Written on December 20, 2008

I woke up feeling miserable and lost. I really don't know what to do. Why does it seem all too easy for you? While I'm here having a hard time dealing with your loss. So many questions are running in my hed and only you can stop them, only you can answer them. I fear calling you because you might reject me. I fear calling you because how would I know that the things you're saying are the truth and not the things I wanna hear. Do you know how hard this is for me? I still love you so much. I still miss you. (I just noticed the date today. It's been a month since I knew my world is gonna fall apart. Has it really been a month? It seems like only yesterday. Funny because when we broke up, I felt that we broke up a long time ago. It felt that long.)

I'm scared to talk to you and find out that the love has long gone. I'm scared to find out that you hate me.

The past few days, I've been walking with a heavy heart. My smile, the smile you used to love, no longer reaches my eyes. I see the world with tear stained eyes. I've seen myself cry countless times in the mirror. I've cried while taking a shower, while brushing my teeth, while fixing my clothes. But the worse, Allan, the very worst is when I'm driving. It comes to a point that I no longer see the cars in front of me and the lights just blur.

Allan, when will I be okay? Will you make it okay?


******

I'm sitting here at the adoration chapel. I come here often, even if it's not a Sunday, to seek solace and comfort. I come here when I feel the need to cry. I ask God to give me a sign that today be the day I talk to you about all these questions in my head. I pray that I ask the right questions and I pray that you be honest with me. I got my sign- roses.

Truth be told, I'm confused about a lot of things. I do not know what I want. I cannot make decisions on my own. I listen to everybody about what to do, how to handle it. So many people are giving me advices about how to deal with you and the situation and yet, at the end of the day, I am still lost.

Written in December 19, 2008

I don't like being alone because an intense degree of sadness just washes over me- grief adnd sorrow. I catch myself just thinking of you while doing the most mundane of things- driving, doing the grocery, taking a shower, brushing my teeth. I still don't understand what happened and yet, at the same time, I do understand.

After everything that happened and learning what I know, my head is telling me that you're not for me, that you're not the one and under no circumstances, should I want you back. But it's my heart that's the problem. It wouldn't listen to my head. You can't imagine how frustrated I am feeling that I can still forgive you and take you back- if you came back. And that definitely made me wonder how unconditional my love is for you.

I know it's stupid and I'm just being a martyr but I'm at the point where I feel I can just forgive you for anything. I want our dream back, Allan. I want our future back. I want it to be us growing up and growing together, learning from our mistakes and from each other.

But I do know that it's easy to say these words and it will take a lot on both our parts to make it work. At this point, I wanna work it out, give it another try but I also know your heart is no longer in this relationship. Your heart is no longer with me. Your love, your heart has long gone and I have nothing. Nothing.

Written on December 17, 2008

Ever since we broke up, I have slowly been removing you from my life. I stopped wearing the bracelet of our photos as that was a symbol of wearing my heart on my sleeve. I changed my Facebook status to single as my way of accepting the reality that we're over. I removed our photos because they reminded me of happy days. I packed the Christmas photo that resided beside my bed for 6 years because it reminded me of the best night of my life. I finally removed or deleted all your text messages because I know I should not be holding unto them.

Just yesterday, I pulled out THE BOX. The beautiful box you made and gave as a gift 6 Christmases ago and found your old letters. I read them and became sad and nostalgic. We really were happy back then. We were each other's world.

Today, I realized that from beginning to end, you were my world, my life. And sadly, somewhere along the way, I was no longer yours. I always thought you loved me more than I love you. Now I know that I loved you more because I am still here hoping that we could work things out, despite knowing everything. I love you more because I gave everything I had into this relationship. I don't know if you believe that and I don't know what it would take for me to prove it.

I know you think, still think, that I chose the condo over you. I never did. I just couldn't let go of a dream we shared. It's because of you I'm still holding on to a dream. Only my practical side or reasons are secondary. Truth be told, I don't know if I can live there or with my future husband, knowing that it's suppose to be our home.

While my love remained strong, it pains me to know that your love slowly died because it wasn't strong enough to make you stay and work things out. Perhaps her prescence gave you courage to leave.

Tonight, I remembered something you said in September 2007. We had a huge fight and you said something like your love being strong that we can deal with anything. I asked you, "What if I cheated on you? Can you still forgive me?" And you said, "I don't know." That's how much you loved and cared. And in those times when I was too weak, that I attempted to run away, you said your love was strong for both of us. Where's that love now, Allan? Because I really need it.

I know that if she didn't enter your life, you would have fought for us. You would have stayed. And it pains me that it took only one person to weaken your love and our future.

STUFF FROM THE BOX

Letter when you left Boracay on March 2003:

"I just want to tell you that I had the greatest time. You were right. Boracay is so beautiful and it becomes heaven when you spend it with the person you deeply love. Thank you for giving me Heaven, babe! Thanks for making this the best experience in my life. And I thank God for giving me you- The best that ever happened to my life!!!"

For my birthday, year unknown:




"In this relationship, we've had our ups and downs.
Yet as long as it doesn't flatline, my heart will always beat for you."



I guess now that our relationship is dead, your heart no longer beats for me, huh?

Better In Time

Better In Time
by: Leona Lewis

It's been the longest winter without you
I didn't know where to turn to
See somehow I can't forget you
After all that we've been through

Going coming thought I heard a knock
Who's there no one
Thinking that I deserve it
Now I realize that I really didn't know
If you didn't notice you mean everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'mma be ok

[Chorus:]
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
Even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

I couldn't turn on the TV
Without something there to remind me
Was it all that easy
To just put aside your feelings

If I'm dreaming don't wanna laugh
Hurt my feelings but that's the path
I'll believe in
And I know time will heal it
If you didn't notice boy you mean everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'mma be ok

[Chorus:]
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
Even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

Since there's no more you and me
It's time I let you go
So I can be free
And live my life how it should be
No matter how hard it is I'll be fine without you
Yes I will

[Chorus: x2]
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
Even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to (yes I do)
It'll all get better in time


Note: This song has helped me through my entire grieving process. I played this song whenever I travelled, whenever I felt the need to cry, whenever I write. As of January 14, this song was played on my Ipod 130 times.

See also lyrics of "These Eyes" by India Arie as the lyrics reflect the thoughts going through my head at the time the entry was written.

Written on December 17, 2008

When we first got together, you would always be the first thought to enter my mind when I wake up and the last thing to leave my mind when we'd go to sleep. You'd invade my thought throughout the day.

Throughout the years, sometimes you were my first thought, sometimes it would be whatever problem I had at work, sometimes it would be wanting to go back to sleep. And just the same, you are, sometimes, my last thought, or whatever problem I had that day, before I went to sleep. But you'd still invade my thoughts throughout the day.

When we broke up, you filled my thoughts all the time, so much so that I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't work. I would use work to distract me from thoughts of you but you still distracted me from work.

The day I found out that there might be another woman, I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep and all the more couldn't work. I would cry worse and more than we first broke up. I had to kept digging and digging to get my answers because I couldn't believe you would be unfaithful to me, because I didn't want to see you in that light.

And you know what's difficult for me? You and her would be my first and last thought of the day. You and her would invade my thoughts throughout the day.

Written on December 16, 2008

Last night, I prepared to go to Simbang Gabi. I wanted to do this novena as a thank you to God for blessing me in many ways but most importantly, for seeing me through the pain. They say that when you complete simbang gabi, you make a wish and to be honest, I do not know what to wish for. You see, part of me wants to wish something for myself and part of me wants to wish something for you. Just now, I realize, thinking about you and your welfare has become a habit. My friends realize that you are my world and my world revolved around you. Whenever I say something about you or what you might think, want or feel, they would tell me, "Cat, stop thinking of him. Think fo yourself. It's time to think of yourself. You have been so selfless. It's time to be selfish." It's just hard getting you out of my system, you know? To not always think about you or what you might want and need.

Today, I lost my voice. I guess I kept talking and talking and crying and crying that I finally lost it.

Today, 3 people told me, in a span of 3 hours, to take time off, to take a vacation and I realized, God, I want to! I realize I wanna be away from here, as far as possible. Any country in Asia, or even domestically, isn't far enough. I just wanna run away and heal. So I went online to look for flights in LA, to see how much it would cost me and a few minutes later, I realize... I have no visa. :(

PS. Today, I found out you paid your Globe bill in full and I felt really proud of you and I hope that this is your first step towards being responsible. Keep it up! :)

Written on December 16, 2008

I'm sitting at Starbucks in Petron waiting for Dino because we're suppose to sign the papers for the condo, relinquishing your rights to me. On my way here, I was breaking down because the very thought of you signing the papers is a sign that it's OVER. A sign you no longer have ties to me. When you texted me yesterday that you signed the papers, I cried. I wanted to tell you, "You're finally a free man and no longer have ties to me." It's so painful to admit that. I felt that you were gonna go out and celebrate with her. I felt you were so relieved.

I know I appear to be strong and moving on but you have no idea how devastated I am. I would just suddenly burst into tears, I cannot do things we used to do together. I can no longer look at the stars, the moon. Fireworks no longer bring me nostalgia but intense sadness.

You are my first love and my first hearache and it pains me knowing that I am your first love too yet are not going through the same thing as I am. You're very lucky to have someone who will distract you from the pain and I am all alone to deal with mine.

Where It All Began

Written on December 16, 2008

Dear Allan,

I don't know if you recognize this journal but this is your first present, birthday gift, to me. You gave me this along with the mixed CD on my 22nd birthday at the Shell Station in McKinley. The card reads "I think it's great that you write in a journal. It makes you put down all those jumbled thoughts in your head and in so doing, helps you reflect and grow as a person."

Well, in the 6 years we had together, I never had jumbled thoughts. My mind was at peace. It's only now that we have separated that I have jumbled thoughts. I often find myself composing letters to you in my head and finally, I have decided today to finally use this journal to write about the pain and the heartaches.

When we first got together, I made a scrapbook and asked you to keep it so you are reminded, when you're old, that there was once a girl who loved you so much.

Now that we have ended, I ask the same thing if I decide to give this to you. Keep this journal for yourself so that you know of the pain and suffering that the girl- now a woman- went through when she lost her first love. You were there in the beginning, Allan... I also want you to see how it ended... Until I began to heal..