Written on March 16, 2009

I’m sitting at the bay window in my room watching the beautiful city lights below. My eyes couldn’t stop drifting to that spot outside… that spot where we hugged and kissed for the last time. That spot where I had to let you go and walk away. That was the hardest thing I had to do. Actually, no, letting go, trying to move on, getting over you was the most difficult thing I had to do.

I’m sitting at the bay window because I needed to write. I need to try something new to help me let go and get over you. Tonight, I will write all your flaws. Perhaps this will help me accept the reality of who you really are. I don’t want to do this, Allan. I never thought the day would come that I’d list all your flaws so it would benefit me. For 6 years, I let all the good outweighed the bad. I loved you so much that I became blinded. Now I can’t let it be. The bad must outweigh the good for my sake, for my sanity, for my heart.

And I guess it pains me to do this because the moment, I put pen to paper and the words, the flaws, start pouring out, it means the Allan I have loved for 6 years would be gone. And now, I have to say goodbye.

Written on March 8, 2009

It has been 63 days since our last communication. I read somewhere that in order to let go and move on, there has to be no contact for 60 days. I thought it would be difficult but I managed it effortlessly.

Three days ago, I began crying again. I find it strange yet frustrating that I’m backtracking in my healing process. I cry no longer of the pain but out of frustration because I still feel something for you and I want this feeling gone because I have no use for it, because it’s just causing me pain. I want to stop loving you because I find it unfair that I’m the only one feeling this way while you go on with your life as if our 6 years never happened. I am frustrated because I am the only one suffering from the love lost. I wish the day will come that I feel nothing for you anymore…

Written on February 22, 2009

Sometime last week, I accidentally, involuntarily learned something about you. At first, my heart slammed in my chest and when the pain subsided, I became upset with myself because I realized that I still care. Why do I care? I shouldn’t care anymore. The only thing I should care about is be indifferent to you.

Written on February 18, 2009

Chloe died on February 15, the day after Valentine’s. The sweet, adorable, little dog has always been sickly. For the first time since we last talked, I had the urge to text you and tell you of the bad news. But obviously, I didn’t.

Written on February 9, 2009

I have been enjoying singlehood so much so that I don’t think of you anymore. I’m just amazed at how far I’ve progressed in the healing process. I couldn’t believe I’m in this state already after 2 months and a week.

Written on February 2, 2009

Yesterday, I realized that I want to stop loving you because this feeling will no longer do me any good. I will not benefit from it nor do I have any use for it.

Written on January 28, 2009

Just the other night, as I was about to sleep, a thought entered my mind. From what I know rumors are circulating about you and her. And you know Pinoys. They love a good chismis so I can imagine how often people talk and how fast and far the rumors are circulating. I do know that some people know the truth, that you cheated on me and I’m guessing you are aware of this. Why else are you hiding your relationship with her? Because if you come out, it will just confirm the rumors about you? And that your reputation and credibility will be ruined? All these hiding, all this living a double life? All these rumors, which are actually facts, going around destroying your reputation. Knowing also that a lot of people, especially my friends and family, see you differently now and no longer hold you in high regard, I wonder if you ever stop and think if it’s worth it.