Written on August 8, 2009
Dearest Allan,
It has been a month and a half since I wrote here and I know today this will be my last entry. Since my last entry, I have begun dating someone. Our relationship is slowly progressing and both of us know that we're heading in that direction. I really hope this is it for me. :) Truth be told, he seems to be exhibiting the qualities I'm looking for in a partner, the qualities I prayed for in my novena since January.
Today is the birthday of Jack Dylan, Jim's son and I knew there was a possibility I would see you today and so earlier this week, I decided that whether I see you or not today, this journal will find it's way to you.
Last night, I made this decision and I told the guy I'm dating that I'm finally letting go and closing the chapter, THAT chapter of my life with you in it. To me, it's over. How funny was it that about 30 minutes later, we bump into you at Rufo's! It's like God telling me that yes, I'm finally ready to see you without feeling any pain. I just found the situation so surreal. A year ago, if someone told me that we'd bump into each other at some totally random place at 3am and I'd be with someone else, I wouldn't have believed them. It really, really was strange sitting a few feet away from you, knowing that once upon a time, I believed in forever with you. In our 6 years together, who would have thought we'd end up this way? Hahahahahaha! I'm just laughing about it now. I still can't get over it. :)
Anyway, Allan, this is my goodbye letter. I just want to say thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart for the laughters, the tears, for teaching me to fight, for making me believe that forever is possible with me, forever is now a reality with me. Thank you for letting me discover myself, for making me believe in myself. Thank you for all the experiences you've shown and shared with me. Most of all, dear Allan, thank you for the love. Thank you for teaching me to love with my whole self, without holding back, completely and wholeheartedly. Thank you for loving me just the same. Thank you for letting me experience being loved with so much passion. I know now what I deserve. Thank you.
Despite the very painful ending, I still believe it was an amazing, wonderful relationship. And Allan, you're no longer the guy who cheated on me, the guy who broke my heart. You're still the guy I first fell in love with. The good now outweighs the bad. So yes, Allan. This means that we're cool. :) I wish you all the best, Allan, and I mean it with sincerity. Have a wonderful life. See you around!:)
Love,
Cat
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Written on June 19, 2009
It's been a month since I wrote here. Since my last entry, many has happened to me emotionally. Last month, I still had hope in my heart. I still wanted to fix things. I felt we can still make it work. One day, as I was praying in the Blessed Sacrament, it suddenly hit me. Why should I care when you obviously stopped caring? And I realized that I don't want to hope anymore. I resigned.
Since then, I realized that perhaps God is teaching me a lesson in patience and trust. All of these started because I was impatient. I felt that after 4 and a half years, we weren't going anywhere and I wanted to take our relationship to the next level. And so I took matters into my own hands and got the condo.
While healing from the break up, I was faced repeatedly with situations that tested my patience. It was only recently that I discovered God was telling me to be patient, to learn to trust others, especially in situations where others are affected, especially in situations beyond my control and lastly, to not always take matters into my own hands.
In the past 6 months, I've learned a lot about myself, about who and how I am in a relationship so much so that knowing what I know now, if only I could go back in time, I would do things differently.
We know that's not possible and the best I can do is learn from my mistakes and apply my learnings in my next relationship.
I hope you too have learned a lot about yourself, who and how you are in a relationship. I hope that you have learned from us because I certainly learned a lot from you too. I thank you, Allan, for the lessons you unknowingly taught me.
It's been a month since I wrote here. Since my last entry, many has happened to me emotionally. Last month, I still had hope in my heart. I still wanted to fix things. I felt we can still make it work. One day, as I was praying in the Blessed Sacrament, it suddenly hit me. Why should I care when you obviously stopped caring? And I realized that I don't want to hope anymore. I resigned.
Since then, I realized that perhaps God is teaching me a lesson in patience and trust. All of these started because I was impatient. I felt that after 4 and a half years, we weren't going anywhere and I wanted to take our relationship to the next level. And so I took matters into my own hands and got the condo.
While healing from the break up, I was faced repeatedly with situations that tested my patience. It was only recently that I discovered God was telling me to be patient, to learn to trust others, especially in situations where others are affected, especially in situations beyond my control and lastly, to not always take matters into my own hands.
In the past 6 months, I've learned a lot about myself, about who and how I am in a relationship so much so that knowing what I know now, if only I could go back in time, I would do things differently.
We know that's not possible and the best I can do is learn from my mistakes and apply my learnings in my next relationship.
I hope you too have learned a lot about yourself, who and how you are in a relationship. I hope that you have learned from us because I certainly learned a lot from you too. I thank you, Allan, for the lessons you unknowingly taught me.
Monday, June 8, 2009
Written on May 20, 2009
Yesterday, I went through my YM archives. It has served as my diary and most of our fights and problems were chronicled there. I guess the reason why I went through them is because I want to understand the events that led to the break up. I know now that really had a lot of problems in 2008. I'm guessing that maybe it started in January, the night you pointed out how different we were simply because your friends could share music with me while you couldn't. It makes me wonder if you carried our differences and focused on it because in the end, you stated that as a reason of our breakup. To be honest, I still don't understand how differences in tastes of music, movies and food could lead to a breakup when those are not the foundation of a relationship. If anything, we should learn from our differences.
And then, sometime in early 2008, the XBOX broke and because you had no reason to be home, you started hanging out more with your officemates. I couldn't understand how you were becoming so attached to them to the point that you would reschedule our date nights because of some party. I remember how we were suppose to go to a party at Teacher's Village but because the directions were so unclear, you didn't want to go anymore. And then, the moment you dropped me home, you found a way to get there. My issues were never about the people you hung out with. In fact, I really liked them. My issue was with you and how inconsistent you were in your actions. I couldn't understand the changes in you. I couldn't understand why you were choosing them over me.
And then, you became really busy with one of your accounts. You were away for almost a month and when you returned, you were just as busy. I started to feel that we were drifting apart. I was beginning to wonder if I was still in a relationship with you and if you're just someone I spent my weekends with. I was beginning to question if you still loved me. Had it not been for the last few weekends when you'd be so sweet to me, I could have thought that you didn't. But now, looking back, I can't help but wonder if you even meant your actions or were you just compensating for the guilt that you felt for liking her.
Perhaps, the reason why I'm so mad is because I knew that something was already wrong but I never pointed it out. I never talked to you about it. Looking back, I realized that I didn't because I just chalked it up to you being busy and maybe that's why you're being like this. I also thought that we're stronger and we could get past these problems. I also had every faith and belief in you, in our relationship. I believed that we could make it work.
But we never got to, did we? We never got to try to fix what problems we had. We just avoided the problems all together. As long as I felt you loved me and I knew that you loved me and I knew that I love you, we would be okay. What a fool I was. Waht a fool.
And I couldn't help but wonder, as I read about our past, if you already knew that we would end. If you did, why didn't you say something about it? Why didn't you try to save the relationship? Why didn't you try to save the relationship? Why did you just let it be?
******
Sometime this month, I realized:
Do you know how luck you are to be loved by two women? Some people aren't lucky enough to be even loved in the same context and capacity. You are so lucky, Allan. But do you know who is luckier? The woman who you love in return. Only one really matters to you... and I highly doubt it's me...
Yesterday, I went through my YM archives. It has served as my diary and most of our fights and problems were chronicled there. I guess the reason why I went through them is because I want to understand the events that led to the break up. I know now that really had a lot of problems in 2008. I'm guessing that maybe it started in January, the night you pointed out how different we were simply because your friends could share music with me while you couldn't. It makes me wonder if you carried our differences and focused on it because in the end, you stated that as a reason of our breakup. To be honest, I still don't understand how differences in tastes of music, movies and food could lead to a breakup when those are not the foundation of a relationship. If anything, we should learn from our differences.
And then, sometime in early 2008, the XBOX broke and because you had no reason to be home, you started hanging out more with your officemates. I couldn't understand how you were becoming so attached to them to the point that you would reschedule our date nights because of some party. I remember how we were suppose to go to a party at Teacher's Village but because the directions were so unclear, you didn't want to go anymore. And then, the moment you dropped me home, you found a way to get there. My issues were never about the people you hung out with. In fact, I really liked them. My issue was with you and how inconsistent you were in your actions. I couldn't understand the changes in you. I couldn't understand why you were choosing them over me.
And then, you became really busy with one of your accounts. You were away for almost a month and when you returned, you were just as busy. I started to feel that we were drifting apart. I was beginning to wonder if I was still in a relationship with you and if you're just someone I spent my weekends with. I was beginning to question if you still loved me. Had it not been for the last few weekends when you'd be so sweet to me, I could have thought that you didn't. But now, looking back, I can't help but wonder if you even meant your actions or were you just compensating for the guilt that you felt for liking her.
Perhaps, the reason why I'm so mad is because I knew that something was already wrong but I never pointed it out. I never talked to you about it. Looking back, I realized that I didn't because I just chalked it up to you being busy and maybe that's why you're being like this. I also thought that we're stronger and we could get past these problems. I also had every faith and belief in you, in our relationship. I believed that we could make it work.
But we never got to, did we? We never got to try to fix what problems we had. We just avoided the problems all together. As long as I felt you loved me and I knew that you loved me and I knew that I love you, we would be okay. What a fool I was. Waht a fool.
And I couldn't help but wonder, as I read about our past, if you already knew that we would end. If you did, why didn't you say something about it? Why didn't you try to save the relationship? Why didn't you try to save the relationship? Why did you just let it be?
******
Sometime this month, I realized:
Do you know how luck you are to be loved by two women? Some people aren't lucky enough to be even loved in the same context and capacity. You are so lucky, Allan. But do you know who is luckier? The woman who you love in return. Only one really matters to you... and I highly doubt it's me...
Written on May 7, 2009
ASHES AND WINE
by A Fine Frenzy
Don't know what to do anymore
I've lost the only love worth fighting for
I'll drown in my tear storming sea
That would show you,
That would make you hurt like me
All the same,
I don't want mud-slinging games
It's just a shame
To let you walk away
Is there a chance,
A fragment of light
At the end of the tunnel,
A reason to fight
Is there a chance
You may change your mind
Or are we ashes in wine?
Don't know if our fate's already sealed
This day's a spinning circus on a wheel
And I'm ill with the thought of your kiss
Coffee laced, intoxicating on her lips
Shut it out
I've got no claim on you now
Not allowed
To wear your freedom down
Is there a chance,
A fragment of light
At the end of the tunnel,
A reason to fight
Is there a chance
You may change your mind
Or are we ashes in wine?
I'll tear myself away
That is what you need
There is nothing left to say, but
Is there a chance,
A fragment of light
At the end of the tunnel,
A reason to fight
Is there a chance
You may change your mind
Or are we ashes in wine?
*Another song I discovered, loved and play on my IPod repeatedly. It perfectly describes what's going on in my mind the past few days.
ASHES AND WINE
by A Fine Frenzy
Don't know what to do anymore
I've lost the only love worth fighting for
I'll drown in my tear storming sea
That would show you,
That would make you hurt like me
All the same,
I don't want mud-slinging games
It's just a shame
To let you walk away
Is there a chance,
A fragment of light
At the end of the tunnel,
A reason to fight
Is there a chance
You may change your mind
Or are we ashes in wine?
Don't know if our fate's already sealed
This day's a spinning circus on a wheel
And I'm ill with the thought of your kiss
Coffee laced, intoxicating on her lips
Shut it out
I've got no claim on you now
Not allowed
To wear your freedom down
Is there a chance,
A fragment of light
At the end of the tunnel,
A reason to fight
Is there a chance
You may change your mind
Or are we ashes in wine?
I'll tear myself away
That is what you need
There is nothing left to say, but
Is there a chance,
A fragment of light
At the end of the tunnel,
A reason to fight
Is there a chance
You may change your mind
Or are we ashes in wine?
*Another song I discovered, loved and play on my IPod repeatedly. It perfectly describes what's going on in my mind the past few days.
Written on April 24, 2009
I was talking to someone when the person just suddenly volunteered that you're now happy and content with your life and that made me incredibly sad, not because you're happy and content before me but because I felt you were so happy and relieved to get away from the relationship... from me. And I couldn't help but wonder was I that horrible to you? It was like November again. I would breakdown in the office. All these questions started swirling in my head again. How can you be happy and content knowing you hurt someone, someone you love? How can you just let go just like that? It made me feel like shit.
I was meeting Elaine last night cuz I needed to talk to her about this when another guy friend asked us if we could meet up because he had a lot on his mind and needed to talk.
He has been with his girlfriend longer than we have and everyone expects them to marry soon. But he feels that there are so many things that he still wants to do, that he still wants to see what's out there. The sad part is, he slipped and said he likes someone. I asked if he was scared that he was just settling for his girlfriend and that there may be others better for him out there and he said yes, exactly. It was so strange, Allan. I could totally see you in him and I could already see how his girlfriend would be like when they break up. He says he has to think about it but it really seems his mind is already made up. And you know what, I support him in this.
Ironic, isn't it? That I'm supporting someone who went through the same thing you did despite knowing how painful it would be for the girl.
Last night, it felt like God intervened and gave me the answers I was looking for. And in a way, I understand you more. I guess you really are happy and content because you're free from commitments, pressure and responsibility. You got what you want and I guess I understand that you have to go through THIS before committing to anyone, rather than go through THIS when you're already committed and there's no turning back for you.
In a way, I finally understand why you're still hiding her. It's because there's no commitment. Yes, you like her and maybe even love her but you're not ready to commit. And she, she is willing to wait for you. I just hope that she knows what she's getting into and we both know she deserves to be treated better. These are just assumptions and mere interpretations, of course.
But I do hope you do what needs to be done. You find what you want and I hope you come out of it a better, mroe mature person. I wish you well, Allan.
PS. I realize as well that whether you stayed or go, I'm still the one who's gonna get hurt. I am a victim of your choices.
I was talking to someone when the person just suddenly volunteered that you're now happy and content with your life and that made me incredibly sad, not because you're happy and content before me but because I felt you were so happy and relieved to get away from the relationship... from me. And I couldn't help but wonder was I that horrible to you? It was like November again. I would breakdown in the office. All these questions started swirling in my head again. How can you be happy and content knowing you hurt someone, someone you love? How can you just let go just like that? It made me feel like shit.
I was meeting Elaine last night cuz I needed to talk to her about this when another guy friend asked us if we could meet up because he had a lot on his mind and needed to talk.
He has been with his girlfriend longer than we have and everyone expects them to marry soon. But he feels that there are so many things that he still wants to do, that he still wants to see what's out there. The sad part is, he slipped and said he likes someone. I asked if he was scared that he was just settling for his girlfriend and that there may be others better for him out there and he said yes, exactly. It was so strange, Allan. I could totally see you in him and I could already see how his girlfriend would be like when they break up. He says he has to think about it but it really seems his mind is already made up. And you know what, I support him in this.
Ironic, isn't it? That I'm supporting someone who went through the same thing you did despite knowing how painful it would be for the girl.
Last night, it felt like God intervened and gave me the answers I was looking for. And in a way, I understand you more. I guess you really are happy and content because you're free from commitments, pressure and responsibility. You got what you want and I guess I understand that you have to go through THIS before committing to anyone, rather than go through THIS when you're already committed and there's no turning back for you.
In a way, I finally understand why you're still hiding her. It's because there's no commitment. Yes, you like her and maybe even love her but you're not ready to commit. And she, she is willing to wait for you. I just hope that she knows what she's getting into and we both know she deserves to be treated better. These are just assumptions and mere interpretations, of course.
But I do hope you do what needs to be done. You find what you want and I hope you come out of it a better, mroe mature person. I wish you well, Allan.
PS. I realize as well that whether you stayed or go, I'm still the one who's gonna get hurt. I am a victim of your choices.
Written on April 12, 2009
It's been 4 and a half months since we last broke up. How I wish we could have a heart to heart talk, one without our emotions being so high, one wherein we talk like old friends. Surely, 6 years deserve another talk, don't you think? After 4 and a half months of not really communicating, I'm sure we've learned a lot about ourselves and we've come to realize a lot of things also about us.
I've come to realize that because of my strong personality, I ended up leading our relationship and perhaps, this has made you feel insecure and unworthy. I'm sorry you feel that way because I never meant to make you feel that way. I once read a story about a man asking a woman what is she looking for in a man and her last point struck a chord. It said, "In order for me to be submissive, I must respect him. In order for me to submit to him, he must be able to take care of his business. God created man to be a helpmate to man. How can I help a man if he cannot help himself?"
That's all I needed from you, Allan. All I needed was for you to step up. To do your part. If I could see that you can take care of both of us, even in the simplest of things, if I could see that you're making a continuous effort, I would have gladly given you the reins of our relationship.
I remember when we broke up, you said that you couldn't catch up with me. My question is, did you even try? Did you even make the effort? Or just the very thought of making an effort seem too difficult? One of the things I learned is that when something seems difficult, it doesn't seem so bad once you're in the situation already. Furthermore, I realized that I believed from the very beginning that you could step up. I had every faith and belief. EVERY FAITH AND BELIEF.
And I would have been there with you every step of the way. We would go through every hardship together and in doing so, it would help us ease the burden and make us strong.
I realize that perhaps you have a lot of insecurities but you know what, you have to get over them. I never really cared about the things that made you insecure because I believed in YOU and your potentials and capabilities. It's just sad that it seems you never realized them. I believe that you can be more than what you think you can be.
I remember we had a conversation early on in our relationship and you asked if I would still love you if we can only survive on peanuts. I realize that this conversation probably stems from the fact that we have slightly different backgrounds. I don't remember what I answered but now I realize that I don't care where you're from as long as you know where you're going and how you're getting there. I also realize, why settle on peanuts? Why not strive for something that we're both comfortable with? Why not aim to get something more than peanuts? And I realize now that perhaps you let me go because you were scared you couldn't give me the life I deserved.
There is a difference between a life deserved and living life as you make it and I think I prefer living a life based on what I made of it. All you have to do is make an effort.
It's just sad that you made the choice not to step up and live up to your potential. I guess your insecurities got the best of you. Even sadder is the fact that love did not inspire you to at least try. Love did not inspire you to be the best that you can be.
It's been 4 and a half months since we last broke up. How I wish we could have a heart to heart talk, one without our emotions being so high, one wherein we talk like old friends. Surely, 6 years deserve another talk, don't you think? After 4 and a half months of not really communicating, I'm sure we've learned a lot about ourselves and we've come to realize a lot of things also about us.
I've come to realize that because of my strong personality, I ended up leading our relationship and perhaps, this has made you feel insecure and unworthy. I'm sorry you feel that way because I never meant to make you feel that way. I once read a story about a man asking a woman what is she looking for in a man and her last point struck a chord. It said, "In order for me to be submissive, I must respect him. In order for me to submit to him, he must be able to take care of his business. God created man to be a helpmate to man. How can I help a man if he cannot help himself?"
That's all I needed from you, Allan. All I needed was for you to step up. To do your part. If I could see that you can take care of both of us, even in the simplest of things, if I could see that you're making a continuous effort, I would have gladly given you the reins of our relationship.
I remember when we broke up, you said that you couldn't catch up with me. My question is, did you even try? Did you even make the effort? Or just the very thought of making an effort seem too difficult? One of the things I learned is that when something seems difficult, it doesn't seem so bad once you're in the situation already. Furthermore, I realized that I believed from the very beginning that you could step up. I had every faith and belief. EVERY FAITH AND BELIEF.
And I would have been there with you every step of the way. We would go through every hardship together and in doing so, it would help us ease the burden and make us strong.
I realize that perhaps you have a lot of insecurities but you know what, you have to get over them. I never really cared about the things that made you insecure because I believed in YOU and your potentials and capabilities. It's just sad that it seems you never realized them. I believe that you can be more than what you think you can be.
I remember we had a conversation early on in our relationship and you asked if I would still love you if we can only survive on peanuts. I realize that this conversation probably stems from the fact that we have slightly different backgrounds. I don't remember what I answered but now I realize that I don't care where you're from as long as you know where you're going and how you're getting there. I also realize, why settle on peanuts? Why not strive for something that we're both comfortable with? Why not aim to get something more than peanuts? And I realize now that perhaps you let me go because you were scared you couldn't give me the life I deserved.
There is a difference between a life deserved and living life as you make it and I think I prefer living a life based on what I made of it. All you have to do is make an effort.
It's just sad that you made the choice not to step up and live up to your potential. I guess your insecurities got the best of you. Even sadder is the fact that love did not inspire you to at least try. Love did not inspire you to be the best that you can be.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Written on March 29, 2009
My dearest Allan,
Seeing you at the wedding made me realize that "wala na talaga." I don't know what makes me say that but what's important is I didn't back track in my healing and instead, it pushed me forward.
God really is amazing and He works in mysterious ways and now I believe that when you're troubled, you just have to have faith and trust in Him and all will happen in His time.
On the Saturday after the wedding, I found out that you visited my blog for the first time since November 29. I guess seeing me triggered something in you and maybe you became curious or maybe you wantedto know if seeing you had an effect on me and that's why you visited my blog. I don't know your reasons but I believe that part of you still cares and that was enough for me.
On Sunday, I found out that on the day after the wedding, you began doubting your decision. You confided to your friends, and honestly, I don't know the whole story, but I believe that you said that if you chose me, you'd be unhappy for the rest of your life. It's amazing how God has strengthened me and protected my heart because it didn't hurt when I realized you were referring to being with me would make you unhappy for the rest of your life.
I also realized that the fact that you questioned or doubted your decision means that you're not exactly happy with your choice. You are not completely resolved.
I also realized that the mere fact that you presented a choice between two people, one that would make you unhappy, the mere fact that you even considered someone who would make you unhappy must only mean that you must still feel something for that someone. And the way I see it, Allan, the only way you'd even consider being with someone who would make you unhappy is if there was a catch. And that, Allan, I believe is LOVE.
You still love me, Allan. And that fact is enough for me. For the longest time, I'd repeatedly ask anyone and everyone "Why does it seem like he doesn't care? Does he not love me anymore? How can he just cut me off like that? Did 6 years together not matter to him?" And on March 22, God gave me the answer in His time. And I believe that He gave it to me when He knew I wouldn't want us back anymore, when I didn't want a relationship with you anymore. Perhaps, if He gave me the answer before I'd still be hoping.
Knowing that you still love me, or at the very least, still care, has set me free, Allan. And on March 23, exactly 4 months sincewe broke up, I finally felt happy... the kind of happiness that seems to come from the heart. And it's just a wonderful feeling. I can smile now for no reason. The spring and bounce in my step is back and most of all, the sparkle in my eyes has returned.
I can feel it, Allan. I'm healing and I owe it not only to my very amazing support group but most of all, to God. I became closer to Him because of this life changing experience. I never stopped praying the novena and I'm just in awe at how almost all my intentions have been fulfilled. I'm slowly running out of things to pray for as I progress in my recovery that I have begun to pray for you again. I pray that you learn to depend and trust in God just like I did or still do. I pray that you find true happiness.
I can feel it, Allan. I'm healing... and pretty soon, I will have completely let go of you, of us, of the love. Pretty soon, I will no longer have jumbled thoughts and I will no longer have letters to write to you.
My dearest Allan,
Seeing you at the wedding made me realize that "wala na talaga." I don't know what makes me say that but what's important is I didn't back track in my healing and instead, it pushed me forward.
God really is amazing and He works in mysterious ways and now I believe that when you're troubled, you just have to have faith and trust in Him and all will happen in His time.
On the Saturday after the wedding, I found out that you visited my blog for the first time since November 29. I guess seeing me triggered something in you and maybe you became curious or maybe you wantedto know if seeing you had an effect on me and that's why you visited my blog. I don't know your reasons but I believe that part of you still cares and that was enough for me.
On Sunday, I found out that on the day after the wedding, you began doubting your decision. You confided to your friends, and honestly, I don't know the whole story, but I believe that you said that if you chose me, you'd be unhappy for the rest of your life. It's amazing how God has strengthened me and protected my heart because it didn't hurt when I realized you were referring to being with me would make you unhappy for the rest of your life.
I also realized that the fact that you questioned or doubted your decision means that you're not exactly happy with your choice. You are not completely resolved.
I also realized that the mere fact that you presented a choice between two people, one that would make you unhappy, the mere fact that you even considered someone who would make you unhappy must only mean that you must still feel something for that someone. And the way I see it, Allan, the only way you'd even consider being with someone who would make you unhappy is if there was a catch. And that, Allan, I believe is LOVE.
You still love me, Allan. And that fact is enough for me. For the longest time, I'd repeatedly ask anyone and everyone "Why does it seem like he doesn't care? Does he not love me anymore? How can he just cut me off like that? Did 6 years together not matter to him?" And on March 22, God gave me the answer in His time. And I believe that He gave it to me when He knew I wouldn't want us back anymore, when I didn't want a relationship with you anymore. Perhaps, if He gave me the answer before I'd still be hoping.
Knowing that you still love me, or at the very least, still care, has set me free, Allan. And on March 23, exactly 4 months sincewe broke up, I finally felt happy... the kind of happiness that seems to come from the heart. And it's just a wonderful feeling. I can smile now for no reason. The spring and bounce in my step is back and most of all, the sparkle in my eyes has returned.
I can feel it, Allan. I'm healing and I owe it not only to my very amazing support group but most of all, to God. I became closer to Him because of this life changing experience. I never stopped praying the novena and I'm just in awe at how almost all my intentions have been fulfilled. I'm slowly running out of things to pray for as I progress in my recovery that I have begun to pray for you again. I pray that you learn to depend and trust in God just like I did or still do. I pray that you find true happiness.
I can feel it, Allan. I'm healing... and pretty soon, I will have completely let go of you, of us, of the love. Pretty soon, I will no longer have jumbled thoughts and I will no longer have letters to write to you.
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