, our life together, the promises you made to me did not inspire you to grow up. You didn't grow up with me. You don't know how much it pains me to realize that. I guess everything you said then were empty promises, huh? How I make you happy, how you wanna make m happy with all your capabilities because I'm worth everything. How "3 months is such a short time in my plan to keep you forever." How we complete each other. How I am your salvation, the one you wanna share your life with from the highest high to the lowest low- without me, your life would not have the same brillance, clarity and direction.. in all the chaos of joy and pain.. at the end of the day, it's me you wanna be with, to set everything straight, for every thing to be right, for your life to shine. With me, you feel strong and complete. I am the one you wanna come home to and you thank God for giving you the chance to live your life with such a special woman like me.
You don't know hard I'm crying right now. I am mourning the loss. I am crying because I believed you with all my heart. I carried your words with me and look at what happened to me when you realized you weren't ready for the commitment. You left me, Allan. You left me with nothing. You turned my world upside down, our future in shambles and left me nothing but words to haunt me. All empty words. Do you have any idea, any concept at all of how much you hurt me? The feeling is so intense that it feels grander than hurt and pain.
I used to describe my love for you as so intense that it's no longer love. It feels much grander than love that it was impossible to love you even more. Now I can describe the hurt, sorrow, pain and grief you caused me the same way.
Once upon a time, you once said, "I never told you this- but Mario was stupid for letting you go." How does it feel knowing you did the same thing too? How does it feel knowing that you didn't just walk away from me but a whole future together? I guess it wouldn't really matter because this isn't what you wanted diba? After all the promises you made me believe? A future with me isn't what you need.
Once upon a time, you also said "I fear because I am human and I know I can make mistakes- and I fear that if the impossible happens, the biggest loss in my life is losing you! And I never plan that to happen!"
And I hope one day you'll regret letting me go. One day, you'll realize that the biggest loss in your life is losing me. And if there's anything that I can wish for, it would be that- to realize what a mistake it was to leave me.
Written on December 31, 2008
Last night was a huge success. I'm still on a high from the events. Without any exaggeration, Allan, and with all honesty, I was the star of the night. Guys grabbed me for photos with them at the photobooth. Guys kept coming up to me just to talk. Guys asked me to have photos taken. And I became even more popular when I brought out my bottle of Smirnoff Vodka and gave shots to everyone. I really worked the room.
For the first time, I really enjoyed being single. My self confidence really boosted last night and I drove all the way home with a smile.
For the first time, I felt and said to myself, "Tangina! I don't need you, Allan!"
Happy New Year, Allan! For 2009, I wish you more success in your career. I wish you more awards and a big promotion. No matter what happens, I'll always be your biggest fan. I wish you a more open relationship with your family. One of the things I learned during the break up is that family will always be there for you to support you. I also wish a closer relationship with God. Most of all, I wish that you find or figure out what you want out of life.
Last night was a huge success. I'm still on a high from the events. Without any exaggeration, Allan, and with all honesty, I was the star of the night. Guys grabbed me for photos with them at the photobooth. Guys kept coming up to me just to talk. Guys asked me to have photos taken. And I became even more popular when I brought out my bottle of Smirnoff Vodka and gave shots to everyone. I really worked the room.
For the first time, I really enjoyed being single. My self confidence really boosted last night and I drove all the way home with a smile.
For the first time, I felt and said to myself, "Tangina! I don't need you, Allan!"
Happy New Year, Allan! For 2009, I wish you more success in your career. I wish you more awards and a big promotion. No matter what happens, I'll always be your biggest fan. I wish you a more open relationship with your family. One of the things I learned during the break up is that family will always be there for you to support you. I also wish a closer relationship with God. Most of all, I wish that you find or figure out what you want out of life.
Written on December 30, 2008
Tonight, I'm going to my 10th year high school reunion and I'm wearing the hottest little black dress that I own. I bought it it Bangkok and was saving it for a special occasion. I was waiting for the perfect event I can wear it to so you can be proud to call me your girlfriend. Where you could stare at me across the room and take pride in the fact that while other men may stare, wonder and want to get to know me, I belong to you.
It's a shame you'll never get to see me wear this dress again but if you do, it's almost a tragedy that you cannot take a pride in the fact that I am yours.
Tonight, I'm going to my 10th year high school reunion and I'm wearing the hottest little black dress that I own. I bought it it Bangkok and was saving it for a special occasion. I was waiting for the perfect event I can wear it to so you can be proud to call me your girlfriend. Where you could stare at me across the room and take pride in the fact that while other men may stare, wonder and want to get to know me, I belong to you.
It's a shame you'll never get to see me wear this dress again but if you do, it's almost a tragedy that you cannot take a pride in the fact that I am yours.
Written on December 30, 2008
Like I told you before, I don't need to investigate or spy because things will just come out on their own. Yesterday, I found out something. At first, I was shocked because what I felt or what was just a hunch became true. I felt disappointed because it was true. I was disappointed because I wanted to have a little more faith in you. I wanted to give you benefit of doubt. Eventually, I cried out of frustration and anger and kept questioning how you can do this to me. How can you continue hurting me by making me stupid when we were together and making me stupid now? Ginagawa mo akong tanga noon, ginagawa mo akong tanga pa rin hanggang ngayon. Tell me, Allan, what did I do to deserve such treatment from you? I know I'm not perfect and I made my share of mistakes but did I deserve to be lied to, cheated on and be betrayed? Was I that horrible to you? Ganun ba kalala ang pagkukulang ko sa yo?
Like I told you before, I don't need to investigate or spy because things will just come out on their own. Yesterday, I found out something. At first, I was shocked because what I felt or what was just a hunch became true. I felt disappointed because it was true. I was disappointed because I wanted to have a little more faith in you. I wanted to give you benefit of doubt. Eventually, I cried out of frustration and anger and kept questioning how you can do this to me. How can you continue hurting me by making me stupid when we were together and making me stupid now? Ginagawa mo akong tanga noon, ginagawa mo akong tanga pa rin hanggang ngayon. Tell me, Allan, what did I do to deserve such treatment from you? I know I'm not perfect and I made my share of mistakes but did I deserve to be lied to, cheated on and be betrayed? Was I that horrible to you? Ganun ba kalala ang pagkukulang ko sa yo?
Written on December 29, 2008
Ever since we had that talk on the phone, I've come to realize something. Remember when I said if you find someone who is just like you, of course you can't help but be attracted to that person and for that, I don't blame you. I now realize that I do blame you. Liking someone, just like love, is a choice we have to make. Liking someone is something you have to develop over time. The moment you are aware that you are attracted to someone, you make a decision whether to pursue it or not. Allan, you obviously made a choice and that really, really hurts. You consciously invited her to drink after work because you wanted to get to know her better and that already is infidelity.
Let me ask you this. If I invited another guy to have coffee or dinner with me while we were together, would you feel betrayed? If I didn't tell you about it, would you have thought of it as nothing? Don't lie to yourself, Allan. You know you would feel hurt and betrayed.
As I said, to like someone is a decision. While we were together, I could have developed feelings for other men. I could even have flirted with them. But I made that decision out of love and respect for you. Why couldn't you do the same for me? What did I do to deserve less from you? What did I do to lose your love and respect?
Ever since we had that talk on the phone, I've come to realize something. Remember when I said if you find someone who is just like you, of course you can't help but be attracted to that person and for that, I don't blame you. I now realize that I do blame you. Liking someone, just like love, is a choice we have to make. Liking someone is something you have to develop over time. The moment you are aware that you are attracted to someone, you make a decision whether to pursue it or not. Allan, you obviously made a choice and that really, really hurts. You consciously invited her to drink after work because you wanted to get to know her better and that already is infidelity.
Let me ask you this. If I invited another guy to have coffee or dinner with me while we were together, would you feel betrayed? If I didn't tell you about it, would you have thought of it as nothing? Don't lie to yourself, Allan. You know you would feel hurt and betrayed.
As I said, to like someone is a decision. While we were together, I could have developed feelings for other men. I could even have flirted with them. But I made that decision out of love and respect for you. Why couldn't you do the same for me? What did I do to deserve less from you? What did I do to lose your love and respect?
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