Written on December 28, 2008
It's the 28th today. December 28, 2008. 6 years ago, you put a lot of effort in making this night very, extra special. Do you remember that? The romantic surprise, the candlelit dinner, the rose petals strewn on the floor, the lights glistening because of the silver stars hanging on the ceiling. A very romantic gesture that I will remember and treasure forever.
You don't know how happy you made me feel that it was worth giving myself wholly and completely to you. It was the most I have given myself to and you were very lucky. Nobody else will ever have that.
Thank you for giving me that night. It was the night all was right in the world. I am loved and worthy of loving. I hope you will treasure that night as much as I do because it was another momentous event in the life we had together. It was so special that it was the best, Allan... and maybe even perfect. :)
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Written on December 26, 2008- 4am-ish
After praying in the adoration chapel, praying for you and for me, my phone began to ring. It was you. I didn't pick it up because I didn't want my family to hear what we were talking about (You know how it makes me uncomfortable for others to hear my side of the conversation). But most importantly, I was scared that I might burst into tears. I was afraid of what you might say. Of course I had an inkling that you were just gonna greet me but that made a whole lot of difference. It made my Christmas. Don't get me wrong. The call and the text you sent me after did not spark hope that we'll be back together or that there's a chance of that happening. It just made me glad, happy even, and relieved that you still cared.
I told you before that because of the break up and because of you liking her, I no longer know how to paint you. I no longer know how to see you. But this, this just shows that the Allan I once loved is still beneath all the different notions I have of you. I told you before that I do not want to go on living the rest of my life thinking that my first love could not only just commit to me and our future but also could at the very least, commit emotional infidelity. Tonight, you gave me faith in you. A friend told me that I shouldn't forget that you are now a different person. I know that. I'm just relieved that there's still a part of the old Allan left in you.
We had a beautiful relationship, Allan. Our 6 years were the happiest in my life. I do not want the memories of that to be destroyed simply because you changed.
P.S. Thanks for the Christmas gift. You know what's funny? The title of the books you gave me. I'm "Crazy Hot" and she's "A Kept Woman".
After praying in the adoration chapel, praying for you and for me, my phone began to ring. It was you. I didn't pick it up because I didn't want my family to hear what we were talking about (You know how it makes me uncomfortable for others to hear my side of the conversation). But most importantly, I was scared that I might burst into tears. I was afraid of what you might say. Of course I had an inkling that you were just gonna greet me but that made a whole lot of difference. It made my Christmas. Don't get me wrong. The call and the text you sent me after did not spark hope that we'll be back together or that there's a chance of that happening. It just made me glad, happy even, and relieved that you still cared.
I told you before that because of the break up and because of you liking her, I no longer know how to paint you. I no longer know how to see you. But this, this just shows that the Allan I once loved is still beneath all the different notions I have of you. I told you before that I do not want to go on living the rest of my life thinking that my first love could not only just commit to me and our future but also could at the very least, commit emotional infidelity. Tonight, you gave me faith in you. A friend told me that I shouldn't forget that you are now a different person. I know that. I'm just relieved that there's still a part of the old Allan left in you.
We had a beautiful relationship, Allan. Our 6 years were the happiest in my life. I do not want the memories of that to be destroyed simply because you changed.
P.S. Thanks for the Christmas gift. You know what's funny? The title of the books you gave me. I'm "Crazy Hot" and she's "A Kept Woman".
December 25, 2008- 3:30ish AM
It's 3:30am and I'm still waiting for your text. I cried in my dad's arms when 12mn struck and you never called or texted. I locked myself in the room and cried my heart out. I don't understand. Do you no longer care? How is it that I was someone important to you for 6 years and now I'm nobody? How can you be so heartless? So insensitive? How can you possibly hurt me further?
I'm thinking that maybe you're not greeting me because you think it's giving me hope, that it's not helping me move on. You're wrong. By texting me or greeting me, you're just letting me know, you're acknowledging that I meant something to you, you're acknowledging that we shared something special. We were together for more of the year. Doesn't that even account for something?
It's 3:30am and I'm still waiting for your text. I cried in my dad's arms when 12mn struck and you never called or texted. I locked myself in the room and cried my heart out. I don't understand. Do you no longer care? How is it that I was someone important to you for 6 years and now I'm nobody? How can you be so heartless? So insensitive? How can you possibly hurt me further?
I'm thinking that maybe you're not greeting me because you think it's giving me hope, that it's not helping me move on. You're wrong. By texting me or greeting me, you're just letting me know, you're acknowledging that I meant something to you, you're acknowledging that we shared something special. We were together for more of the year. Doesn't that even account for something?
Written on December 24, 2008
It's Christmas Eve. My first Christmas in 6 years without you. I never thought this day would arrive. I always thought I'd be spending Christmases with you for as long as we both shall live. Christmas is suppose to be spent with family and loved ones and even though I'm surrounded by them, I still feel alone and lonely. I wonder if you'll call me at midnight. I wonder if you'll care. I wonder if you'll even send me a text. I wonder if you're alone or if you're with her.
My heart still feels like it's breaking... every single day. It's shattered into a million pieces and those pieces are still breaking further. I cannot believe that the one person who loved me so much can also hurt me the most. And I wonder what did I do to deserve such pain and suffering.
My fear is that you look back into the relationship and feel relieved you got out- that all you see is all that was bad about it.
I hope you will forever remember of the beautiful times we shared, the memories we built. I hope you will see me as the woman who loved you with all her heart and remember me as the woman who you loved with all your heart, mind and soul. Merry Christmas, my dearest baby...
It's Christmas Eve. My first Christmas in 6 years without you. I never thought this day would arrive. I always thought I'd be spending Christmases with you for as long as we both shall live. Christmas is suppose to be spent with family and loved ones and even though I'm surrounded by them, I still feel alone and lonely. I wonder if you'll call me at midnight. I wonder if you'll care. I wonder if you'll even send me a text. I wonder if you're alone or if you're with her.
My heart still feels like it's breaking... every single day. It's shattered into a million pieces and those pieces are still breaking further. I cannot believe that the one person who loved me so much can also hurt me the most. And I wonder what did I do to deserve such pain and suffering.
My fear is that you look back into the relationship and feel relieved you got out- that all you see is all that was bad about it.
I hope you will forever remember of the beautiful times we shared, the memories we built. I hope you will see me as the woman who loved you with all her heart and remember me as the woman who you loved with all your heart, mind and soul. Merry Christmas, my dearest baby...
Written on December 23, 2008
I don't understand how you can easily cut me out of your life after 6 years. You make it seem so easy. 6 years and then I'm gone. It really baffles me. How can you turn off your feelings just like that? Or did you feel the love was gone for a long time? If so, why did you stay? What kept you from holding on? Guilt? Fear? Cowardice?
I just wish you were honest with me from the beginning. I was honest with you the whole time. Did I not deserve the truth from you? Did I not deserve your honesty and respect?
I loved you so much, perhaps too much and that's what I did wrong. I believed from the beginning that we were meant to be, you are THE ONE, and we were talking towards a future together. We didn't grow apart, Allan. I'm still here, left in the dream we both believed and shared in. It was you who left. It was you who changed.
The last time we talked, you said that I chose the condo over you. That's not true and I know deep in your heart, you know I didn't. Even before we got together, I already had the dream of owning a home. That dream strengthened because we both shared the same dream. You inspired me to work hard and achieve that dream. And now, because you feel emasculated or because it hurt your pride and ego that I can afford to buy a home, you're asking me to give it up? How selfish is that, Allan? If only you stepped up and worked with me, you could have a home too. You said we can just rent or get a one bedroom place first but Allan, all your decisions are for the short term, something temporary. My decision was based on what is beneficial to us in the long run and not what is beneficial to us for now. I loved you that much that I thought of your future. When will you ever see that? I really hope that one day, when you have responsibilities to pay for, you realize how correct my insights were.
Lately I've been toying with the idea of selling the condo just to prove something to you. To be honest, I'm no longer excited about the developments of the condo. But you know what, everybody- as in everybody- even your friends are telling me not to sell it, to go on with it. (These people are not emotionally involved in the situation we're in so they must be making a sound judgment). So that means, the decision to keep the condo is the right one after all. You're the only one against it, after all.
And besides, Allan, can you live with yourself knowing you made me give up something I worked hard to achieve just so you feel better about yourself?
I don't understand how you can easily cut me out of your life after 6 years. You make it seem so easy. 6 years and then I'm gone. It really baffles me. How can you turn off your feelings just like that? Or did you feel the love was gone for a long time? If so, why did you stay? What kept you from holding on? Guilt? Fear? Cowardice?
I just wish you were honest with me from the beginning. I was honest with you the whole time. Did I not deserve the truth from you? Did I not deserve your honesty and respect?
I loved you so much, perhaps too much and that's what I did wrong. I believed from the beginning that we were meant to be, you are THE ONE, and we were talking towards a future together. We didn't grow apart, Allan. I'm still here, left in the dream we both believed and shared in. It was you who left. It was you who changed.
The last time we talked, you said that I chose the condo over you. That's not true and I know deep in your heart, you know I didn't. Even before we got together, I already had the dream of owning a home. That dream strengthened because we both shared the same dream. You inspired me to work hard and achieve that dream. And now, because you feel emasculated or because it hurt your pride and ego that I can afford to buy a home, you're asking me to give it up? How selfish is that, Allan? If only you stepped up and worked with me, you could have a home too. You said we can just rent or get a one bedroom place first but Allan, all your decisions are for the short term, something temporary. My decision was based on what is beneficial to us in the long run and not what is beneficial to us for now. I loved you that much that I thought of your future. When will you ever see that? I really hope that one day, when you have responsibilities to pay for, you realize how correct my insights were.
Lately I've been toying with the idea of selling the condo just to prove something to you. To be honest, I'm no longer excited about the developments of the condo. But you know what, everybody- as in everybody- even your friends are telling me not to sell it, to go on with it. (These people are not emotionally involved in the situation we're in so they must be making a sound judgment). So that means, the decision to keep the condo is the right one after all. You're the only one against it, after all.
And besides, Allan, can you live with yourself knowing you made me give up something I worked hard to achieve just so you feel better about yourself?
Written on December 21, 2008
Yesterday was a very exhausting day. I was spent emotionally. I finally got to talk to you and I was able to say what I wanted to say and ask the questions boggling my mind.
It's still very painful and I find it unfair that I'm the only one suffering, the only one hurting when I'm the one who loved with all my heart, my soul. I asked you if you still love me and you said that you do but it's changing into a different form- that you no longer love me as a girlfriend. How fast did your love change? Did your love slowly die? Did you fall out of love? And if you did fall out of love, why did you allow it to happen? Love is a decision, Allan. You choose to love someone and I guess, you chose to stop loving me. Despite all that I've done for you, despite caring for you, despite my flaws, was I not worth loving?
Yesterday was a very exhausting day. I was spent emotionally. I finally got to talk to you and I was able to say what I wanted to say and ask the questions boggling my mind.
It's still very painful and I find it unfair that I'm the only one suffering, the only one hurting when I'm the one who loved with all my heart, my soul. I asked you if you still love me and you said that you do but it's changing into a different form- that you no longer love me as a girlfriend. How fast did your love change? Did your love slowly die? Did you fall out of love? And if you did fall out of love, why did you allow it to happen? Love is a decision, Allan. You choose to love someone and I guess, you chose to stop loving me. Despite all that I've done for you, despite caring for you, despite my flaws, was I not worth loving?
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